Really?? You too?!?

Last Saturday I had the wonderful fortune of spending the late evening with friends eating gourmet food at the local Steak-N-Shake and after finishing a short conversation with one of the guys I tuned into the girls to discover they were discussing blogs. As the writer of a blog I joined in eagerly.



One of the other girls also writes a blog, one that I had read previously, especially to find out the particulars of the engagement to her now-husband. I stopped reading her blog because a) she stopped writing one and b) I had the overwhelming feeling that her life was significantly better and more interesting than my own. I told her that, and was subsequently floored when it turns out that she stopped reading blogs altogether for awhile because she felt the same way! This girl who is happily married to an amazing Christian man, holds a position as an admissions counselor at the local university, attends a local church at which she has many good friends, and a million other little things believes her life to be just as boring as mine, a single 24-yr old girl still living with her parents working a temporary job adjusting insurance claims with no close friends within a hundred miles.



It's amazing how easy it is to prefer someone else's life because we're so accustomed to our own.



For a long time I have believed that if I moved somewhere else, got a different job, attended a different church, that suddenly my life would take on some meaning. That I would find a group of Christian friends I could spend time with, have a successful career doing something I enjoy, that living in a city instead of a very small town in the middle of Nowhere, Ohio, would give me more opportunity to discover myself.



And perhaps it will, once I find the right place.



Moving to CT didn't do it for me. I did find friends, but only a small handfull of them were Christians, and most of the time I was with Neal hanging in my apartment watching Law & Order SVU, the only TV show worth watching before 3pm. Back here in my parent's house I spend the entire morning alone, entertaining myself, often working out and then weighing myself so I can marvel at the fact that I weigh six pounds less now than I did this time last year and then nursing my poor bum knee.



It's a lonely existence.


photo from weheartit.com

Dreams of Change

I actually really wish I was going back to school this fall.

Ever since I was a kid, fall meant the annual ritual of learning new teachers and schedules and possibly making new friends and wearing new clothes and getting a new haircut and with it came the ever present feeling of major change.

And even now, three years since my last first day of school, fall brings with it that feeling, a feeling that I both love and hate.

I love the feeling because it grants me excess inspiration to put towards drawings or writings, etc, and I hate the feeling because it boils up my wanderlust and gets it moving and antsy. Having the feeling of change without actual change to accompany it, only the longing, is enough to drive a body crazy with cabin fever.

That being said, there are a few things I wish were happening this fall:

1. I wish I had a reason to buy school supplies. I have no plans to go back to school and I have no children. Therefore, no reason for school supplies *sigh*

2. I wish I were taking some kind of trip to a new place and meeting some new people and having awesome adventures. Once upon a sorority formal I was voted Most Likely To Go On An Adventure. Can't wait to feel like I've actually embarked.

3. I wish to free the genie, because I actually can't think of a third wish.

I also just love the smell of fall, the activities of fall (um, pumpkin carving, hello), the fall holidays (Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc), the food of fall (especially hot appled cider!) and most of all the colors of fall.

It's my most favoritest time of year, and I cannot wait for it to start!

PLEASE don't send me to Africa!

I go to church every Sunday (except for the ones when I visit my best friend because she attends church on Monday) and for the past three weeks each and every sermon I have heard is about missions.

Week 1: Village Vineyard in Columbus where their pastor, Josh, gave a message called Go, Give, Get. The idea is that you GO to people/places, you GIVE Jesus to them, and you GET exponentially what you gave so you have more to give later. Simple, fun, meaningful message.

Week 2: A church in Canton South that has the word "Zion" in the name, but I can't remember the name exactly right now, where a guest missionary currently serving in Bolivia told stories about his experiences in the various countries he has been to and then played the saw most beautifully.

Week 3: Friendship Baptist Church in New Concord, my home church, where our associate pastor spoke about his recent trip to Cairo, IL, with his oldest daughter.

To add to this madness, I recently purchased and began reading Red Moon Rising by Pete Greig. He writes about his experiences in England working for a crazy awesome church but feeling as though he was settling. He got restless. God had a bigger vision. So he and his wife and their son took off and drove all over Europe, visiting churches and the location for a 125 year prayer meeting and giving flowers and chocolates to prostitutes while telling them Jesus loves them and a myriad of other things that all eventually lead into him beginning the 24/7 Prayer movement that has swept the world. And as I read about these adventures and what God did with this quiet, unlikely candidate for such an amazing mission all I could think was, This man is doing everything I've always thought of doing. I want to travel Europe, meeting people and making friends and contacts and getting to know them, etc, and for the past two years I have felt that God has bigger plans for me.

