"I've been on the move for a year. Never stay in one place more than a week." ~Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.
If only.
One of my friends lives in the Philippines as a certified scuba instructor. My cousin once lived in the Virgin Islands working as first mate on a yacht. She now lives in Utah, rappelling and hiking and basically being made of awesome. Other friends studied abroad in Spain or Scotland. Others joined the military. So what's wrong with me?
"Think with me for a moment. How has life turned out differently from the way you thought it would?... How about your work, your place in the world - do you go to bed each night with a deep sense of having made a lasting contribution? Do you enjoy ongoing recognition for your unique successes? Are you even working in a field that fits you? Are you even working at all? Now, what if I told you that this is how it will always be, that this life as you now experience it will go on forever just as it is, without improvement of any kind? Your health will stay as it is, your finances will remain as they are, your relationships, your work, all of it. It is hell." ~John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire
It is rare now that a day goes by I don't ask God if my life is what it's supposed to be. John Eldredge writes that everyone has a secret desire, that desire for life as it was meant to be, and I believe that I desire for that life with more fervor than most. He claims that most of us don't think about it, we go through life forgetting that desire.
Not me.
Neal and I drove to New Haven today to a music store so I could find some new piano pieces. Before we even left, sitting in the car I asked if he was okay. He'd been a little quiet and preoccupied all day, and he tried to say nothing was wrong. He wasn't okay, but nothing was wrong. I wrung it out of him, finally, and he said I'd been very distant lately and that it bothers him because he believes it to be his fault. As we pulled into a Mobil station I made it very clear that it was not his fault at all, and as we drove down to New Haven words started falling out of my mouth. I'd held them in for far too long. I explained that it wasn't him, it's me. I know that line is cliche, but so true.
I am never satisfied. I have no ambition in life. I went into college with absolutely no idea what I would major in, and as I finished college I had no idea where to start looking for a job. Nothing seemed worthwhile or interesting and, living in a place like Southeastern Ohio, there's very little opportunity for anything adventurous beyond farming or business. As I worked at the preschool I dreamed of traveling Europe, visiting countries I had never seen and getting to know people who's language I couldn't speak and just constantly moving from place to place getting to know everyone and anyone until I finally realized who I was and the purpose I have in this life. I dreamed of getting married and having children, but I didn't want the suburban life. Therein posed a problem, the problem of being a nomad and traveling and yet also settling down to have a family and a husband and a life full of friends and fun and fellowship. I couldn't decide if I was a hippie or a city chick, a country girl or a hardcore feminist. Conservative or liberal. Single or taken. Content or not. Usually not. I lived with a passionate desire to be "anywhere but here", thinking that if I was somewhere else where I could be whomever I wanted to be, not "Ken's daughter" or "Erin/Jennie/Anne's sister", but once I got to anywhere but there and spent some time I realized that it still wasn't enough. I'm still not satisfied. I'm working a job in order to pay my bills and live my life and yet all I can wish for is to be somewhere else, to just pack up and leave it all behind. Deep down, in the lowest vestiges of my being, I'm a nomad. I'm here and then I'm not. I hate being trapped in a box. What do I fear?
"A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire" (The Two Towers).
What makes this hard is the emotional ties I have to the places I go. On one hand it's hard to leave, hard to let go for so many reasons that I couldn't possibly list them. On the other hand it's easy because, after awhile, the desire to leave overcomes the want to please everyone instead of following my heart. I don't want to spend my life wishing I'd done something different. I don't want to die wondering who I am, who I was supposed to be, who I could have been. No regrets.
If only.
