"I'll give you stars and the moon and a soul to guide you
And a promise I'll never go
I'll give you hope to bring out all the life inside you
And the strength that will help you grow.
I'll give you truth and a future that's twenty times better
Than any Hollywood plot."
I've been unemployed for a week now. After my glorious vacation I went back to work on Friday of last week and the moment I got there I started to cry and actually went outside to sob behind a tree for half an hour. I talked to a supervisor and went over to HR and quit, effective immediately. The immediately part was their idea. So now I've been home in my apartment for a week now, pretty much bored out of my mind, searching and applying for job after job back in the midwest. I doubt I'll find anything before I pack up and move, since I have to do so before the 1st of November.
But the weather is gorgeous. I love fall, the color, the smell, the feel in the air... It leaves me with a longing for the place I belong, where ever that may be. I've slowly come to realize that the reason I'm not content with any of the worlds I've been part of is because I still haven't found my niche. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know where i want to live, who I want to be with and around, the kind of people who make me feel the most wanted... I just don't know. I do know that I want to do something I love instead of what's convenient. And when I think about what I want to do, the first thing that comes to mind is wanting to build sets for Hollywood films. I watch the features for movies such as Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean and think to myself, wow. I want to learn to design and build like that, I want to work with my hands and make something amazing, to be part of team that gets to build and create and paint and sculpt... I wish I'd majored in Theater and then gone on to grad school like my theater professor to learn everything I can about sets and painting and building and designing. I hate business and customer relations and anything that requires me to dress up in a suit. Give me jeans and a ratty t-shirt and a paintbrush/electric drill combo. I hate driving and parks that have trees surrounded by mulch and building developments with houses that look the same. Give me a log cabin in the woods with nature all around me. For once I know what I want... and the question is, will I get it? Will I ever be content with who and where I am? With what I do? Will I ever have friends whom I enjoy being around and who like having me around too? Will I ever find my place in life, the place I'm always searching for? I like to think so, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Most of the time it doesn't feel that way. And maybe, just maybe, God put me in this place to help me realize that what I was searching for wasn't what I'm supposed to be searching for, to teach me that the adventure I always wanted wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Maybe.
Maybe I should start looking at grad schools and see what I can find...
