Christmas Thought

Seven-thirty AM. Christmas morning. Rain washing away the white Christmas Bing dreamed of. For some reason I'm awake. Not because of the excitement. Not because it's Christmas and I'm suddenly not tired... because I am tired. Very, very tired, but for some reason I keep waking up early. And I think it has to do with that scare we had on Monday morning at 6am this past week, the one where my Dad almost didn't make it to Christmas this year.
The ambulance in the drive to pick up Dad Monday morning.

There's a nervous tightness in my stomach, and feeling of "what's next?" in our year of crazy medical problems and hospital stays. This was the first one I was home for, and I rather hope it's the last. I'm glad I was here to see it instead of in CT hearing about it after the fact, but that doesn't change the fact that it's scary to think that my Dad almost died Monday night, and that thought is not a happy one for Christmas morning. I could think about how blessed we are that he did make it, that today my whole family will be together for breakfast and presents, but for some reason my stomach can't think that way. All it can do is tighten up and make me nauseous with worry.

We are so fortunate to have a God like we do, one who cares, who's present in everything we do and in our lives and who listens to what we have to say and cries with us when we despair. So fortunate. And I wish there were more people who believed this as well. People who didn't take advantage of grace, who pretend to love God and really don't. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and also that I have trouble trusting in God's grace. So many willing mistakes that I regret later and then repeat anyway. Falling into patterns. And yet there God is, waiting to catch me when I throw myself into His arms when I've fallen yet again. And yet there are idiots who think Christianity is a crutch. Psh. Obviously they've never been a Christian because being a Christian is SO much harder than living with the world. It's so easy to fall. I often wonder how the people of the world decide what is right and wrong. I asked a friend that yesterday. He said he always tries to do the right thing, and I asked the right thing in terms of what? On what are you basing "the right thing"? The Bible? Cause if he was he'd be failing, like the rest of us, but he's not the Bible reading type. He defined "the right thing" as putting others before himself. Which is a noble, and Biblical, deed, very chivalrous. But it's not enough. Life would be easier if it were, but if life were easy what fun would it be? How would we learn? How would we grow?

Beauty

It's a wonderful thing when a former anorexic can look at herself in the mirror and think, "You are beautiful", and mean it.

Catch Me If You Can!

Long hiatus for me. Life has been amazingly hectic. A week before Thanksgiving I got a job at Hobby Lobby in Zanesville and ever since then it's been complete insanity. I work at least eight hours every day and when I'm home it's all I can do to get up after I've set myself down. Since I began working there I've lost at least four pounds and Black Friday is the most stressful day ever, even moreso for the workers than for shoppers. Working that day has only cemented the ridiculousness of the day in my mind and it is my solemn vow to never, ever leave the house on Black Friday ever again. All people are doing is hoarding more stuff, stuff they don't need, stuff they can't take with them. I used to go to Hobby Lobby and wander around thinking to myself, "ooh, I want that... that would be pretty above a mirror..." and now I walk around going, "Wow, what a bunch of useless STUFF". Of course, not all of it is useless, but a good portion is merely decoration. So worthless, pointless, and a waste of good money.

Getting down from my soapbox, it's been an interesting month. I've made some new friends, discovered that I apparently look a lot younger than I really am, and have been working, slowly and without much regularity, on a Kay Arthur Bible Study about Spiritual Warfare. Though I'm really bad at remembering to do the study, what I've done so far is really good and very thought provoking and has led me to have some very in depth conversations with an old friend about major spiritual ideas. It's been really good for me, really waking up my sleeping soul. I haven't felt anything in a long while, and the study and conversations helped a lot so that this past Sunday I really felt God in the room with us for the first time in months. It was a beautiful change, a reminder of the reality that I'm part of a spiritual world and fighting one of the hardest battles in all mankind and somehow succeeding. Work makes it difficult to be a Christian, but when I get home I have my family and the Christmas spirit and good, strong friends to keep me going straight. It amazes me every day that God wants me in relationship with him exponentially more than I want to be close to him, and because we're often blind to His advances it's hard to believe or remember that He really wants us, wants to be close to us.

I've been trying to remember to pray. Prayer has never been easy for me, I'm not very good at it and I often fall asleep during it because I wait till I'm lying in bed about to go to sleep. But it's just easier for me to pray when it's dark. Kind of an oxymoron, praying to the light when it's dark... but darkness means no distraction, nothing to take attention from what I'm doing. But there's so much on my mind and in my heart and I have no idea what God has planned for me. Working at Hobby Lobby, much like when I got the job at Verizon, just feels right. I fell right into it, fit in, and it wasn't awkward at all. When that happens I just have to believe it's God's doing, that it's his plan for me to be there at that moment. My goal is to be in Cincinnati just after the first of the year. Jim, my friend who lives down there, told me that there are five temp jobs opening at his company, Luxottica Retail. They're basic desk jobs and would last between 6 months to a year, and if I kick butt and go above and beyond they might just let me stay and I'd have benefits again and all that jazz. Which would be brilliant, because it would mean I could finally get my wisdom teeth out. Plus I have friends down there, Jess lives a mere hour and a half away, and it's close enough to my family while still being far away. Brilliant.

Speaking of family, the day before Thanksgiving mom went to Cleveland and had her hear shaved. She decided she couldn't handle the dramatic hair loss and shaved her head and had them cut and shape her wig. Apparently the stylist wouldn't allow mom to pay her when it was over, which made mom a little emotional. But what an act of kindness. Mom goes for her second round of chemo on Friday, which also happens to be my day off. This means she'll be feeling okay for Christmas, which I'm thankful for.

On a more upbeat and fun note, Jess and I finally got together this past Sunday. We met up in Cincinnati to go ice skating in Fountain Square. Great fun was had by all, especially the little girl with her skates untied and falling off her feet and all the parents carrying small children. We ate at Chipotle and tried on dresses at Macy's and looked at jewelry at Tiffany's... I was disappointed by Tiffany's. It looked like every other jewelry store. But then again, it's Cincinnati not NYC. After we parted ways I went over to Kenny's where we were able to talk for a good three and a half hours, assuaging my desperate need for good conversation. Then I had to drive home, which was the lame part, but it was completely worth it after having such a wonderful day.

Finally, today, after a long over-eight-hours at work, my friend Alison invited me to join her and two of her friends for a movie so nine-o-clock found us getting Chinese takeout and nine-thirty or so found us at her friend Donovan's house. nine-forty-five found us at J.D.'s apartment eating the Chinese food and picking a movie. We ended up watching War of the Worlds, which is a completely ridiculous and semi-intriguing Tom Cruise movie, and after Alison and I left Donovan sent her a text saying J.D. wants my number. Oh, my. Now I get to explain to him, over lunch on Friday, that I'm not looking for a relationship, that I'm happy to get to know him but that it won't go further than friendship. And I will have that conversation this time, since I usually don't and end up finding myself in a position I'm not really interested being in.

Life is complicated. Thank God for fun times.

Worry.

Ever since my senior year of college and that horrible illness I went through I am no longer fearless. Once upon a time I would do just about anything no matter how dangerous without really thinking too much about the consequences. Now, though, I worry about everything. Yesterday I picked up our boarder, Chelsea, from school because she's sick and brought her home. Fifteen minutes in a car, windows closed. I was headed into Zanesville to shop for clothes to wear to today's wedding festivities and on the way I began to worry that I'd get whatever Chelsea has. I went to bed last night, after she came down and I asked if she felt better and she told me she was about to throw up, worried that I'd wake up in the middle of the night feeling ill. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was mental analysis of my stomach to make sure it wasn't queasy. It was, but because I was hungry, not because I was ill. In all honesty this is really a needless worry because I rarely get sick and I've never, ever had the stomach flu so what is there to worry about? That's what I keep telling myself, and my sister said that if I'm still healthy by tomorrow there's no need to worry.

This, however, is not the only thing I worry about. After my accident I worried that something bad might happen later when I was home alone, so I went home with my aunt and uncle. When I go out to eat I worry about possible food poisoning. I rarely go to buffets because I worry about what someone could have done to the food. I hate to fly because I'm worried I might get sick and not be able to do anything about it except for the paper bag in the seat back pocket. I'm afraid to take new medications because I could have a horrible allergic reaction, even though I'm not allergic to anything except the vaccine for whooping cough. All of this is completely ridiculous and most of it is unfounded because I've never had a problem with any of it before except for a bad reaction to a depression medication I was instructed to take to help my anxiety problem after that major illness in '08. Even so, it has become part of who I am. And it drives me nuts. I miss being the daredevilish girl I once was, fearless and plowing through fears with a two-edged sword. I suppose I could get back to being that girl, but it's harder now that I'm older and know the possible ramifications of my actions.

Here's hoping I'm not sick tomorrow. Otherwise everything will get that much harder.

Dreams

I had a really odd, very realistic dream last night that I actually remember still.