I'm a restless spirit. It's hard for me to settle, and I know that if I were to settle into a normal, middle class American suburban lifestyle that I would go insane with boredom. And as I began to read that book and after three weeks of nothing but sermons about missions I'm afeared that God wants me to be a missionary.

Not that being a missionary is such a bad thing. I just know myself, and I know that I'm not exactly the best of witnesses and I hate initiative evangelism with so much passion and this would mean extensive prayer, yet another epic fail of mine. Then again, just as I wrote that I'm hearing Moses' excuses when God told him to be an Israelite HE-RO and God used him anyway.

And there's always that chance I'm interpreting this all wrong.

We shall see.

Playing Catch... Up

Whoa. It's been awhile! And so much has happened!

June is WAY over, and July is quickly shutting down. I taught VBS, got tan, lost a good five pounds, took yet another trip to CT, started dating an old friend from college *grin!*, and a bajillion other things that I can't quite think of at the moment.

Let's start at the beginning: I taught VBS. And it was a blasty-blast. Ok, so, I didn't actually teach, I was a helper, but I did teach the kids old favorite songs of mine like The B-I-B-L-E, Inright Outright Upright Downright, Do Your Ears Hang Low, and Father Abraham. And as I was helping with the Kindergarteners, they loved it. Oddly enough, one of the girls in my class is the daughter of a woman who baby-sat me when I was in K, and my mom baby-sat her. Nice long line of babysitters and teachers. One of the other girls in the class has a form of autism, and she was a handful but could be sweet sometimes. The major upside was it made the week go by faster.

After VBS every day I went down to SunnySide and got myself a bought tan. It was worth it.

In order to make my days a little less boring and a lot less lazy I force myself to do something active. My favorite is The Firm workout videos, either Total Body Toner or Total Body Time-Crunch, both of which are ridiculously hard in their own ways and which have helped me tone and strengthen and lose weight, not that I was trying to. When I'm active but still eating correctly I tend to plateau at 123 lbs. So one morning I hopped on the scale for funsies (I don't like to weigh myself, since it's just a number and how you look and feel is really all that matters) and thought as I waited "Ugh, I'll bet I gained back". Then i looked down and saw the scale flash "121.6" in bright red digital numbers. No complaining here! Of course, then i went on vacation and all I was able to do was run on the boardwalk, but as my bum knee protested loudly, I only went once and am currently feeling very out of shape.

Yes, we did go on vacation! I talked Lux into letting me off the hook for a week (no paycheck this Friday... bugger.) and followed my Dad in my car with my little sister and "Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging" on CD all the way to Old Lyme, CT. No crazy snow, no horrible car accidents, and, most of all, no memoribilia of either hanging around to remind me. I bought a ton of cheap books, we ate a lot of food, went to Rhode Island to watch the Paw Sox, hung out with relatives, met some of my dad's old high school buddies, went swimming, nursed my poor sad knee, got ice cream, went mini golfing where I got a hole-in-one on the last hole and won a free game, and took my little sister with me to a bar to meet up with my old VZW friends. Earlier in the week I'd gotten together with Neal while my fam did... something else, i have no idea where they went... which was a little strange now that I have my new BF and Neal is seeing someone new as well.

Speaking of which! Happy, Happy news! On June 13th I began dating someone I've known all the way through college and still kept in vague touch with afterwards. His name is Johnny, and he's been there the whole time and yet I never thought twice about him. As my tendency is to date brand new people that I haven't known long it's a little strange to be with an old friend. There is picture proof that he and I were at many of the same events but did not interact for some reason. Our friendship was mostly him telling me his girl problems and seeking advice or going out with a group to Bdubs in Zville for wings. Neither of us knows how we got each other's phone numbers or how we became friends. But no matter. Sometime in May he and I met up to see Iron Man 2 and get some food and we ended up having a world-class time and agreed to get together again soon. We did get together, had another amazing time, nicknamed each other Bonnie and Clyde, began texting a lot, got together again a week later, and decided it wasn't worth it to beat around the bush anymore and took the plunge! Now, a month and a bit later, we still believe this was the best decision we ever made. And apparently we're a hot topic because everyone we're both friends with from college has discussed us at length. :D

Like I said, there have been a million other things (most of them having to do with Johnny, the aforementioned new BF) but I won't bore you with those details.



