Every day all of this gets harder. Today Mom was bathed by the hospice nurse, which was nice, and she seemed a little like herself during that, but there is a marked difference between Lynn Blood now and the Lynn Blood of yesterday. After her cleaning we put a sleeveless shirt on her. BIG mistake. Every bone in her upper body is visible. You can count every rib, see where her collarbones attach to her shoulders. Her pain continues to get worse and we have had to give her liquid morphine many, many times in the past 24 hours. Dad, Jennie, Anne and I have been sleeping in the family room with her every night for the past week ever since Erin left, and I know that I personally have had no more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep each night.
The drugs that are supposedly making Mom comfortable have completely screwed with her mind. She has moments when she knows what's going on, she knows the names of the people around her. Often she'll have a decent conversation with Dad, but only in the morning. The longer the day goes the less she is herself. She's become slightly belligerent and even the tiniest bit aggressive. As I watch her continually get worse and worse all I can think is that this woman is not my mother. Oh she's somewhere in there, but she can't escape. She's trapped in a cage of pain, cancer and morphine. And my heart breaks and part of me dies with each and every passing day, every time she asks for a name, wants to know where Anne is in the lineup of her daughters... she suddenly sat up this morning when Dad was off teaching a class and Jennie was helping her get out of bed because we thought she needed to go to the bathroom. But as she was standing she looked around and said "I don't understand what I'm doing." The only time she was most herself today was when one of the cats was scraping its claws on the side of the old couch and mom said, "Hey!" and clapped her hands three times. A very Mom thing to do.
I think as this goes on, as we get closer and closer to the end, there will be less to say. She gets worse. It gets harder. And our hearts break because that beautiful woman we all know and love isn't there anymore and we won't see her again for a very long time. My mind is filled with memories even of just talking to her last week. A week ago today, around 10pm, she was lying on this new hospital bed with Anne next to her chatting about baby names with Erin and telling a great story about when Erin was little and her imaginary band made of imaginary friends that helped her sing her Bible songs before bedtime. Now, a week later, only a week, she's so confused that she had to ask Aunt Kim what Kim's name was.
I wish I could give you a fun anecdote to make you smile. I wish I could tell you that God will heal her. I wish I could say she wasn't going to die after all. I wish I could say I've made my peace with God. This is so hard for all of us, but I can't even begin to imagine what it feels like for Mom. I can't imagine what it's like to see the people I love and not be able to talk to them, to sleep all day long and be overwhelmed by pain. I feel guilty bringing any food downstairs to where her bed is because I know she can't have it and I don't want to show off the fact that I can.
All I know is that I never, EVER want to go through this kind of pain again.
As usual, thank you all for your prayers. I'm so glad that you follow my blog, but I'm always reminded of the fact that you're not following it because I'm a fabulous writer. You're following it because of your love for the woman I write about, a woman I am proud to call my Mom.
8 comments:
Emily-
Thanky you for writing about your hardest days.
My oldest has Autism. She also has extra genetic mateial on her 22nd chromosome. It is not a life ending diagnosis but it is definetely a life altering diagnosis. L's life and our life is definteley harder because she has Autism. it does not benefit her.
I think the hardest time in my life was shortly after she was diagnosed and I continuily asked God to heal her. I mean, He is the God of the universe. Chromosomes are nothing for Him. That was 3 years ago. I still believe that He can heal. However, the answers to my prayers have been NO.
It has been the very first time that I've desperately wanted something and He has no. It is so easy to worship and obey when God says yes. But no can be a different story.
But He is still God and I am not even when He says No.
Love and praying for you.
Emily -
Polly has been posting the links to your updates. I read the 3d one first, then went back and read the first 2.
My heart goes out to all of you as you go through the hell of watching someone you love die. The day by day changes toward the end - the visible difference you describe betw last wk when your mother was talking, and today when she's in such pain and has to ask names is brutal.