There was this guy, named Adam, who was an exceptional dancer. We were at a building, could have been an apartment building or a college dorm, I'm not sure, along with hundreds of other people. We were close, and we were in some kind of performance. As the large group of us were getting ready to perform someone who looked significantly like Sookie from Gilmore Girls rushed up to tell us the town was on fire. Immediately we scattered. I couldn't find Adam, and became terrified. Suddenly I was carrying boxes outside and packing up my car and struggling not to cry. I apparently had found Adam because he was helping. As I packed I saw the town below us flicker with orange light. My stuff was all packed and Adam disappeared again. I wandered across the front lawn of the building toward the town when small animal attacked me and fastened its jaws around my index finger. I couldn't get it off no matter how hard I tried when suddenly my cat, Joey, appeared and scared the creature away. My finger was painful and badly bruised and I lay down on the ground holding back tears. Adam had disappeared, we all had to leave due to the fire and I felt entirely hopeless. Joey came back and I held him to my chest and sobbed brokenly.

Then I woke up.

What Fun Would Life Be Then?

I am always amazed by how quickly things can change.

I came home to Ohio two weeks ago for a job interview that never happened. While here my car broke down and I ended up staying two extra days and then driving my Dad's car back to CT so I could move home easier. On Sunday this past week (Oct. 25) Neal and I packed up my Dad's car with almost all of my furniture so I could drive down to the cottage and meet my uncle so we could store my furniture there until further notice. Much cheaper than a storage unit. So I'm driving down there and can't remember what exit to take from I-95. I sent my Dad a text asking and he informed me that I'd passed it two exits ago. I exited the 95 with the intent of getting right back on... except that the exit I pulled off didn't have an on ramp for the opposite direction. Instead I kept driving and found myself on a main drag. The longer I drove on it the more I recognized and realized that I could find my way from there if only I could turn around, since I was going the wrong way. I pulled into a gas station and made to turn around on this exceptionally busy street. A very nice silver car stopped to let me out to make a left turn across a four lane road and as I pulled out while looking the other direction a black Mazda came out of nowhere and slammed right into me.

Voila. My first car crash.

While in CT, while my car is broken, while driving my father's 13 yr old still in very good working order SUV Ford Explorer, just one week until I originally intended to move back to Ohio. Using my father's car. As I thought all of this (along with "dang it. Now what?") and called my Dad and my uncle to explain what happened I very unsuccessfully controlled my hysterics and refused to go to the hospital to be checked because 1. I don't really have medical insurance anymore and 2. I hate hospitals and 3. I wanted to stay with the car, to wait for my aunt and uncle, and to find out what was going to happen now. The car was completely totaled, wouldn't even turn on. I was very shaken and my head began aching very quickly due to whiplash but I knew it wasn't worse than that. No blood, nothing broken. Just very, very sore muscles. Still. Four days later.

This fiasco posed a problem. How on earth was I to get home before Nov. 1st? And I'm sure my dad was thinking the exact same thing. I wasn't about to let Neal drive me, he needed to work. I couldn't fly, I had an apartment full of stuff. My dad was busy and really not available to come up. Thankfully, via Facebook, my brother in-law solved the problem by telling me he had Thurs. and Fri. off this week and he'd come get me in his wagon if I needed him to. I told my dad, who then called my brother, why rented a utility van from Enterprise Rent-A-Car and drove the 10 hr stretch in the pouring rain to pick up me and ALL my stuff. This meant driving down to the cottage in the dark and pushing the SUV out far enough from the trees to get into the back so we could remove everything from the car that was either my dad's or mine. Once this was accomplished Derrick, using a flat head screwdriver and a hammer, removed the Ford symbol from the grill and gave it to me as a souvenir of my first car accident ever.

Now I'm home at my parent's house in Ohio. The major job hunt begins tomorrow, even if it's only for a part-time job at Kohl's, and I have a million phone calls to make to remove further charge from CL&P, Comcast, FreeCreditReport.com, and to switch my car insurance from CT to OH. Moving is stressful. And moving back into my parent's house makes me feel just a little bit like a loser, like I've thrown away a beautiful opportunity. And maybe I did. But even financial stability isn't enough to make a person happy and if you're not happy what's the point? So now I'm just moving on to my next big adventure, beginning again where I began the last time: jobless, boyfriendless (yes, friends, Neal and I broke up. We're still on very good terms but we're nothing beyond that now) and wide open to any opportunity that presents itself. I could complain that moving is stressful, which it is. I could whine about making phone calls, because I hate doing it. But without this kind of adventure, this kind of stress (the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night terrified you forgot something and you're about to puke because of it) life would be extremely boring indeed.

I'll miss my apartment. I'll miss my friends. But life continues, no matter what we do, and I look forward to the challenge.

Jobs

Ideas of what I might someday want to do... as decided in my head during many discussions with friends on my elongated trip home.

1. Teach English as a Second Language in Asia
2. Go to grad school for set building/design
3. Find someone to apprentice with so as to learn set building/design
4. Dispatcher for an HVAC/Plumbing/Electricity company
5. Write. A lot.

And that's about it. I'm leaning toward the first one, personally... but we'll see. I have expenses here that make it hard... plus, if Connecticut was far away, what is Korea?

Life and Change

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.


Life is never, ever what you expect.

For the longest time my only ambition was to finish school as soon as possible and get out of Ohio. Once I managed it, I realized there was nothing left to work toward, and that my original goal had been thwarted by a dislike of the place I ended up and the realization I hated my major. So what do you do when you realize you have no idea what you want out of life? Or maybe you know what you want but you aren't sure it's actually what you want, or you have no idea how to attain it. Such is my life.

When I interview last summer for a job with Fabri-Form, the President of the company asked me, "What is it you really want to do?" And I could not honestly answer his question because I myself didn't know. I told him I like to write but it's not what I want to be doing forever.

Right now this sounds like a plausible future: Find some job somewhere that pays enough for me to find and buy a log cabin in the middle of nowhere, preferably next to a body of water were I can have a row boat and go fishing if I want to, and move there, alone, eventually adopting some children. Sounds a little lonely, and the job part will probably not happen for awhile, but it's a nice picture. A fire in the fireplace on cold winter nights, the light of candles and the smell of fresh baked bread... Sounds beautiful.

But unlikely.

I"m currently stuck at my parent's house with a sadly broken car. I came to interview for a job I didn't want and never had the change to interview for and then my car broke. So here I sit, borrowing my family's clothes (thank goodness for sisters), eating free food, and eventually taking my dad's car back to CT with me so I can pack up my stuff and come home to stay.

*sigh* sometimes life is so lame, but even so it's always worth living.

Pathetic endng, but there it is.

Stars and the Moon

"I'll give you stars and the moon and a soul to guide you
And a promise I'll never go
I'll give you hope to bring out all the life inside you
And the strength that will help you grow.
I'll give you truth and a future that's twenty times better
Than any Hollywood plot."

I've been unemployed for a week now. After my glorious vacation I went back to work on Friday of last week and the moment I got there I started to cry and actually went outside to sob behind a tree for half an hour. I talked to a supervisor and went over to HR and quit, effective immediately. The immediately part was their idea. So now I've been home in my apartment for a week now, pretty much bored out of my mind, searching and applying for job after job back in the midwest. I doubt I'll find anything before I pack up and move, since I have to do so before the 1st of November.

But the weather is gorgeous. I love fall, the color, the smell, the feel in the air... It leaves me with a longing for the place I belong, where ever that may be. I've slowly come to realize that the reason I'm not content with any of the worlds I've been part of is because I still haven't found my niche. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know where i want to live, who I want to be with and around, the kind of people who make me feel the most wanted... I just don't know. I do know that I want to do something I love instead of what's convenient. And when I think about what I want to do, the first thing that comes to mind is wanting to build sets for Hollywood films. I watch the features for movies such as Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean and think to myself, wow. I want to learn to design and build like that, I want to work with my hands and make something amazing, to be part of team that gets to build and create and paint and sculpt... I wish I'd majored in Theater and then gone on to grad school like my theater professor to learn everything I can about sets and painting and building and designing. I hate business and customer relations and anything that requires me to dress up in a suit. Give me jeans and a ratty t-shirt and a paintbrush/electric drill combo. I hate driving and parks that have trees surrounded by mulch and building developments with houses that look the same. Give me a log cabin in the woods with nature all around me. For once I know what I want... and the question is, will I get it? Will I ever be content with who and where I am? With what I do? Will I ever have friends whom I enjoy being around and who like having me around too? Will I ever find my place in life, the place I'm always searching for? I like to think so, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Most of the time it doesn't feel that way. And maybe, just maybe, God put me in this place to help me realize that what I was searching for wasn't what I'm supposed to be searching for, to teach me that the adventure I always wanted wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Maybe.

Maybe I should start looking at grad schools and see what I can find...

Vacation... FINALLY

Home sweet home for four glorious days. At times it felt like I'd never left, like I'd only been on a long vacation, an out-of-body experience, or sleeping for a few months. The only difference was that I don't have a bedroom anymore. The boarder sleeps there. But that was okay because in four short days I saw almost every single person that I love in this State.

