First round of calling hours. Some tears, but a lot of smiles actually, considering the reason we were gathering. But to me the reason isn't because Mom is dead and we're mourning her, though that is mostly the case. It's more that she's not in pain anymore and she's with Jesus and we'll see her again and really, honestly, I'm comforted by that fact. Last week she was here but she wasn't here, and this week she isn't here but she IS.
One good friend came through the line with caffeine free hot chocolate just for me! A whole box! I am currently drinking some right now and very, very excited about it. One of Mom's coworkers came through with another coworker and she was wearing this lovely grey and purple scarf. I asked if I could see it closer, because it looked a lot like three scarves twirled together somehow and she noticed it matched my outfit and then took it off, put it on me and told me to keep it! I spent five minutes trying to figure out if she was serious. Turns out, she was. The scarf now hangs with my jacket in the upstairs closet.
Many of the guests this evening were people I recognized from past activities or family gatherings and, inevitably, they would ask me about what I was doing now and I'm like, "Oh, I live in Cincinnati and I process insurance claims for a living." And the moment I said "insurance" their eyes glazed over. Yes, everyone. I know it's boring, but until I figure out my path in life it's nice to make money and live out in the world on my own. Well, on my own for the next few months until I get married and Johnny and I decide where we want to be.
Do you ever feel like you're at a bit of a dead end? For a few years now, ever since right before I graduated college, I've had this overwhelming feeling that I'm meant to do something incredible for Jesus. What that is, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not to stay where I am and work insurance for the rest of my life. I am one of those unlucky people who was blessed with incurable wanderlust and yet haven't really gone anywhere. I always want to go, I want to travel, and the few times I've really traveled it was for far too short a time and for a specific reason. Like a wedding, for example.
Johnny and I had a long discussion about this the other day, about how he also wants to travel, though for him it isn't an incessant longing that has lingered for years on end like me. So many times recently have I daydreamed about just selling everything I own except for a small suitcase of clothes and just taking off. Travel the country until I run out of money, find a part time job and a place to crash and work till I save enough to move on to the next place and just get to know people and learn their story and be part of their lives for a short while. The life of a vagabond. I have a friend who did something similar, only he did this to teach SCUBA overseas in such places as Indonesia and New Zealand. I am incredibly jealous of the odyssey he's on.
More than anything I'm terrified of ending up a typical suburban Mom, with three kids and a husband who works 8-5 and soccer practices and carpooling and all of those normal, everyday things. I'm not saying that life isn't great, that's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that I never want my life to be ordinary and I'm terrified that's what it will become.
I don't know, I'm really just rambling. Hope you don't mind. :)
7 comments:
Ramble on! Take the time to travel while you can - check out some National Parks (Yellowstone and Bryce Canyon are on my list of favorites!).
Glad to hear that there is much love coming to you all at calling hours. My youngest brother passed away about 2.5 years ago - I got the comment from a friend that "they had never been to such a happy funeral". We wanted as a family to remember and share our happy memories as a way to remember and honor my brother's life. It was amazing to see all of the people he touched in his short time on Earth - I am sure that you have a similar experience with all those that your mom touched with her life!
I also wanted to say thank you for being part of my inspiration to start blogging myself. It appears that it is a much needed tool for stress relief and contemplation.
Sending prayers,
Erin
Sounds like you need an adventure. Do it! After college I always talked about traveling like a gypsy, without a plan, just going wherever the wind took me - but look at me now! Being a mom is great, but you should act on that wanderlust before it's too late.
I know that my kids are meant to do something big, and it's my job to prepare them. I have a feeling your mom knew that about you as well.
We are hoping to come today but the weather may be against us.
I found something for you. A girl from our church did this last year and spoke about it in a sermon a few weeks ago.
http://www.theworldrace.org/
Always remember, you can do extraoridanry things while living an ordinary life. Bob and I do that every day.
Hi Emily. You don't know me. I worked with your mom at Adamsville. I've been reading your blog over the last three weeks - thank you again for sharing.
I feel led to encourage you to write the book. Your writing is beautiful and compelling. I can imagine a book that begins similar to "and one was beautiful," then bounces back and forth between childhood memories and your experience the last few weeks -- a fictionalized account. I can see others reading it and feeling comforted, encouraged, and inspired. Maybe that is your mother's gift/legacy to you.
Anyway, I would buy your book.
The memorial service today was beautiful. We'll see her again in Glory someday.
@ Erin: I definitely think funerals are a tribute to how a person lived, and how amazing is that?? I'm so glad that my blog has inspired you, thank you so much for that compliment, and I'd love to read yours if you give me the link!
@ Shellie: I NEED an adventure, but there's really no way to go on one right now considering the need to work and that I'll be saving my vaca time for a honeymoon... but Johnny and I will try. :)
@ Kristin: it was great to see you and Bob and the kids! I will definitely check out that link! I haven't yet, but just the URL makes it sound amazing...
@ Ramsey2u: thank you for the encouragement. I have lots of research to do, and after that lots of writing if I'm going to write any semblance of a book. I'd love to do it, but I've tried writing books in the past and never really finished them... but maybe this time it'll work out. Thanks in advance for buying it. ;)
Hi Emily - I came to your site from SCL. Praying for you and your dad and whole family/church as you've just had a birthday and are planning a wedding without your mom. But with her, as you said. If you'll allow a Mom of girls in your generation a word: don't fear the "ordinary" - many of us have had it both (or more) ways, and truly "ordinary" is in our heads. EXTRAordinary is in the eye of the interpreter, if you get what I mean. He will indeed direct your paths - and whenever we are able to let go of our own definitions and preferences - it's extraordinary :)
Hi Emily - I came to your site from SCL. Praying for you and your dad and whole family/church as you've just had a birthday and are planning a wedding without your mom. But with her, as you said. If you'll allow a Mom of girls in your generation a word: don't fear the "ordinary" - many of us have had it both (or more) ways, and truly "ordinary" is in our heads. EXTRAordinary is in the eye of the interpreter, if you get what I mean. He will indeed direct your paths - and whenever we are able to let go of our own definitions and preferences - it's extraordinary :)
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