It's one of those nights where I'm SO glad to be home because work was absolutely horrible but I have no idea what to do with myself. I had a friend here earlier so we could do our weekly ab workout but she left awhile ago and it's only 9:20pm. I feel as though I should be content with just being home and doing nothing, but I'm not. Not even close. I'm downloading a movie I probably won't watch, I've already worked on my knitting, and none of my music explains how I feel.
I really want to talk to someone. Really talk, not just have a conversation about whatever. Heart to hearts are so rare right now, and I miss it. Sometimes it's nice to have someone just pour their life into yours and become intertwined through the expression of something that is deep and mysterious and complicated. In college there was always psychology or advanced writing or my senior seminar or acting I to really get my mind rolling over the reasons people are the way they are and why they act the way they do. I wish I lived somewhere that had a corner restaurant with tables on the sidewalk so I could sit and drink tea and people watch, making up stories about strangers I'll never meet. A napkin would hold notes and blips of dialogue I only witnessed rather than heard.
What if I went to a cafe that was so packed people had to share tables with complete strangers? I would go sit at a table with a person who was all alone and strike up a conversation, never asking for a name or background... My first question would probably be, "Why do you think people exist?" Someday I want to circulate a city park and ask that question, writing down answers and comparing them. It's as close to asking about religion as I can get without doing it directly. Because so many people in this world are adamant in their belief that God does not exist or that Christianity is wrong I'd really like to know what the majority really believes. Growing up in a Christian home it was a shock to realize that there were actually people who didn't go to church on Sundays. Now I find it more of a shock when I find people who do. Though I know going to church isn't the mark of a true Christian, if a person goes there's that possibility that the sermon or music will hit home someday.
Even so, I have a problem with the label of "Christian" because it implies something I do not wish to be part of. I recall a rather profound Sunday School discussion involving the quote from some famous person or other stating, "I like your Christ but not your Christians" or something to that effect. Or how about, "I would consider becoming a Christian if I actually met one".
Due to spending my entire summer reading book after book I have fallen in love with Donald Miller's straightforward writing and his profound way of presenting a huge idea in very simple form. Through his books I have come to realize that, while I was once a fundamentalist Christian, I no longer am. I'm not interested in regularity, I'm interested in the spirit and moving as He wills. I have friends who think if one does not pray regularly or wrestle with matters of spiritual warfare or read and study the Bible at any free moment then that person isn't a strong Christian.
This is a load of bull.
One does not have to constantly struggle or feel the pain of a relationship with Christ. While the closest I've ever been to Him all I felt was unspeakable joy. I did not read my Bible constantly, I don't pray as much as I'd like to (conversing with God is one of my favorite things sometimes) but I know what I believe and that it's true. The problem with most Christians today is the stick shoved up their butts about the "proper" way to do things, like those churches who ask people, oh so politely, to leave because they aren't in a suit or pearls. Stupid. Christ cares for more than that.
Getting down off my soapbox, I guess my point is that there's more to life and love and Christ than following a pattern. God calls us to be nonconformists, look at Jesus! He was probably the furthest from conformity a person has ever been!
My goal in writing wasn't to give a lecture about nonconformist Christianity. I just wanted to write. There really isn't anyone to talk to, I'm not interested in reading... the only thing that really appealed to me was to write. So I did. And now I'm done.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Inadequacy and Self-Deprication
Throughout all four of my years in college I was often left out. My sorority sisters would go out for someone's birthday and neglected to include me, other friends would take trips that I didn't know about until after the fact, etc. As a general rule I assumed that it was because these things were spur of the moment and really only included those who happened to be present. Living off campus meant I was never around for those spontaneous moments. The rare few times I merited an invitation were a shock to say the least, and naturally I accepted immediately. However, the other times left me feeling unwanted, as though I wasn't worthy of being a member of the group or memorable enough to be included. While I know now that is not true, at the time it very much injured my already low self-esteem.
As time went on I made myself believe it didn't matter, that spending time with those people wasn't actually that much fun and I was better off without it. Sometimes I would conclude, after an invitation was presented, that going hadn't actually been worth my time.