Sunday began with a long drive and a flight. We flew down to Baltimore where I ran into one of the admissions counselors from my college (who happened to be on the same flight into Columbus) and then flew over to Columbus and picked up a rental car. It's a pretty nice car, a 2009 Hyundai Accent. Black. Nothing is automatic but the transmission. But a nice car, and good on gas mileage. We drove to the nearest restaurant where Neal got out of the driver's seat and I took over to take us into downtown to visit my sister and brother-in-law. Fifteen minutes later found us at North Market eating samosas and Jeni's ice cream and chatting it up with church friends of the newlyweds. An hour later, after a long chat, we took off for home and proceeded to get stuck in traffic due to a three car(well, one truck, one van and an RV) pileup. Traffic literally stopped and I actually put the car into park. Neal nearly got out to go ask the semi-truck driver what was going on. We called my family to tell them we'd be later than we had originally thought. Due to my visit we decided to have my little sister's 21st birthday celebration a week early. We did finally arrive, but it took half an hour longer than it should have. The remainder of the evening included really good food, friends visiting, and the birthday song sung in three part harmony.

It also, however, included a discussion of my parent's current health situation.

The growth that was removed from my mother's body last week was malignant. she has to go back in for testing to make sure the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else. They aren't worried as of yet because #1 there's a phenomenal prayer chain all across the nation for my family, #2 it's an extremely rare form of cancer and #3 the last case my mom's doctor came across was fifteen years ago and that woman had three different lumps removed and hasn't had a problem since. So I'm not that worried, but I will be a little until she goes for testing and we get the results.

After this conversation I went up to my sorority house to see the girls and chat and then came home to sleep.

Monday. I was awake early, since I sleep on the couch and half the house is up before 8. But I'm okay with that because it means I have more time in my day to do things, to talk to my mom, to get myself ready, to plan. I wrote in my journal on the front porch in the warm breeze and cried a little as I did so. Neal and I took off after some time with my mom and visited the preschool for a bit, where I reconnected with Tristan the troublemaker, and then walked all over town. We went for lunch at the coffee shop downtown where I ate chicken for the first time since Valentine's day and enjoyed it. We then walked the remainder of main street and headed up to the college where I gave him the tour of campus and my dad gave him the tour of the new football locker rooms. I took him all over campus, from one end to the other, and then up to Montgomery Hall to visit all my old coworkers and have a chat with each. I talked about how much I hate my job and that I really miss Ohio and the slowness of it and how much nicer people are here than they are on the East Coast. Stories were told, plans were made, and then I went to choir. My good friend Dorothy, whom I haven't seen in months because she spent last year in Spain, came running up to me and gave me a big hug and we talked for a bit. When she started talking just to Neal I excused myself and headed up front to see Adam. While I talked to Adam, Danielle ran up and tackled me. More plans were made until Bob yelled at everyone to get on stage and then Neal and I sat, listened to them warm up and start to practice, and then we left to go visit the Business Office, which we originally missed because of not enough time before choir. After all this we finally went back to the house to chill with my mom and watch some old videos before going out to eat at Theo's restaurant with Jennie and Anne.

Tuesday. Up later than Monday due to staying up late chatting on instant messenger with Kenny about all kinds of things, especially how I was going to be in Cincinnati and then how he was going to Chicago and the stuff he wanted to do there. My mom cooked eggs for herself and Neal and we sat and talked for awhile just chilling out until Neal and I left to go pick up Adam and his friend Jake to go eat at the Chinese Buffet. This was good and also great fun and the fortunes were totally lame. We came back relatively soon in time to play Scrabble with my mom and her friend Susan. Since Neal and I play Scrabble on a regular basis with his mom we've gotten pretty good, but my mom beat us all and I, who usually wins against Neal, lost, go figure. But it was fun, and we had a good time until afterwards when Susan began asking about my job and my life in Connecticut. I, being a female who has been under severe stress for months now and holding it all in, cried as I talked about it and Susan sympathized and gave advice, as she usually does, and at the end of it all she and my mom prayed for me. Neal disappeared somewhere in the midst of the crying. Mom volunteered me to drive Susan home (she'd been dropped at the house by her husband in their one car) and when I went to tell Neal where I was going he told me that I need to get out of Connecticut and that he was okay with me leaving if it would make me happy. And that has become my plan. I will move back to the midwest before Thanksgiving whether I find a new job or not. I'll work two part-times if I have to. I came back, changed my clothes, washed up and fixed my makeup, and then Neal and I left for Cincinnati to visit Jessie. This was the part of the trip I was most looking forward to, seeing my best friend for the first time in months, even though it was only for an hour or so. We met up at a Buffalo Wild Wings that I'd found relatively close to the interstate and I ate chicken, yet again, and we just sat and talked about whatever. Of course food doesn't last that long so once everything was consumed we went to the rental car and took a drive to a park-looking thing down the street to walk around for a bit. It seems, though, that we brought CT weather with us because once we got here it got very cold and rainy so the jaunt around the park-like area, which turned out to be a high school, was kind of chilly. The visit was too short, but I'll see her again soon enough and we text all the time so it's not like we aren't in contact. We got home relatively early and watched Iron Man. Rather, Neal watched Iron Man and I got tired and went to bed early.

Wednesday. On Monday my friend Beth and I had made plans to meet up at the coffee shop on Wednesday morning to catch up, so Wednesday morning found me with crazy curly hair walking downtown for cider and scones. Beth hadn't arrived yet when I got there, but I found two women from my parent's church and sat down to talk to them for a bit. One understands my Verizon Wireless call center pain because she managed a call center until the stress kept her from sleeping and she quit. So as I talked she nodded and completely agreed with me. I've decided she'll help me on my book about what it's like to work in a place like that, kind of like The Nanny Diaries only not. Being home and seeing all these people and how happy we all are to see each other and catch up really is refreshing and definitely a stress reliever for me. Neal can see the difference. Anyway, Beth arrived shortly after and we sat down to talk and eat and we talked about life and friends and weddings and babies and anything else to can imagine. What helps me is that after listening to me talk about the life I have in CT they all are unanimous in saying that I need to leave that place. It's not healthy for me. The only person who doesn't know about this decision is my Dad, but he'll know soon enough if Mom hasn't already told him. Anyway, Beth and I talked for two hours and then split because she had to get ready for work and I needed to get home so Neal wouldn't be all alone. Though I didn't need to worry about that, since he had just woken up when I arrived. My mom was on the phone but the moment she was off she called me upstairs to tell me that my Aunt had a good idea. She and my Uncle own a heating and cooling company and are part of this bigger company called Nexstar. She has decided that, based on my experience and personality, I would make a wonderful dispatcher for a heating and cooling or plumbing company and directed me to the website and told me that if I'm interested to email her my resume when I'm back in CT and she'd post it where all the different company's owners would see it and maybe, just maybe, I'd get a job back in the midwest. I was ecstatic, and of course I said yes. In between the phone calls to and from her Neal and I went to the preschool again and then home to eat some food and relax a little. The end of the day plan included driving to Marietta to visit with Josh and his girlfriend Chelsea and then to Byesville to see the Hendersons. The Marietta thing went well considering it was ex-boyfriend and girlfriend with new boyfriend and girlfriend having dinner together like a double date. It was nice because Chelsea and Neal have no problem getting a conversation going so there was very little awkward silences and dinner went well... until Chelsea choked on her baked potato. I hear a weird noise and see Josh reach for her and look to see yellow gunk on her face under her nose, like something had come up her nose, and she went to blow it when her mouth opened wide and she sounded like she was going to throw up. Josh let her out and she ran off to the bathroom only to come back minutes later jumping up and down motioning that she can't breathe. Josh calmly got up and gave her the Heimlich until she could breathe again, and the moment she could she said "Oh, that was embarrassing" and ran off to the bathroom again. Josh told us that she tends to have little accidents like that, like how she fell flat on her face on the sidewalk on their very first date. When she came back she hunched over in her seat obviously wishing to be invisible and we left soon after. Quite the event, and I feel kind of bad because that incident is what I'll remember most from that occasion.
We got back waaay to early. June wasn't due back from Canada until 7:30 and we were back in Cambridge by 6:45 so we went to Petland to play with puppies until I got her phone call. Since June and I haven't really been close since our freshman year of college due to a whole host of reasons I was expecting a short visit. Instead we walked in and said Hey and introduced Neal and I hugged Bill and we stood in the doorway talking. It used to be that she seemed very politely interested in what I would say and it would be a very one-sided conversation. Instead we ended up sitting down and Neal sat over on a chair by himself and eventually picked up a book because june and I were talking to each other and not really to him. We moved downstairs to show and a really old, semi-embarrassing video from when June and I were nine years old and then June and I continued to talk while Neal and Bill discussed video games. June and I covered a good two years of time and she apologized for being such a jerk for all this time. We had a conversation that was like it used to be once upon a time, and I loved it. I'd missed things being normal with her, and somewhere between me moving and me coming back to visit she suddenly reevaluated her emotions and why she wasn't really my friend anymore and decided it wasn't worth it for things to continue that way. Neal and I didn't leave until 11:30.

Now it's 12:54am Thursday morning. We leave today to go back to CT where I will immediately send my resume to my aunt and hope and pray for the best, find out what I need to do to put in a two weeks notice at Verizon, begin talking to my apartment manager about leaving, and save money like a fiend.

Don't worry, Ohio. I'll be back.

Long in Staying, Slow to Leave.

Without ever leaving the country I went further out of my comfort zone than I have ever been.

How, you ask?

I got my hair cut and went out to eat.

Major letdown, right? Except that I got my hair cut at a place that gives it's customers wine while they wait and ate at a casino after my boyfriend won money at blackjack.

