My mom loves to sing and act but hates to slow dance because it makes her dizzy. She has three sisters, is blind-as-a-bat without her glasses, has dyed her hair for as long as I can remember, and is always concerned about her weight.
She has an identical twin, spent an entire semester of college in Wales, and got engaged to my dad four weeks after they started dating.
She's a teacher, loves to read and play games, and one of her favorite movies of all time is Somewhere in Time. So much so, in fact, that she and my dad spent a few days at The Grand Hotel early last summer. This May they will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.
She is also the most loving, caring, giving, kind, faithful, Godly, beautiful person I have ever known.
And she has cancer.
A really, really nasty cancer.
The week before Christmas mom went to the hospital to have fluid removed from her body, as it was creating pressure and causing her a lot of pain and discomfort. In order to do this they have to do an ultrasound to find where the water is. So the technician starts to do her thing and suddenly stops, goes to the nurse and whispers. The nurse found the doctor, who came back and looked at the screen. They then turned it and showed the screen to my mom.
Her entire abdomen is completely full of tumors. There is at least one that is the size of a football. So the ridiculously expensive drug they had her on did nothing at all to help, and she was given three choices: palliative (sp?) care, where she's just made comfortable and no treatments are given, some other drug that's similar to the expensive one that didn't work, or go to the hospital once every three weeks for six days for consistent sessions of chemo. The side effects for the last option are not pretty, and it'd be inpatient, which she hasn't done before.
She chose option number three, and goes into the hospital this Thursday for the first round.
I went home this weekend for New Year's, to spend it with Johnny and to see my family, and before I left for Canton on New Year's Eve Mom and Dad sat the three of us down and laid everything open and bare. They told us the option she chose.
They also told us that this option will not cure her. All it might do is buy her some time.
And according to the doctor, his best guess is that she won't make it to the summer.
She hopes she'll be able to be at Anne's wedding, which is on May 28th. But it's doubtful she'll make it to mine.
And all I can think is that this isn't fair. Why MY mom? Why NOW? Why not in a few years when we're all married and have grandchildren who get to meet their grandmother and get to know her? Why did this all have to happen after I moved, first to Connecticut and now to Cincinnati? I'm far away, and gas went up to $3.19/gallon and I have to work so I can't be home. I asked Johnny to please not be mad if I don't go up to Canton anytime soon.
But then I realize that I'm being selfish. That God has a reason for this, and just because I don't know what it is doesn't mean it's bad. And then I wonder what God wants to teach me through this, if He's doing this to prove a point, but then I realize that it's not all about me. God doesn't allow people to die to teach one single person a lesson. Through this illness He has strengthened my mother beyond all reckoning, He has tested my father, and He has given my sisters and me and every other person my mom comes in contact with a strong, faithful woman to lead us and comfort us and be an example of faith and peace and joy. I mean, when she told the extended family the bad news on Christmas she said she felt bad because she was ruining our Christmas!
Mom, it's not OUR Christmas we're concerned about right now. Not even close.
In some ways it's all so hard. Hard to comprehend, hard to grasp. I thought she'd always be there, and I don't want to let her go. Not this soon. But in other ways I'm glad it's happening the way it is because it means we can make the most of every single moment we are given, and that if by some miracle she pulls through and is with us for another thirty years we can look back and see how it altered us, changed us beyond all recognition. Remember when?
This is my mom, and I love her. Johnny told me once that out of all my sisters I'm most like my mom, but I can only pray that God will make me half the woman she is.
6 comments:
This is beautifully written, Emily. It captures your mom so well... I'm crying even as I write this.
Your family is in my constant prayers! Please let me know if there's a way that I can help.
Oh my goodness, when I was reading this I had a lump in my throat. I am so sorry about your Mom she looks like such a wonderful beautiful women. I really do not know what I could say to comfort you at this time. I hope that your mother does get better and have a long happy life! and if she does happen to pass , I hope that you get to spend as much quality time possible with her, and that her strength and spirit will remain in your heart always. Sending you and your family my thoughts and prayers at this time.
I'm so sorry about your mom. When I complain about the stressors of school, I forget to realize that others struggles can be far greater. Your family is in my prayers. My aunt was recently diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the lungs, and as she says... This too shall pass. God bless and thank you for your sweet comment.
Oh Emily, your Mom is a beautiful,prayer warrior, and servant of our Lord and Savior,and a dear friend of mine as a well as a co teacher and she and I were both diagnosed with different kinds of cancer in nearly the same time frame. She has been an inspiration to others throughout her journey and continues to touch our hearts. We are praying for a miracle, but trust our Lord to handle the details. Sometimes we want to just stomp our feet and say no,no,no... but then we realize this is our temporary home, and oh what glory awaits us all. Praying for a miracle, healing , comfort and peace for your beautiful Mom.
With much Love, Carol S.
Emily I just saw this post. Your comments at the end echo my own feelings when my father died of cancer 4 years ago. A little advice. Ask her a lot of questions. about her past, about her likes and dislikes. Anything you can think of. Write it all down or record it on a tape or MP3.
Emily,
I was so touched by you writing.I fought back tears with ever line. I know I am crying for myself. I am grieving for the loss of a friend. I was so moved that you saw past all the heartache to realize that God has purpose in all that we endure. May you be blessed by the Holy Spirit and grow always in your love for Him.
Ginger
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