However, now that college is over and I have begun a new job where most of the people I work with are under the age of five I find myself craving someone to spend time with so that I can have a semi-intelligent conversation extending beyond the realm of "Don't eat yet, we haven't said grace, what songs do you know? Twinkle, twinkle little star..." Much to my surprise, a mere week after the college kids moved back into town I received a text begging for my help. This meant an entire evening not spent at home, so I went and had an amazing time. As luck would have it, on my walk up to the college I ran into another old friend who said she missed me and I immediately invited her to join me on a shopping spree where I intended to spend my first paycheck on much needed clothing. In one week I killed two birds with one stone, and that feeling was beyond words after the summer I'd endured.
This brings us to this past weekend. As I said before, I spent most of my four years feeling as though I didn't have a friend in the whole school and during the summer I had no friends at all that live in the area. Stuck in a tiny town with no car, no job, few prospects and no friends, a person can only feel trapped or exceptionally lonely. I felt both. However, over the weekend I received a text ordering me to join a visiting sorority sister at the house to play games. The invitation was a surprise but I was ecstatic to join and to have an excuse to buy a giant bag of Skittles. Once I had arrived and the game was over I reintroduced myself to the friend my sorority sister had brought with her. Asking him if he already knew who I was, he replied that he knew my first name, but was I THAT girl, the one with the amazing last name?
Yes, yes, I replied. That would be me.
Apparently I am a novelty in this guy's world and he asked for my phone number so that he could have my last name in his contacts (I am the only contact without a first name) and he befriended me on myspace and facebook all for the sake of proof that he knew someone with such an amazing last name. While I found this weird and slightly disturbing I was also highly flattered to think that I'm famous to someone. Not only so, but as I was leaving both of them invited me to join them the next day for dinner. Two nights in a row I was relieved of boredom and for once in my life I didn't think about how fat I felt, how broken out my face is, how uninteresting and ordinary I really am. For one weekend I was accepted. For one weekend I was wanted.
Before all of this began I remember praying to God. I prayed that he would help me, that I would find a way to resolve this issue, and his answer to my request was to give me two successive weekends full of fun and interesting things to do.
Of course, this doesn't solve all of my self-esteem problems... but it helps.
As time went on I made myself believe it didn't matter, that spending time with those people wasn't actually that much fun and I was better off without it. Sometimes I would conclude, after an invitation was presented, that going hadn't actually been worth my time.
However, now that college is over and I have begun a new job where most of the people I work with are under the age of five I find myself craving someone to spend time with so that I can have a semi-intelligent conversation extending beyond the realm of "Don't eat yet, we haven't said grace, what songs do you know? Twinkle, twinkle little star..." Much to my surprise, a mere week after the college kids moved back into town I received a text begging for my help. This meant an entire evening not spent at home, so I went and had an amazing time. As luck would have it, on my walk up to the college I ran into another old friend who said she missed me and I immediately invited her to join me on a shopping spree where I intended to spend my first paycheck on much needed clothing. In one week I killed two birds with one stone, and that feeling was beyond words after the summer I'd endured.
This brings us to this past weekend. As I said before, I spent most of my four years feeling as though I didn't have a friend in the whole school and during the summer I had no friends at all that live in the area. Stuck in a tiny town with no car, no job, few prospects and no friends, a person can only feel trapped or exceptionally lonely. I felt both. However, over the weekend I received a text ordering me to join a visiting sorority sister at the house to play games. The invitation was a surprise but I was ecstatic to join and to have an excuse to buy a giant bag of Skittles. Once I had arrived and the game was over I reintroduced myself to the friend my sorority sister had brought with her. Asking him if he already knew who I was, he replied that he knew my first name, but was I THAT girl, the one with the amazing last name?
Yes, yes, I replied. That would be me.
Apparently I am a novelty in this guy's world and he asked for my phone number so that he could have my last name in his contacts (I am the only contact without a first name) and he befriended me on myspace and facebook all for the sake of proof that he knew someone with such an amazing last name. While I found this weird and slightly disturbing I was also highly flattered to think that I'm famous to someone. Not only so, but as I was leaving both of them invited me to join them the next day for dinner. Two nights in a row I was relieved of boredom and for once in my life I didn't think about how fat I felt, how broken out my face is, how uninteresting and ordinary I really am. For one weekend I was accepted. For one weekend I was wanted.
Before all of this began I remember praying to God. I prayed that he would help me, that I would find a way to resolve this issue, and his answer to my request was to give me two successive weekends full of fun and interesting things to do.
Of course, this doesn't solve all of my self-esteem problems... but it helps.
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