For some people this whole scenario is all in a day's work, but for me, backwoods midwest little me, I've never felt so out of place in my life. Except for the fact that I also felt comfortable as well. I know, oxymoron. But it was one of those days for me. You know, the kind of day where your clothes fit just right and your hair falls just so and you walk out the door knowing that everyone around you wishes they looked and felt as confident and sexy as you do.

I walked through that unknown casino like I owned the place with the new haircut for which I paid more than I ever have in my life. Then, on top of it all, I discovered that I won the recognition parking spot for the highest call quality on the floor at my job alongside a friend who actually deserves the honor. Total surprise, seeing as how only one of my scores really counted for that spot and I've only been on the floor for three weeks.

Finally, the cherry on top, I find out yesterday that my mom is having surgery on her uterus. Apparently the whole thing is coming out because they found some kind of growth and are checking it for cancer. Cancer. Just a few weeks after my dad has a minor heart attack my mom is tested for cancer, all in the same year as my new job and big move far, far away from my family. It would figure that once I actually left the state like I've always dreamed my family starts to fall apart medically.

Thankfully I get to go home to visit in a couple of weeks, though a mere four days is definitely not enough.

I always thought that going out of my comfort zone would be something more like competing for American Idol. Traveling alone to Greece. Starring in a movie. But no, getting a haircut at a fancy salon, going to a casino, living in a place where people invite their relatives to church to hear me sing... yeah, forgot to mention that part. On Sunday, the one Sunday I didn't sing on the worship team, one of our new members came up to me after to tell me her sister came expecting to hear me sing and I wasn't up there. She then proceeded to tell me that I have a beautiful voice. It's really hard for me to not get a big head, which is why a month or so off from singing will be good for me. Instead of worshipping I'm performing because I know how much everyone loves to hear me sing. It's good for me to take a break or I'll get conceited. It's just so strange after having lived in a place where I was always third or second best, or even lower, compared to my sister or someone from my school. It always kept me in my place, but here I'm a novelty. No one knows my family here, no one has heard them sing so for the first time in my life I'm noticed. Again, trying not to get a big head. It's not like I brag about it. It's just new. All of it. A strange, new world in which I don't feel I belong and which is nothing like I hoped my future life would be.

I listen to songs that take me to worlds I doubt I'll ever be part of. Big city life as a glam single woman. Vegas. L.A. to work in the movies. Spain. And yet I wish... wish I wasn't tied down here, wish I could pack up and leave it all behind. I looked seriously at quitting my job, my lease, giving my car to my sister, and packing all my stuff into a storage unit to go teach English as a Second Language in Korea this week. It was so enticing, the idea of leaving this all behind and going somewhere completely foreign. Moving to Connecticut wasn't a huge adventure for me, not when I had family here and vacationed here every summer. But Korea... I wanted to go in the worst way. But then I remembered the bills for my car, cell phone, insurance, and that I would have to pay interest on my apartment if I quit my lease in the middle. I remembered Neal, knowing that if it was what I wanted to do he'd let me go but that he would do everything he could to keep me here believing it was his fault I was leaving.

It's so hard to be a free spirit in a box, looking for every opportunity to start over, be a new person. It's more of a cage than a prison cell when you're never satisfied with who and where you are.

Diary of an Old Soul

"I've been on the move for a year. Never stay in one place more than a week." ~Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

If only.

One of my friends lives in the Philippines as a certified scuba instructor. My cousin once lived in the Virgin Islands working as first mate on a yacht. She now lives in Utah, rappelling and hiking and basically being made of awesome. Other friends studied abroad in Spain or Scotland. Others joined the military. So what's wrong with me?

"Think with me for a moment. How has life turned out differently from the way you thought it would?... How about your work, your place in the world - do you go to bed each night with a deep sense of having made a lasting contribution? Do you enjoy ongoing recognition for your unique successes? Are you even working in a field that fits you? Are you even working at all? Now, what if I told you that this is how it will always be, that this life as you now experience it will go on forever just as it is, without improvement of any kind? Your health will stay as it is, your finances will remain as they are, your relationships, your work, all of it. It is hell." ~John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire

It is rare now that a day goes by I don't ask God if my life is what it's supposed to be. John Eldredge writes that everyone has a secret desire, that desire for life as it was meant to be, and I believe that I desire for that life with more fervor than most. He claims that most of us don't think about it, we go through life forgetting that desire.

Not me.

Neal and I drove to New Haven today to a music store so I could find some new piano pieces. Before we even left, sitting in the car I asked if he was okay. He'd been a little quiet and preoccupied all day, and he tried to say nothing was wrong. He wasn't okay, but nothing was wrong. I wrung it out of him, finally, and he said I'd been very distant lately and that it bothers him because he believes it to be his fault. As we pulled into a Mobil station I made it very clear that it was not his fault at all, and as we drove down to New Haven words started falling out of my mouth. I'd held them in for far too long. I explained that it wasn't him, it's me. I know that line is cliche, but so true.

I am never satisfied. I have no ambition in life. I went into college with absolutely no idea what I would major in, and as I finished college I had no idea where to start looking for a job. Nothing seemed worthwhile or interesting and, living in a place like Southeastern Ohio, there's very little opportunity for anything adventurous beyond farming or business. As I worked at the preschool I dreamed of traveling Europe, visiting countries I had never seen and getting to know people who's language I couldn't speak and just constantly moving from place to place getting to know everyone and anyone until I finally realized who I was and the purpose I have in this life. I dreamed of getting married and having children, but I didn't want the suburban life. Therein posed a problem, the problem of being a nomad and traveling and yet also settling down to have a family and a husband and a life full of friends and fun and fellowship. I couldn't decide if I was a hippie or a city chick, a country girl or a hardcore feminist. Conservative or liberal. Single or taken. Content or not. Usually not. I lived with a passionate desire to be "anywhere but here", thinking that if I was somewhere else where I could be whomever I wanted to be, not "Ken's daughter" or "Erin/Jennie/Anne's sister", but once I got to anywhere but there and spent some time I realized that it still wasn't enough. I'm still not satisfied. I'm working a job in order to pay my bills and live my life and yet all I can wish for is to be somewhere else, to just pack up and leave it all behind. Deep down, in the lowest vestiges of my being, I'm a nomad. I'm here and then I'm not. I hate being trapped in a box. What do I fear?

"A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire" (The Two Towers).

What makes this hard is the emotional ties I have to the places I go. On one hand it's hard to leave, hard to let go for so many reasons that I couldn't possibly list them. On the other hand it's easy because, after awhile, the desire to leave overcomes the want to please everyone instead of following my heart. I don't want to spend my life wishing I'd done something different. I don't want to die wondering who I am, who I was supposed to be, who I could have been. No regrets.

If only.

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.

I have a few minutes before leaving for my &%$#*@ job so I'm writing a quick update. Life is going well, though my job gets more and more unbearable. I no longer care whether I stay with Verizon or not and as soon as I'm done writing in here I will be calling in about substitute teaching and looking for part-time jobs to go with it. Subbing usually doesn't give one benefits or holiday pay, but the service I've been told about (by someone I trust who used the service in the past and is going back to it because she hates verizon as much as me) offers both. I could easily do substitute teaching, since I do have experience with children and teaching. It would get me out for the day around 2pm, I'd have weekends and holidays, I would rarely be in the same place twice, and I would much prefer it to listening to full grown adults complain about their bill or service or phone for eight hours a day. I've also been applying for administrative assistant jobs at Yale, Albertus Magnus, various hospitals and law firms and so on. I apply for something else almost every day. This week has been hectic on it's own due to the fact that I spent every morning at my church doing vacation bible school and then went to work almost immediately after. No breathing time at all. Neal and I took Monday off of work but I'm beginning to wish we'd worked on Monday and taken today off. Even so, we're going in to work (sigh) and on the way I'll be calling into Kelly Services to talk with someone about subbing. It sounds great, but I've begun to wonder about summertime next year and the days I've taken off in September to fly to Ohio and how that time would give me no pay at all. So I'm praying about it, but I'm also calling for information. Tomorrow Neal and I are headed to Southington for a friend's son's birthday party (pool... thank you Jesus) and then to hang out with her and her husband for a bit afterward. I was somewhat surprised by the invite but really like the person who invited us so it wasn't a big deal.

Either way, to sum up: my job sucks, I'm finding another, but I'm making good friends and enjoying the time I don't spend chained to a desk. Pray, HARD, for me because it's going to take strength of will to not just walk out of my job.

Almost Famous

The longer I have my job the more I wish I was doing something else. I hate customer service. Last Monday I was in tears on my way to work and even after I arrived and I actually ended up in discussion with my supervisor about whether or not I feel this is the right job for me. She told me that I'm very good at my job and that once I've developed that hard skin I won't hate the job so much anymore. I sincerely hope that is true. Otherwise she suggested that I keep the job while searching for another or that I stick it out and find a different department that suits me better. As we talked I told her about college and how I really don't know what I want to do with my life, that I love to write and draw and create and she watched, smiling, as my face lit up and she said, quietly, "You're a creator. We need creators at Verizon Wireless". So now I'm beginning to wonder about going into Marketing and Advertising with Verizon Wireless and whether it's a real possibility. I still have to finish transition and get through the remainder of the year but I will continually be looking for positions in marketing and advertising, even though I have little experience in that field. I don't really want to leave the company because, if my future goes as I currently believe it will, getting a job outside of Verizon will make the transition to a new life in a different place harder because I will have to find a different job instead of transferring to the same in a different location.