Ciao!!

C'est la Vie

Life has gotten.... complicated.

It doesn't feel as though life should be complicated at this moment, considering every single one of my days is almost identical to the next: sleep, eat, exercise, work, sleep, repeat. Sometimes I'll change it up with a trip to Walmart, or by watching a movie. Lately I've been having video chat sessions with a new friend from Russia. But admist all of that is my whirring brain and broken heart, both carefully and meticulously hidden.

After my mom's final radiation treatment she and my dad took their dream vacation up to Mackinac Island off the coast of Michigan and stayed at The Grand Hotel for their anniversary weekend. 29 years. When they came back they went straight to Mom's oncologist for her CT scan or whatever scan she had. After five months of chemo and twenty-five sessions of radiation you'd think the cancer would be dead, right?

Wrong.

The tumors in her pelvis were marginally smaller, but the cancer spread to her lungs. What a low blow. So now she's starting new rounds of a different kind of chemo. We were informed that this type of cancer is incurable, that all we can hope for is remission. Mom has taken it upon herself to go on a strict all organic diet that apparently helped her brother in-law's cousin twelve years back when she had this type of cancer. She and I had a long talk about it yesterday when she came home from visiting her sister and was showing off her new shorts and shoes and she said she was afraid my sisters and I don't understand quite how serious this is.

I know exactly how serious this is.

People with uteran sarcoma tend to only live for 2 - 5 years after diagnosis.

I was aware that it wouldn't be long, but I didn't want to think about it, pushed it out of my head, because I refuse to let my mom die that soon. I REFUSE. She has to be there when I get married to keep me calm, to be there when I have kids to help me when I'm at my wits end! I need her wisdom, her love, and her baby skills! But all I can do is pray, and pray hard, that God see fit to heal her. I don't know if it's harder to watch someone die by inches knowing it's inevitable or for death to come suddenly and without warning. Either way, it's too soon. Much too soon.

I'm sorry I couldn't give a happier, more flippant and carefree post. There have been good things... VERY good things... but for now this is all I have.

Beautiful day :DD

Today has got to be the most gorgeous day, and to celebrate I walked downtown to take myself out for lunch!

I live in the cutest little most boring town to ever exist. However, this is probably the most popular joint in town.




The name is a little dorky, but just go with it.

So I took myself here for lunch and got grilled cheese with their house chips, a chocolate dessert that I couldn't eat and a 3 Berry smoothie, all of which I ate while sitting outside in the absolutely gorgeous weather.



Mmmm Mmmm good...


It really is just the most beautiful day.

I then walked around town taking pictures of its cuteness. John's Barbershop is probably my favorite. He'll be back at 1. ;)



Peace, love and unicorns. :)

Red Umbrellas

It rained today, a lovely spring rain, and when I finally got home and was able to enjoy sitting inside and listen to it fall gently on the roof I looked up pictures of and fell in love with red umbrellas.





It reminds me of that photographer who captures children wearing various different outfits from decades long before they were thought of and the picture is entirely black and white except for a rose. Or her lips. Or his bandana. I don't know what it is, but something about these pictures captures my attention, touches my heart, I'm captivated.





There's just something about today. I feel... Light. Alive. Free. I laughed today, really laughed. And I'm glad, because I haven't felt this way for awhile. For once I don't have to be doing something, to be with somebody... I can just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling and dream big dreams and think deep thoughts and talk face to face with Jesus, the only man in this world who will never let me down or make me feel like I'm less than amazing.

Yesterday I took a trip to Columbus to pick up my bridesmaid dress, and since that only takes about five minutes after the hour long drive it didn't make sense to come straight home so instead I took myself out to the Easton mall for a day with my good friends Barnes and Noble. Ever heard of them? They're kind of a big deal. And we spent a good long time checking out books and I bought one of the best books I have ever read.



This book is about "Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the 'this' and spirituality is the 'that'. To make sense of one, we have to explore the other."

I pored over this book, bought it five minutes after I found it, and sat down in the Starbucks area to read it. It wasn't long before I came to chapter six: worth dying for, and read exactly what I needed to hear:

"Do you realize? You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men."

Holy. Crap.

Thank heaven for Sex God and Red Umbrellas.