Count Your Blessings.

I feel like I get stupider with every passing day.

This feeling started back in 2008 when I started working at a preschool and was no longer around people with whom I could use words that were more than two syllables (unless I wanted to either impress or confuse them). It stopped for a bit when I worked for Verizon because I had to know SO much and talked to people on a regular basis and was able to write and read more often.

A couple of days ago I pulled out my old flash drives. The ones that only accept, like, 250MB of data that's how old they are. But on these flash drives are old school papers, the ones that I was really proud of like my senior seminar and the one paper I wrote for an advanced writing class, which my teacher decided he wanted to keep as an example for future students. Papers I could be proud of but, quite honestly, also papers I would most likely never ever use again for anything except for my three years later self to reread and think "My goodness was I good writer! What on earth happened?!?"

Just so y'all know, this is absolutely NOT a ploy to get you to compliment my writing. I'm not fishing for compliments here.

Lately I've been putting up with my job. I haven't enjoyed it. At all. It has even stressed me out at times and often makes me a not very nice person when I'm interrupted. And usually, the entire time I'm working, I'm thinking of all the possible jobs I could look for to get me out of it. I'll consider quitting and finding two part time jobs, ones that will allow me to walk around and not just sit at a desk in an uncomfortable chair giving myself major tendonitis and carpal tunnel for eight hours a day. I'll consider going back to school, applying for other clerking jobs that are most likely equally boring, substitute teaching, etc etc etc. However, when I go to look at the jobs I might actually like, I read the job description and immediately think to myself, "Wow. I am SO not qualified for that," or, "I could never get that job," or, "Why would they want me, every other person who applies probably has more experience and more brain power because I'm just stupid", or - enter your excuse of choice here - . Same goes for looking into school for any reason, from grad school to massage therapy school. I'll read the requirements and immediately put myself down, saying I'm not qualified, my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be, I could never do that, etc.

What's so pathetic is that I went to college. I went, and I did well and I graduated successfully with a perfectly respectable grade point average. So where did all of this negativity come from? I know I'm capable, but I don't FEEL capable. I know I have a brain, but it sure doesn't feel like I have a brain.

All I can think of to remedy this is to try harder at my job because, as much as I don't like it, I'm lucky to have such a good job in this economy, and I need to discipline myself to challenge my brain more. Stop watching TV and instead read a book. And not a young adult book that's an easy read or a book I've read before. I need to read a challenging book, like Moby Dick or Ten Thousand Leagues Under the Sea or Huckleberry Finn. Books that make me keep a dictionary on hand so I know exactly what has been said. Because maybe, just maybe, if I challenge my mind and make myself learn something more than an actor's background and trivia on IMBD, I can feel a little more confident.

So, in conclusion, today I am thankful that I grew up without internet or a cell phone so that I had to spend time being creative, reading, writing, or using my imagination playing with my next door neighbors deep in the wooded area behind our houses. I'm thankful that my parents wouldn't allow us to watch TV unless it was for something like the Olympics or a movie we'd all watch together so that I didn't fill my mind with worthless knowledge, like who is the hottest star and the weekly Hollywood divorce statistics. I'm thankful that they taught us to love reading and learning, and that my Dad works at a university so I was able to attend a good school and graduate without debt. In short, I'm thankful for my upbringing, a family that challenged me, and parents who made me whom I am today: a perfectly capable, adequately intelligent, occasionally creative imperfect person. :)

Round is a shape...

Okay kids. This is the second time I've had to pause this workout vid from The Firm. I am dripping sweat and exhausted and there's still more to go. I have successfully made it through this thing without stopping many times before. It's time to get pro active, and I don't mean the acne wash...

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