Meanwhile thoughts of trying out for American Idol float through my head, along with painting or building sets for a big deal production in New York or California or Chicago and becoming a published writer and selling books to the masses. Anything but working for Verizon. The problem is that I rarely have time for writing anymore. I mean, it's the 27th of July today. The last time I wrote was two days before my sister's wedding. I went to Ohio, came back, and continued to work and spend time with Neal and neglected any time spent by myself doing anything other than cleaning or bringing my poor plant back to life. My apartment is a disaster, I've volunteered to help with VBS at my church, my family was in town this weekend, and I haven't had time to myself other than when I'm in the shower. I look forward to a normal shift, colder days, and a job I enjoy going to.

As aforementioned my family is currently in town. On Friday they came to see my apartment and to take Neal and myself out for lunch in Middletown before work. On Saturday Neal and I got up early and went to West Haven for an outreach where I painted faces and he passed out fliers before we headed off to Windsor for a cookout at my aunt and uncle's house with a ton of people and even more food. On Sunday we woke early and drove out to the church where I practiced with the praise team at the Vineyard and sang during the service (this is where the American Idol ideas came from, since everyone came and told me what I phenomenal singer I am) after which my family and I headed to Neal's parent's for lunch/dinner and games. This morning Neal and I went grocery shopping and watched a movie and here I am, writing before work. Very little time is granted to me for my own use, though Neal would be happy to give it to me if I asked for it. Tomorrow Dad is coming to help me with my checkbook after I go to the church for VBS stuff so that alone time will begin on Wednesday, starting with a long workout to get rid of the food I ate this weekend. And life goes on. And on. And on. Suddenly 30 years feels like much too long... heck, TWO years is too long! We'll see where God takes me.

And the thing is, I know it'd be harder to be famous... but even that feels like a better proposition.

Ugh, Life!

Give me a moment to reread my last post...

So, life continues to press on. After next week I will be halfway through transition and, according to my supervisor, I am well on my way to being a leading customer service rep and, after that, a senior rep. After 6 months as a senior rep or so you can move into whatever other department you choose! I have a contact in the Human Resources department (she's the sister of one of my college professors! Small world!) and she told me that she would be more than happy to meet with me after I'm out of transition to discuss my career path. Even if I don't end up in HR, my main goal is to have a job where I deal with employees instead of customers, or where I don't have to talk on the phone at all. There are all kinds of opportunities with Verizon once you've gotten started so all it takes is me persevering through another year of dealing with customers and blowing everyone out of the water while I'm at it so that when the time comes I can move on to bigger and better and more enjoyable things. In the meantime I do my darnedest to help everyone to the best of my ability, keep calm, and leave work at work so I don't dwell on escalations or stupid mistakes. This week, thank goodness, has been a relatively slow week but from what I understand, next week is going to be hell so I'll enjoy the slowness while it lasts. All in all it's a nice preamble to a weekend home in Ohio with friends and family.

As previously stated in the blog before this one, Neal and I took a trip into New York City to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We awoke very early on Saturday morning to take the train into Grand Central. As neither of us is very familiar with the city we began to walk to the Met... a location that was a good 42 city blocks from Grand Central. An hour later we arrived, sweaty and exhausted, but excited to see what was inside. Due to the train schedule and the evening we planned with friends we only spent a couple of hours in the museum before taking a cab back to Grand Central. Both of us fell asleep on the train on the ride back, though after 42 city blocks that's really not surprising. The evening with our friends was great fun, the food was excellent, and we have pretty much been cemented into people's minds as a couple.

Speaking of Neal, he has now signed a lease to live in the same apartment building as me! He will be living right down the hall, which will make commuting to work a little cheaper gas-wise, and he also intends to pay for part of the cable bill so he doesn't need to get his own internet. Also, the fact that I referred him means that I only have to pay just over $400 for my August rent. The extra $200, plus the extra holiday pay I earned for working on Independence Day, and the shift differential earned by working after 5pm every day will give me enough money to buy some new tires for my car and a wedding present for my sister and her husband! As my friend Kenny so aptly put it, I'll be rolling in dough... till I buy the tires, of course.

Speaking of friends... Not too long ago, maybe a month or so, I realized that one of my good friends from back home had suddenly and mysteriously defriended me on Facebook for no apparent reason. He detagged all pictures in which he and I were both present as well. This left me very upset and rather angry because not two weeks prior he and I had been texting amicably about his upcoming visit in the middle of June. I sent a couple of texts to find out what was going on and received no response, so I wrote him off completely, figuring that he'd found some new girl and decided to forget me forever. Until last night. Last night I went on my final break for the day and pulled out my phone to find a text from said friend. Basically he wrote that he was sorry he hadn't gotten back to me and that he'd just gotten through a trying time with a girl who had issues with him talking to his ex-girlfriends and he'd had no idea she had done anything. He and I sent texts back and forth for awhile until I got the full picture: he had been friendly with this girl who found the last text conversation he and I had had and she went completely berserk, deleting all of his texts and my old phone number, getting into his facebook and defriending any girls he was too friendly with, myself included, changed his email and password on the account so he can't get into it at all, and never told him. When I realized I'd been defriended I sent a text asking about his visit in June and apparently she received the text, deleted it, and then told him I'd written saying I never wanted to see or hear from him again. He believed her until this past weekend when she told him God told her they should just be friends, that she had changed and defriended and deleted on his phone and account, and then refused to give him the new user name and password in order to save him from his moral discrepancies. Basically, she's a super-Christian, controlling, psycho maniac and I told my friend when he explained this to me that he needs a screening system for the girls he meets from now on. He's in the middle of an email war with Facebook in order to prove it really is his account and that someone else locked him out of it. But once he explained everything life was good again, we had a decently long conversation, I told him that I'd moved and that I have Neal now, and he may still come for a visit. All I can say is that I'm very, very glad I was never as ridiculous as that girl when I was 18, and Neal is thankful too (he heard the whole conversation, since I was in the car with him at the time). In my personal opinion, people like that should NOT exist, or if they do they should be put into a commune so they can be tyrannical with each other instead of the rest of us normal people.

Anyway, that's my life up to this point. I get to fly out to Ohio on Saturday morning for my sister's wedding and write a check to my best friend so she can pay for gas. I'll be visiting my brother so we can chat about Verizon plans and phones and deals, and also my friend Adam, who has been begging for a back massage since the day I moved here. Oh! And I've been invited to begin practicing with the Praise Team at my church! My schedule will make attendance interesting, but I'm going to do my best. :-) So except for my job, all is well with the world, and I really can't wait for Saturday....

Realizations and Reality

Something makes me think I've used that title before...

So far this week has been pretty amazing, although with each passing day my eagerness to do my job drops significantly. We spent four and a quarter hours on the phone today, and I only handled fifteen or so calls in that time. A good rep handles 48-52 calls in a single eight hour shift. I know I'm only in training, but sometimes it's really tempting to sit in call work until the time runs out so I don't have to speak to more customers than necessary. So many of the problems are identical, even if the people who call in about them aren't, and it gets monotonous. Today I spent an hour and a half on the phone walking a woman through registering for My Verizon and upgrading her phones so that she wouldn't have to call in later to ask what mistakes she made and why the second phone costs $69.99 when it originally said it was free. A different woman hung up on me. I really have no sympathy for her, though, because she's at the lowest possible price plan with the lowest possible minutes. The last time she called in she was offered save and loyalty plans and could have accepted it then. Prices were given, and she CHOSE the 300 minute Nationwide Basic and yet she felt the need to call in and complain that it was only a $5 difference for a 150 minute difference and we don't offer rollover minutes! She threatened with leaving for a different company, but in looking at her remarks I know all she wanted was the loyalty plans that suddenly sound much better now that she got her bill. There was so much I wanted to say to that woman... She's paying just over $40 a month for a phone. There are people who pay hundreds more than that who have legit reasons to call in whom we could be helping while this woman complains about a $5 difference. Basically people call customer service so we can take the blame for their mistakes.

And the point of my rant is to say that people are the reason I love and hate my job. The only reason I'm putting up with customer service is so I can pay for rent and eventually get my masters and move up to Human Resources where I only deal with employees. Much more my style than listening to the greater percentage of 80 million customers complain.

On a different note, my weekend is jam packed. Early Saturday morning Neal and I leave for New York City for the day and we will return that evening in time for dinner with friends from church! Apparently homemade egg rolls, games and a movie are also involved and I'm just a little excited. Then on Sunday I intend to clean my apartment, finally. I just haven't been home enough to do it lately and it desperately needs it. Living on your own definitely has its perks, but when it comes to fixing the toilet I really wish my dad were here.

Besides my job I'm enormously happy. Life is good, and God is greater.

I Am A Promoter!!

I was dreading work this week after that call on Friday, but thank goodness all of my calls have been relatively good, especially today.

