It doesn't feel as though life should be complicated at this moment, considering every single one of my days is almost identical to the next: sleep, eat, exercise, work, sleep, repeat. Sometimes I'll change it up with a trip to Walmart, or by watching a movie. Lately I've been having video chat sessions with a new friend from Russia. But admist all of that is my whirring brain and broken heart, both carefully and meticulously hidden.
After my mom's final radiation treatment she and my dad took their dream vacation up to Mackinac Island off the coast of Michigan and stayed at The Grand Hotel for their anniversary weekend. 29 years. When they came back they went straight to Mom's oncologist for her CT scan or whatever scan she had. After five months of chemo and twenty-five sessions of radiation you'd think the cancer would be dead, right?
Wrong.
The tumors in her pelvis were marginally smaller, but the cancer spread to her lungs. What a low blow. So now she's starting new rounds of a different kind of chemo. We were informed that this type of cancer is incurable, that all we can hope for is remission. Mom has taken it upon herself to go on a strict all organic diet that apparently helped her brother in-law's cousin twelve years back when she had this type of cancer. She and I had a long talk about it yesterday when she came home from visiting her sister and was showing off her new shorts and shoes and she said she was afraid my sisters and I don't understand quite how serious this is.
I know exactly how serious this is.
People with uteran sarcoma tend to only live for 2 - 5 years after diagnosis.
I was aware that it wouldn't be long, but I didn't want to think about it, pushed it out of my head, because I refuse to let my mom die that soon. I REFUSE. She has to be there when I get married to keep me calm, to be there when I have kids to help me when I'm at my wits end! I need her wisdom, her love, and her baby skills! But all I can do is pray, and pray hard, that God see fit to heal her. I don't know if it's harder to watch someone die by inches knowing it's inevitable or for death to come suddenly and without warning. Either way, it's too soon. Much too soon.
I'm sorry I couldn't give a happier, more flippant and carefree post. There have been good things... VERY good things... but for now this is all I have.
