The days just fly by as we watch and wait. Ever since we began to give mom Xanax she has been sleeping more and talking less. She's significantly weaker. She's barely had any water and has slept pretty much all day.
This morning we had a visit from the hospice nurse. She checked mom's blood pressure and heart rate and it's 104/80 today. Supposedly the closer the numbers get the closer Mom is to meeting Jesus face-to-face. She told Dad that there is a marked difference between Mom today and Mom from two days ago and that she can go at any time. It could be tonight, she might last the weekend, we don't know. We just don't know. But what I know is that most of me wants Mom to go. It's time. She needs to go so she can be at peace, so she won't have her worried and loving family shoving pills down her throat and she can go to heaven, have a party with Jesus, and eat the most amazing food, see the most beautiful flowers, reunite with her mother in-law, father, and my cousins and never, EVER have cancer again.
As Mom slept I went upstairs and found envelopes full of old photos from her childhood and pulled the drawer full of cards from her dresser so we could find photos for the Memorial service. The rest of the afternoon was spent sorting through photos, cards, letters, and jewelry she saved over the years. For example, we found a gold pinky ring with an "R" inscribed on the top that no one, not even Aunt Lauri, has ever seen before or knows the back story. And Mom is too far gone for us to ask her so we will never know. However, I discovered a gold mine in the form of letters written by my Dad before they were married as he lived and worked in Windsor, CT and she finished her degree at Marietta. She saved every one, along with every card or little note Dad ever gave her. It was beautiful to read their early relationship firsthand, even if it was very one sided.
I really don't even know what else to say. As I watch my mother waste away I cry less and less and the more I listen to the recording of her I have on my phone or read the last text she ever sent me, which I will now share with you.
From Mom's Cell on January 5, 2010 at 6:03pm.
Hi honey. I'm doing well and hoping dinner comes soon! You are never forgotten, even if you did see the note on FB first. Now you'll be the first to know that I'm going home tomorrow and won't have chemo until next week because my protein levels need to come up first. So don't try to stop in: we'll let you know when I'm cleared to start chemo. Love you!
I intend to save this text forever and ever, just like I plan to transfer the recording of her story onto my computer, an external hard drive, a flash drive, and burn it onto five or more CDs as well as email it to myself so it will never disappear. I would share it with all of you on here, but it's for girls only. Sorry guys!
I'm just.... I just don't know. I don't know. I hurt. This sucks. I feel lost. I want my mom back. And that's all.
2 comments:
Oh Em,
I can not imagine how difficult this is for you. I sat by my mom's death bed. She went quickly and quietly. She was 82 years old and she just went to sleep. God knew how difficult her passing would be on me. He was so good to me taking her as a thief in the night. We must not question God's wondrous plan. Just know this that so many are being drawn to Him each day by Lynn's suffering, the sorrow you are enduring and all those reading your blog and others post on this site. Wondrous are His ways. He is working in all that love Him. Knowing that in all this God works for the good for those who love Him.Rom 8:28 Peace to you and to our dear Lynn. Ginger
My sister has a Birthday message on her answering machine from my father and he has been gone for 4 years now. I am very envious of her for being able to have that to listen to anytime she wants. I don't blame you for making endless copies and saving that stuff in many different ways. I wish I could just give you a hug right now but that will come the next time I see you all.
This song has come to me a number of times in the past few days as I have been reading all your posts and updates.
"Safe am I, Safe am I,
In the hollow of His hand;
Sheltered o'er, sheltered o'er
With His love forever more
No ill can harm me, No foe alarm me,
For He keeps both day and night,
Safe am I, Safe am I,
In the hollow of His hand"
I am not sure why this song has been brought to mind so much this week but I wanted to share it with you.
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