Thoughts About Life and My Mom

Ever since my mom died Dad has been writing notes on Facebook about his history with her, explaining how she was the final key person to bring him to the Lord and helped him become the man he is today. He writes about how influential she was to him, what a great person she was, her faith and her ability to teach with passion and understanding, and the more I read about it the more like a failure I feel. I am nothing like my mother, and I know that no one can say anything about me like Dad has said about her.

I know that might seem selfish, but it's also a longing. How much would I love to be that kind of person, to be loving and caring, to be so sure of my faith? Instead I am a big screw up who wishes her life was worth more and meant more. Every day I sit here doing my work, trying to do my job well, all the while thinking that it's so completely pointless. How does keying insurance claims bring glory to Jesus? Really, how does it? How does moving to Cincinnati constitute adventure? Is this really what my life is going to be like? I feel like a broken record because I discuss and wonder about this all the time, so much so that sometimes I leave other people in the dust feeling useless and unneeded without meaning to. I pray all the time that God will mold me and use me, like that song Potter's Hands my church used to sing all the time. "I give my life to the Potter's hands". I just hope He gives me answers soon.

It would really help things kind of a lot if life wasn't so darn complicated.

Sorry, I just needed to vent.

Tonight will be an epic night of skating (and teaching a friend to skate... what ho, good times!), tomorrow morning will be a lovely breakfast with a good friend and a noon appointment to get my ears candled (sounds medieval, I know, but believe me it's necessary and helpful), an afternoon with my family which will most likely be spent discussing tux options with my younger sister as a hopeful attempt at being a good maid of honor, and then the remainder of the weekend will be spent with my Johnny. He plans to teach me to shoot a gun, the tomboy in me is really super excited about it! Then, on Monday, I get to go back into the office finally!

Here's hoping all of you, my dear friends, have a lovely weekend!