Today I had the privilege of speaking with two different customers, one of whom was on the phone with me and I was about to change her price plan when we had a power surge and all the computers turned off! She was more than happy to chat with me while the computers rebooted. At the end of the call she asked to speak with my manager so she could tell him/her how great I was. Another call later was the same way, minus the power surge. I just wanted to brag a little and am going to write word for word what was said about me, information that is sent via email to everyone on the floor.

Due to confidentiality I will call them Customer #1 and Customer #2.

"I had the pleasure of speaking with Customer #1 who had the following to say about Emily...
'I wanted to speak with Emily's manager and give kudos to her. She was amazing and I was so impressed at the level of service she provided as she is still in training. I have been in multiple customer service jobs and know how demanding they can be. She was so thorough, polite and efficient and I was completely blown away by her pleasant disposition and with the rapport she built. I cannot think of a single complaint I would have about the conversation we had, or the way she handled what came her way. Emily is a keeper and I see her being one of your best customer service representatives.'
"This is such a wonderful achievement Emily and an excellent way to start out your time in transition... Well done, keep up the good work!!!!"


"I had the pleasure of speaking with Customer #2 regarding his conversation with Emily. He wanted to let me know that Emily was completely professional and pleasant to speak with. She did a wonderful job and he just wanted us all to know about it! Great job Emily, keep up the good work!"


Needless to say, after a day like today I'm on cloud nine. Both of these customers have had a background in customer service, which is part of the reason why they requested to speak with a manager. I'm sure that if I called their customer service and was helped in a similar way that I help them I would do the exact same thing.

Anyway, I just wanted to brag a little. :)

Oh, and btw, to all who read this... you can follow this blog and have it sent to your email address. I'm not sure how, but I know it can be done, so please feel free!

Some Advice...

On Friday I experienced my very first 8hr shift on the phones at work. I both loved and hated it, and unfortunately it has been haunting me ever since. Literally. All night long I had dreams about answering people's billing, equipment, and price plan questions, it was like I never left work! Due to this I did not sleep well at all and therefore Neal and I postponed our trip to New York City due to my fatigue as well as a raging headache and a sudden urge to throw up (which I didn't succumb to). From now on I will be either reading a book or doing some serious prayer before I sleep because I refuse to take my work home with me anymore.

One particular call haunts me, even now. The conversation repeats itself in my head over and over... that woman's voice has been forever engraved on my mind. I spent an hour on the phone with this woman, explaining to her that I will be fired if I give her the phone number of another Verizon customer due to FCC regulations and confidentiality law and that I have no control over what the last representative she talked to did or did not do. She screamed profanity at me, demanded a supervisor, and even cried on the phone as I explained that I can change her plan to the lowest possible plan but that it wouldn't go into effect until the next bill cycle. By the time the call was over she loved me, telling me that I had an A+ in her book and asked for my name and saying that she would refer everyone to me and that even if I hadn't helped with her bill she felt better having spoken with me. It made me feel good at the time, but as the night progressed I began to wonder if she would call in again and tell a different representative a different story and try to get me fired like she's hoping to do to the other guy she spoke to the previous week. Even though I know that she can't touch me due to the fact that my remarks are in the account and every phone call is recorded and I will not be forgetting the date and time of this call anytime soon, it still worries me. I know that by the end of next week I won't be worried anymore, but until then I will pray, hard, for God to watch over that woman and help her in her financial situation and with her temper, that she might treat other people the way she would like to be treated, and if you're the praying type I request that you do the same.

In the meantime, I have advice for all of you who will call customer service of any kind in the future: be nice. The problems with your bill or the equipment or with your plan are not the fault of the representative that happens to take your call and therefore should not be taken out on him/her. If they tell you something that disagrees with what you think is true, don't argue because they know far more about the company than you do and it is their job to do so. We deal with more crap in a given day than just about any other job on the planet, in my opinion, so be nice.

On a lighter note, I'm adding a couple of pictures.



First we have some of the training assistants. TAs only help with transition in two week increments, so this particular set is leaving us and we will be introduced to a new set on Monday. Due to it being their last night with us, we had food and by 10:30 these costumes appeared. Let's just say we have lots of fun at Verizon Wireless.



Finally we have the very first photo taken of Neal and me. We play Scrabble quite a bit, and at the moment I have won three games, Neal only two. I might have rubbed it in his face just a little...

And scene.

New York State of Mind

Quick update!!

I've been working the night shift for a week now and I must say that I rather enjoy it. We spend most of the 8hrs on the phones now instead of sitting in a classroom reviewing things we learned in training so that we can use them on the phones on a daily basis. Being on the phone really isn't that bad, although the person calling expects you to know what's going on. My only complaint at the moment is the fact that I have given my extension to a number of customers but managed, two days ago, to lock myself out of my voicemail due to not knowing the password! I called IT last night and put in a trouble ticket to get it unlocked but the email I received said it may take until 6/24 for it to be taken care of!! Ah, panic...

On a different note, Neal and I decided to do something a little different this weekend so we're taking a trip to New York City. I'm a little nervous about it, to be honest, due to the fact that the last time I saw NYC I was within a large charter bus and never stepped outside without a chaperone. This time we'll be taking the train in from New Haven and either walking or taking a cab to The Met, where I have never been. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time; New York is NOTHING like Chicago. Also this weekend we'll be spending Sunday afternoon with another couple from the Vineyard, which should be great fun, and on Sunday night we're going out for drinks with Neal's sister and brother-in-law, whom I have yet to meet. They live out of state so this will be my first time meeting them and I've been told that his sister is wild with anticipation...

Work time! Get excited. (God, please don't let me have any angry people today, and if I do, please help me keep them calm and help as much as I can, thank you!)

Long Time No See!

So, as luck would have it, the slowness of the dial-up my aunt and uncle have at their house did not allow my last blog to be posted. This is annoying, as there was a ton of stuff in there that I do not now remember so I'll just have to update the most recent things that have happened.

First of all, my "friend" Neal and I are now dating and have been for a couple of weeks. We chose not to post it on Facebook because, really, in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? We know we're official so there's no point in announcing it to the world at large just so I can be bombarded with questions. We have a ridiculous amount of things in common, we think on the same wavelength, and his family is abnormally like mine...

As of yesterday (6/9/09) we at Verizon moved from training to transition. On Monday we spent the morning taking our final assessment, followed by a raucous party for which we had a potluck. My Sunday was spent at Neal's house watching him make pasta salad as I slaved over my potato salad (which turned out relatively well). There was a ridiculous amount of food at our party and we invited anyone who wanted some to feel free to help themselves. That afternoon we were given our scores and our ratings. The rating was merely for the sake of shift bids. For example, I got a 92% on the final assessment which ranked me 6 of 23. Last week we were given a list of possible shifts for once transition is over (Aug 30th) and we were to number the list from what we wanted most to what we wanted least. The person who was number 1 in the class got first pick and so on. Due to being 6th I had a very high chance of getting the shift I wanted (which I did, but more on that later). We had "graduation" and then we took all of our stuff upstairs to our assigned desks and spent the remainder of the day setting up email and the printer and so on. On Tuesday we began the evening shift, the 3-11:30pm shift. It's a bear, especially when you're in the classroom most of the time. For now we are taking the time to review specific procedures and policies that we will need once we take calls... which is from 3-6:15pm tomorrow. *PANIC*

Aside from my job, which I know bores many people (though please feel free to bombard me with technical questions because it helps me learn and helps you), I finally moved into my own apartment! Two weekends ago, the last weekend in May, my dad came up with the remainder of my belongings and he, my grandfather, Neal and I moved everything into my new studio apartment a mere fifteen minutes from Verizon. Dad spent the weekend, came to church with me, and got to meet Neal (whom I had begun to officially date the previous Monday). Since Dad and Neal are both Red Sox fans neither can complain about the other. Plus Dad friended Neal on Facebook, which is always a good sign. As of now the apartment is mostly set up, but I'm in the market for a large bookshelf and searching for material with which to make curtains for the oddly sized windows. Once all of that has been taken care of and everything is unpacked I will take pictures of my apartment and post them here for all to see.

All in all, I'm loving Connecticut. When I first moved here I wasn't so fond, but the longer I'm here, the more people I meet, the more I like it. This does not mean that I intend to stay here for the rest of my life, but it'll do for now. My apartment is cozy and clean and has a balcony and a hanging plant gifted to me by my aunt and uncle and I have healthy food and will have plenty of money in order to live. Just Tuesday I got cable tv and high speed internet, for which I am exceptionally thankful. After a month or more of dial-up or the library I'm on cloud nine. The longer I'm here the more I believe this is really where God wants me to be. The apartment never felt alien to me, even though I hadn't lived here before. I feel safe, and I love living on my own. I found the most amazing church, have a date for lunch next Tuesday with a new friend, was invited and went to a Memorial Day picnic (which was described in the last blog that didn't post), have a boyfriend, love my job, and have been ordered to visit my grandparents once a month no matter what. Though I miss my friends in Ohio (one of whom defriended me on facebook without warning or reason) I am happy and content to be here.

With one exception.

