I decided it was time to start a different kind of blog. I don't like xanga much, not since it tried to become like Facebook or Myspace, and I'd rather have a blog that's more private anyway.
Mostly this blog will be stories, ideas, a place for me to practice my writing and to put ideas or thoughts that I would like to share instead of keep to myself. I don't consider myself a very good writer, so please bear with me. This is just practice, after all.
For now, I figured I would just throw some thoughts out into the void.
During church this morning I discovered that there are parts of worship that I don't really enjoy. We were singing a song, I forget which, but the words are "I will not not hold back anymore". It's the bridge, and apparently the worship leader considered it a highly powerful part because we sang it over... and over... and OVER until I just wished the song would end so we could move on to something else. The point of worship is more than repeating the "powerful" parts. I prefer to think of it as the time to commune with God on our own, to really place ourselves in his presence, but on our own time and in our own way. The leader, however, seemed to be taking her own method and shoving it, gracefully and musically, into everyone else. Maybe I didn't want to sing that part five times over. There's a song that I love that I've sung in many places and for some reason the part I like the most is only sung once while every other part is repeated. Perhaps it's just me, but I don't like feeling as though someone else's personal worship time is infringing my own.
Secondly, it kind of bothers me when whoever is on stage says anything along the lines of, "Take this time to talk to God, repent of your sins, etc, etc". I rather resent it and tend to do the opposite of what others tell me in instances like that. Standing there, just after singing, I'm usually not in the mood to really pray and even if I tried to do what they asked I'm never given enough time. Usually I'm interrupted.
I'm not saying that these things aren't good things. I'm glad our worship leader feels the spirit, more power to her! If she didn't feel anything I would question her right to be a leader in the church in that way. And I know other people appreciate the chance to do some of their own praying. It's just my nature, to prefer praying or really worshiping in my own time, on my own terms, during a time where I really feel I can communicate with God.
All through the service I could hear the words of my discipler from a few years ago. She told me once that there were certain songs she didn't sing because she really didn't believe the words. Why bother telling God something that you really don't believe, or don't agree with? That's rather how I felt today. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. Perhaps someday it won't bother me so much, but today it was rather poignant.
Part of me feels like the reason I don't feel free to join in with the leader's kind of worship or why I don't particularly like being directed on what to pray for is because of my feelings on my church in general. Having attended my church for so long because that's where my parents go has begun to wear on me. It's not a place I enjoy being, not because it's not filled with the Spirit or because people are evil, but because I am alone in my age group. The church is one that is full of either parents with younger children or older people, both married and not, and it's just not a place where I feel I belong. Sad, but true. After all these years I no longer feel as though I'm welcome in my own church. Eventually, someday, hopefully soon, I will have moved out and moved on and this won't be a problem. Luckily that time is sooner than it feels.
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