We sit here and listen to her breathe. Sometimes she'll snore. Sometimes she'll just stop breathing for a good long while. She only breathes seven times in a minute. A moment ago everyone was crowded around her bed holding her hand, brushing her hair from her face, just waiting. Waiting. Listening to her breathe.
She had a restless day, and it wasn't till around 7:30pm that she finally really slept. She was due for her medicine around 8 but Dad was reluctant to wake her after she finally got to sleep. Now it's closing in on 10:30. She coughed a moment ago.
I keep getting messages from people who read my blog, telling me how much they admire my strength. Well, I appreciate that, but I'm going to let you in on a secret: I'm only strong because I really don't actually believe she's going to die. Most of the time I just think she's very sick but that she'll get better so I just don't worry about it and life goes on. I drove with Johnny to Cincinnati and back today just to get checks to pay my bills. We were gone almost the whole day. It was easy to forget, being so far away from the reality of my life right now. I laughed, I joked, I checked my mail. I just can't imagine life without Mom being in it, so I allow myself to believe she'll always be in it even though my rational self knows better. When she's actually gone I will most likely fall apart. The lies I've been telling myself will come to light, and my crystal castle will come crashing down around me, and my heart will break. So that strength is really an illusion, a wall set up to mask my pain.
As it is, she's still here, barely. Time grows increasingly shorter. We prepare for another restless night on the floor. And we wait.
6 comments:
Hey Emily-
It's God's strength that is carrying your family and you during this time. Let God be your strength when you feel the weakest, because He will carry you 1000x's further than you could ever go.
Lots of love and prayers to you and your family, especially your mom during this time!!!
Fontaine
I check your facebook every day several times a day to get your blog update. I have read every word from Update 1. You have shed so much light on your reality and the raw truth of the end of a loved one's life. I had this picture of ease when hospice is involved and I honestly thank you for being real about your truth and even your secret disbelief. I don't know your mom, but after reading so much about her in these last days, I wish I did. I know and love you and I'm sure I would love her just as much. I am up for coffee anytime you are. I just haven't wanted to pull you away when you may be needed. So I'm here when you're ready! Love you!
Sigh... Just praying for you, sis.
Hello Emily -
I have taught with your mother for many years. We have had many discussions about many things, but I never saw her shine brighter then when she was sharing about her family. She has been very blessed to have had all of you to bring her much joy and happiness.
Thank you for sharing this time with those of us who also care about your mother. Her singing "How Beautiful" is absolutely breathtaking. I am glad you figured out how to share this and look forward to more of the same if you are moved to do so. What a wonderful way to honor a wonderful person.
God Bless You All!
emily, my heart continue to go out for you and your family. from reading i have gathered that your mom is a wonderful person. i can't imagine the journey you are being faced with, but you're an inspiration to all of us who will face the same battles someday. whenever that may be. i will continue to pray and continue to read along with you on this journey. lots of prayers.
lindsey.
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