I read your posts partly becs I know Polly, partly becs I've become concerned for all of you, but yes I do read them because of your writing. You articulate the pain of the situation _so_ well. I sat by helpless as each of my parents died, one quickly, the other drawn out. I wdn't look for your updates the way I do if you weren't a good writer, I'd wait for Polly to post that your mother had died.
It probably will take some time bef you "make peace with God." In the meantime, follow David's example in Psalms and let yourself rant and rave at Him. He can take it, and you'll make peace sooner if you don't cover up your pain and anger that she didn't get better.
w/ prayers,
Sally
I agree with Kristin. He is still God, even when He says no. Even when that leaves you crying out, "WHY?" there is comfort in knowing that you are crying out to an awesome God who loves you.
Isaiah 25
Praise to the LORD
1 LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.
...
7 On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;
8 he will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.
9 In that day they will say,
“Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”
------------
I am so sorry your family has to watch your mom's homecoming. My grandma has always felt more at peace when she goes to the house where her kids or grandkids have moved. She just likes to see where we live; if she can picture us in our new house, even when we are miles away, she feels close to us. We can't see heaven, but we can read about it and our Lord's mercy and goodness, and maybe in picturing Jesus preparing your mom's new home, you can find more peace that even though she isn't with you, she's got a pretty cool house.
Thank you for sharing these updates, you really put your heart into your writing. I hope you keep up with it.
This quote came to me last night, maybe it's cheesy but I've always liked it and wanted to share... from Return of the King:
Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf? See what?
Gandalf: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf: No... No it isn't.
Emily,
I taught at Frazeysburg with your mom. She and I did Camp Ohio together. I remember being in the woods waiting for kids and talking to your mom about our families. She loves you so much! I remember doing a cookie exchange with her and her delicious cookies! I taught special ed. and she taught the gifted but we both loved children even though they were at the opposite ends of the scale. We both had lunch duty and bus duty which were not our favorite things to do!
My prayers are with your family and your mom. My mom died on my couch and although it was very hard she is in a better place and free from pain and a crippled body.
God is with you, Bev LeMaster
Emily,
Your mother is an amazing lady and a wonderful friend.We spent many happy days together at Frazeysburg Intermediate and at Camp Ohio talking, laughing and sharing. She is an inspiration to me and kept encouraging me to finish my Masters when I didn't think I could go on. She is a big reason I am a Special Education teacher today. I always keep the angel she gave me when my mother died on my desk at school. She is a dear caring friend.
She is truly blessed to have daughters like you to tell her story and celebrate her life even though you, too, are in pain.
Please give her a gentle hug for me.
"May the Lord bless and protect you; may the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you; may he be gracious to you, show his favor, and give you his peace."
Numbers 6:24-26
Bless you and and your family,
Terri Oakley
Emily,
Your mother is an amazing lady and a wonderful friend.We spent many happy days together at Frazeysburg Intermediate and at Camp Ohio talking, laughing and sharing. She is an inspiration to me and kept encouraging me to finish my Masters when I didn't think I could go on. She is a big reason I am a Special Education teacher today. I always keep the angel she gave me when my mother died on my desk at school. She is a dear caring friend.
She is truly blessed to have daughters like you to tell her story and celebrate her life even though you, too, are in pain.
Please give her a gentle hug for me.
"May the Lord bless and protect you; may the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you; may he be gracious to you, show his favor, and give you his peace."
Numbers 6:24-26
Bless you and and your family,
Terri Oakley
Emily,
Know that God never gives us more than we can handle. I know they seem like empty words now. You are overcome with all the pain and suffering your mom is going through. You and your family as well are so weary and stressed. Do not despair.The very hairs of your head are numbered.Our mighty Lord and God has a special plan for all His children to bring them home to Him. Lean on Him for He alone is our
strength. He knows you, your mom and all who love him He will bring us all home to Him. In Prayer Ginger
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