The shift I was given is Wednesday - Sunday, 3:00-11:30pm. I know from my research that Christmas is on a Friday this year. Vacation time is impossible to get when it comes to holidays, so for the moment I am unable to go to Ohio for Christmas this year. However, from what I understand our next shift bid happens in October and goes into effect in November so I still have a fighting chance. If I'm still unable to get home I was invited to spend Christmas at Neal's... but it's just not the same. Neal's family doesn't have the traditions that my family does. I have never once missed Christmas with my family because I always lived at home and I always assumed I'd be able to go home for the holiday but it just isn't so. So my new prayer is that my next shift bid will give me Thursday and Saturday off so that no vacation time is needed. However, one of my TAs told me that I could do a shift swap with someone and change two of my shifts to different days. Though with it being Christmas the likelyhood of that happening is slim to none.

Beyond that one depressing fact, I love Connecticut and am thankful to be here. It's strange to look around and realize that this is the world I live in now, that New Concord is no longer my home... but it's a fact of life. All kinds of changes will happen in my life that are bigger and stranger than this transition, but at least when that happens I'll be ready for it.

I'm Down to a Whisper...

... in a daydream on a hill.
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still?

I have decided that this will be my catch-up blog. I.E. I am adding pictures of activities and places I have done and been since coming here to CT, things I've written about but you, dear Reader, have not yet seen.

I begin with Boston. I took a trip to Boston about three weeks ago and took various pictures but only of buildings so I chose to not add to Facebook. Not to mention that my internet access is much to slow to bother with adding pics to Facebook. I mean, in my attempt to put pictures to this blog I have managed to write these two paragraphs and one picture is still struggling to load. It makes for slow typing, but so be it. Anywho, I am only posting two of my many pictures from Boston. The first is merely a sign from the site of the Boston "Massacre" to prove that I really was in Boston. The second is the only proof I have that John was indeed present as well.

This is a photo of my room at my aunt and uncle's house. According to my uncle, that bed once belonged to my great grandmother and I feel somewhat privileged to be sleeping in it. I have yet to meet someone who did not love great Nanny and I wish she'd lived long enough for me to really know her. As it is, this is my tiny but serviceable room. It currently has odds and ends for my new apartment hidden surreptitiously throughout.

This past weekend was one of the most eventful of my time here so far. A friend of mine from work was kind enough to assuage my usual Friday night boredom by inviting me to join him for dinner. Unfortunately he is roughly an hour from Windsor so by the time we finished dinner it was already 8:30pm but at least I didn't spend that time at home by myself. The same friend, prior to Friday's invitation, invited me to go hiking at The Sleeping Giant in Hamden and I readily agreed. Now that spring is well underway and summer is quickly approaching all of the trees are green and flowers have begun to bloom in full force so this particular hike was absolutely breathtaking, even if it was a foggy, somewhat rainy day. In some ways the fog and mist made the trail even more alluring, as you see in the picture here. At the top of the path we walked (which was roughly 1.6 mi) was a huge lookout tower where you could see for miles. Or you would, if it weren't so foggy.

Once again, for the fourth consecutive week, I attended the Vinyard Church in West Haven and continue to love it more every time I attend. However, this past Sunday there were some marked differences beginning with the fact that my Friday dinner buddy/hiking partner was there as well. During the time we spent together over the previous two days the subject of church and God inevitably arose. He explained that though he likes the Lutheran church he usually attends, no one there is within twenty years of his age. I replied that there are plenty of people our age at my church. Hence, his attendance on Sunday. Additionally, one of the many people I have befriended at Vinyard Christian Fellowship invited me to a gathering at his house on Memorial Day! And, because my friend was standing there with me, he was invted also! Following this exciting addition to my forthcoming calendar was fellowship time and a number of people who came up to my friend to exclaim that they, too, were from Madison and where in Madison is he from? The fact that he was garnering more attention than I didn't bother me in the slightest as I was old news and he certainly was not. The most exciting part of the day, for me, was his admission to me that he really felt the spirit at the Vineyard, something he hadn't felt in a very long time, and would therefore be returning to the church regularly in the future. In this I am thankful because, even if I do nothing else in my time here in CT, I was instrumental in God's plan for my friend's life. Joy unspeakable.

I will say that conversation this weekend made it some of the most interesting days of the past month. No elaboration on that subject, sufficient to say that my friend considers me one of the most unique and interesting people he has ever met and that we have an abnormal number of morals, values and beliefs in common. However, as the both of us work for Verizon, we must needs be careful about this friendship we've begun because, as he is male and I am female, it could be taken the wrong way and dating between co-workers is discouraged. So to avoid an HR confrontation I am overly cautious.

Now it is Monday, yet again, and I in my infinite wisdom forgot to change my alarm from Sunday morning's 7:45 and therefore woke at 6:33am instead of 6. Though I wasn't late for work, I wasn't very clean and the outfit I wore was the first thing I grabbed from the closet. That was the beginning of a very dreary day and I am thankful that it's over. I really hope that this morning is not a foretelling of the week to come because if so, I should just go jump out of the window now and save myself the agony. As it is, I think I'll be taking extra precautions this week to make sure it isn't.

I move next Wednesday! :)

Long Walks and Unending Days

Day by day nothing changes. Class continues to get harder and evenings are spent in my room reading or writing or thinking... or playing a video game. Depending on my mood. The drive to work is so long that by the time I get there I'm ready to go home. By the time I get home I have been awake for twelve hours already, and after a long, arduous day, all I want to do is be lazy. However, for the sake of my sanity and health I made the long couple of mile walk to the library to search for plane tickets and catch up on emails. Every day I learn more and can explain more and feel a little more confident that I will be able to do my job when the time comes. Rarely do I miss home, but I have my moments... I saw pictures of my younger sister redoing her bedroom and it looked so strange to me. Even though I lived in that room for at least sixteen years. Even though I lived in the house for twenty-three... it was weird.

Sometimes things just dawn on us long after the change has occurred, and on Monday I experienced just that. As I drove home from work (a trial in and of itself) I realized... I'm here. I am a member of the working class, of the 8 - 5ers, one of the millions of people who sit in a cubicle for hours on end wishing and waiting for something exciting to happen. Not that I dislike my job, because I don't. I'm just biding my time until I can move somewhere a little more exciting. Everyone I meet here is always asking me why on earth I chose to move to CT and I'm like, I didn't. CT chose me. And only God knows why. As the summer goes on and things become settled I'm going to find activities to occupy my time. Nothing like going to the beach, or shopping at the mall. No, I want to rock climb, to kayak, to hike, to be active and live an exciting life. I have yet to make friends who are interested in such things. Sadly. However, I am thankful for the friends I have made and love them all just the same.

As previously stated, I have nothing to say really. I finally have benefits, I'm searching for a dentist, I move into my apartment on the 29th (which is also the date I will see my Dad for the first time since mid-April, which seems forever ago), and otherwise, I work. And work, and work.

Peace.

Shock and Boredom... Opposites attract

Hey hey, world! It's Wednesday already, which is amazing in and of itself. Life passes by so quickly, sometimes, and sometimes it feels like you're going nowhere when in fact you've gone further than many thought you ever would.

My week has been fraught with all kinds of craziness. Sunday, which I was so looking forward to, was clouded by rain and the discovery of the death of a girl with whom I attended college. I checked my Facebook (something I can do easily from my new phone) to find status updates about Amy Adams, many of them asking for prayer and wishing that she rest in peace... Not being in the loop anymore, I messaged and sent texts until I found out the truth of her death, information that left me completely lethargic with grief. More than anything I wanted to play the piano but had, unfortunately, left my music at home so I wrote my sisters begging for one of them to please, please scan some music and send it to me! One of them did, finally, but a few days late. Even though I didn't know Amy well, the death of a 20 year old who was thriving and well and wonderful the last time I saw her is a major blow and a huge tragedy. As one friend put it, "The whole school is quiet". Suddenly the worries of my life didn't mean so much anymore. The joy of finding the books I wanted, the annoyance of driving so far to get where I need to be, the indignation of not being fully understood by many of the people I see on a daily basis... none of that really mattered much anymore. Because Amy's death was a tragedy, something that could have been prevented. She was probably looking forward to a hike that day with her boyfriend, a way to lessen the stress of finals, not knowing what would happen. It could have happened to any of us. And out of everyone it happened to, it had to be Amy. Like I said, I didn't know her well, but what I did know was this: she was kind, loving, funny (in her own, quiet way), and passionate about the people in her life and her relationship with God. Out of all the people on this earth, God took Amy, and only he knows why. But that's what my Sunday became, and I fed my grief with a movie and some reading and it lasted through the following day.

Work this week has been SO boring. Monday gave us a new trainer, as we have someone new every week, and it has become very hard to stay interested. Though to some it may look like ignorance, my problem is that it's hard for me to retain information that I care nothing about. We discussed ESNs yesterday (electronic serial numbers) and it was extensive and unalterably boring. When time came to do a group activity, I had to have the trainer repeat the instructions a few times before I began to comprehend exactly what we were doing and even then I lost my train of thought. To some I may look incredibly slow and stupid, but I knew it was because the information left me in a stupor of boredom. Today, on the other hand, we discussed texting and I had slept well for once and felt pretty good and was answering questions left and right and on the top of my game. If anyone thought I was stupid yesterday, they didn't think that today. Most likely it was because 1. I was in an unalterably good mood today for no apparent reason, 2. it was a subject I knew much about and 3. I was afraid of being seen as stupid and was making a valiant effort to stay aware. The benefit is that I learned something new today that I didn't know about texting and it's something I want everyone to try. If you have texting, dial in the number 46645 (or GOOGL, aka google without the E) and type in a question. An area code, a math problem, the location of a place where you can buy a soccer ball... and within moments Google will text you back with the answer. It's amazing! I asked it for places to buy a guitar and it sent me a reply in three separate texts! So everyone should try it, it's cheaper than calling 411 (which costs $1.49 every time. Texting is merely $0.20 to get and recieve, unless you have a text bundle already in which case overage is $0.10. With Verizon, that is) and probably faster too!

See the kind of amazing things one can learn when employed at Verizon Wireless? And it's something I can tell you because it's common knowledge already released to the public, which may not always be the case.

Beyond work and church (which was amazing, yet again) there is the subject of my friendships. On Monday one of my work friends informed me that my problem is that I'm too nice. We were informed before leaving for the day that we'd be assigned new seats the following day. While I could care less whom I sit next to, one of my friends cared very much. That friend is the one who told me I'm too nice. She also told me that she sees me as a country girl in a big world. What's amusing to me about that comment is that everyone in CT who has never visited Ohio automatically considers the whole state of Ohio 'country'. Though I'm a small town girl, I am not a country girl. It's also amusing because people in the small town told me I belong in the city. This leads me to wonder where I really belong. I do NOT belong in a suburb. I really don't belong in Connecticut, to be completely honest.

I discussed the country girl comment with another girl in my class today and she completely disagreed. She said she'd had me pegged as a free spirit, a love everyone, peaceful, hippie kind of person, which, for the most part, I am. She also admires me for my bravery of moving away from the State in which I've always lived to work in an entirely new place. Adventurous, she called me. I've gotten that a lot lately, and I suppose that in a way I am. Moving to an unfamiliar place doesn't seem like adventure to me, but that's just a matter of opinion. I will admit, however, that it's nice to see not everyone from Connecticut thinks I'm a dixie chick.

One thing I will say is that living here in a place where no one knows me at all is refreshing in that I can be entirely myself. That year I spent unemployed and working at the preschool really taught me a lot about who I am, so much so that I can come to a new place and not be altered by the people I meet like the me of old would have. It's a mervelous feeling to know you're set in who you are and to be content with that person.

However, I do know that Connecticut is not my destiny. After a year of work is under my belt I intend to move to Washington State. From the music I've heard and the books I've read that come from people out there, I'll fit in quite nicely. Boy, wouldn't that be a welcome change!

Life Gets Interesting...

I have found an apartment.

Because things are so slow for my aunt at her job due to the amazing economy, which is doing oh so well right now I might add, she has spent the past few days looking online for apartments for me. When I came home from work on Friday my aunt, uncle and cousin were all leaving for soccer practice and she told me as they were jetting out of here that she called an apartment place and we were going to see it tomorrow (today). I'm like, uh, okay... and they left. So I ate alone at the diner downtown yet again, which wasn't so terrible because I had a book and some good food (lemon cake with creamy frosting and raspberry filling and powdered sugar...) and two hours later returned to the house just before the rest of them. When they arrived my aunt told me all about the apartment she had found. It's in a town that is merely six exits off of I-91 from my job, which is amazing, and it's a studio apartment. The first month is completely free, but I can spread that month over the twelve month lease and it makes my rent a mere $610 and some change, not including utilities. If I'm green about my utility use, I can keep that payment down to about $60-80 so that makes for super cheap rent, comparitively. We saw the apartment today. It's in a beautiful location with an exceptionally nice landlady and apparently a bunch of other single females live there as well and feel completely safe. I can definitely see myself living there, too. The other places I checked out didn't feel quite right to me, but this one... this one fits. I'm on the third floor on the end, so I have an extra window and only one direct neighbor.



If this works, that's a photo of the outside of the apartment. Every apartment has a deck, along with some extra storage space. There's a closet the moment you walk in the front door just before the kitchen. The bathroom is directly off the kitchen. Continue walking down the short hallway and you'll get to the main room, which, due to the door to the balcony, is probably close to the size of my room back home. I've already had a million ideas of what I can do to the place with the stuff I have and I'm really, really excited.



Again, if this works, this is a picture of the door to the balcony and the gorgeous tree that graces my view. I intend to grow flowers out there and have a semi-comfortable chair to sit on so I can read out there on warm nights. Over all, it's a beautiful place and I'm really, really super excited! I go to sign the lease on May 27th after work and can move in directly after that! And that's perfect because it gives me a month to stock up on the stuff I need, like a shower curtain and bath towels and pots and pans.

Tomorrow is church again, and I'm making a visit to the Book Barn. West Haven isn't terribly far from Niantic so it should be a decently short drive and a long afternoon of buying books that i don't necessarily need. My idea of the perfect day, in other words.

I have two weeks of work under my belt now and some pretty good friendships. I sit with the same general group of people every day, a group that includes my friend Brandy, a woman named Dawn, and a bunch of guys, Neal, Dan, Dave, Edwin, and Michael. After awhile Jeff joins us as well. Mostly I spend all of lunch listening to the opinions of everyone else in the group without saying anything because I can never get a word in edgewise. It reminds me of family dinners back home (no offense, family, I love you all!). However, this past Friday Neal and I took a trip out to Starbucks (which made us five minutes late after lunch, but it was my first ever offense and I intend to never make that mistake again) and on that little drive Neal informed me that I am one of the most interesting people he's ever met. I find that hard to believe, since I think I'm really boring, but it's probably more because I'm a very different kind of person than everyone else in the class. It might also be because I'm very set in who I am as a person and I don't allow my position or the people who surround me affect that decision. In fact, any time any of my friends at work talks about someone else in the class when that person isn't there, I purposefully don't join in the conversation or settle it by saying that people are who they are and I won't judge them for it and I like everyone in the class anyway so end of story. I'm actually kind of proud of myself, because I do tend to lean in the direction of gossip sometimes, but never at my job. Almost everyone there is aware of my position as a Christian and I really don't want to be considered one of those Christians who are just like everyone else. I'm doing my best, but it's going to be a long haul.

So, anyway, that's where I am right now. I'm really excited about church and having the day to myself tomorrow. Not that I'm eager to get away from the relatives because I'm not. Now that the initial awkwardness has evaporated living here is easy and actually kind of fun. The four of us played pig tonight out in the driveway in the dark! Tons of fun, especially with a black basketball...

Peace.

Week One, New Friends, and other News

I found a church!!! On my way home from a day trip to Boston (when you live in CT you can take those) I googled "Vineyard churches Connecticut" on my phone and discovered two Vineyard churches. Since I know quite a few people who attend the Vineyard church back home and have attended on occasion myself I knew that it would be similar to my home church. The closest one of the two churches that popped up was down in West Haven, a good fifty minute drive from where I am. The drive doesn't bother me, since I know I'll be moving south of Hartford soon enough and therefore be closer to the church.

The moment I walked in the front door I was greeted by the pastor's wife, who proceeded to ask me questions and introduced me to everyone that walked through the doors. Before service began I had found a girl close to my age who is originally from Illinois and sat near me during the service. after service they have a fellowship time with food and coffee, and my new acquaintence allowed me to follow her around and introduced me to two other girls and their husbands and before I knew it I had been invited to lunch! On the whole this was an entirely different experience than the church last week and I loved every moment of it.

As aforementioned, I spent Saturday in Boston with a good friend of mine. I arrived around 11:30am and called my friend to tell him I had arrived and accidentally woke him up. Apparently he'd been at his parent's 25th anniversary party until 4am. Even so, he managed to wake up and we took off for food and then to take the train into downtown Boston. J'ADORE Boston!!! The train reminded me very much of Chicago, which was fun, and for the first hour or two we wandered through the Boston Common which was absolutely packed due to the beautiful weather. The rest of the day was spent walking the Freedom Line, a path that takes you to every possible important historical building or graveyard in the city. I saw the Old North Church, the Old State House, the location of the Boston so-called Massacre, walked past Paul Revere's house without even seeing it, and went to two graveyards to see the tombstones of famous people like Mother Goose and Samuel Adams. We did deviate from the path to get some Italian food at this amazing restaurant called Al Dente, but for the most part we walked what felt like miles and just talked about everything and anything. So pretty much, I just had the perfect weekend.

Well, almost.

I discovered that I still can't get a library card. Unless I have an official document to prove I live here I can't get one. One of the other librarians had told me I could bring in any envelope with my name and current address on it and I could get a card, but it's not so. So I'm still stuck without a card and highly annoyed about it.

Other than the above, I finished my first week and work and still like my job! I know, who knew, right? I really enjoy the people I work with, one of whom is actively helping me find apartments, another who claims she would hook me up with one of her fiances friends if any of them were single, and another who is just absolutely hilarious. There isn't a single person in my training class that I don't enjoy talking to, and that's really saying something. We've finally passed the boring stage of the job and have finally begun to learn the things that will really matter, like the intricacies of various phone plans and where to find information about phone accessories on the intranet. Supposedly we'll be on overload by the end of seven weeks but that's awhile from now.

One thing about my new life here that I suppose is a good thing is that I find other things to do besides sitting at my computer checking facebook and chatting because internet isn't readily available.

At some point in the future I will be posting pictures on this blog as well, but we'll see how long it takes before that happens.