Once Upon a College Day Dreary...

Do you ever have those days where you reflect on life and everything in it and eventually begin to question what it really means to live and breathe and end by finding yourself marveling at the hand you're now holding two inches from your face?

Yeah, me either.

In all seriousness, though, the ugly, dreary, never ending rainy weather (mixed with some other things) has me in the most melancholy mood, inspiring me to examine my life and what I think of it right now. In order to do this I tend to look back on my life as it was and when I want to do that I turn to my journals.

My freshman year of college I began writing in a makeshift journal, this bright orange folder (bottom of that stack!) from H.S. English, the kind with the three prongs? I filled it with notebook paper and began writing just as my senior year of high school ended. Now, seven years later, I have completed twelve journals, spanning six of those seven years, and am working on the thirteenth. However, now that I am no longer in college and don't have the time I once had, it has taken me over a year to get 1/3 of the way through my current journal. There were times where I didn't write for a month or more and then would sit down and write a five page entry, trying my hardest to fill in the blanks. As of today I have decided that this is unacceptable and will hopefully write in my journal at least once every day. But I digress.

Sometimes I really regret bringing out those old journals. There is much that I am ashamed of, as I am sure is true for pretty much anyone. However, I also enjoy them because it is undeniable proof of just how far I've come since I was eighteen. Most of my early journals were all about some boy or another and got somewhat redundant after awhile. I often wrote a list of what I intended to eat that day, what workout I had done, how much weight I had lost (I lost a good ten pounds my freshman year of college, something that made everyone who knew me very worried), how much more I needed to lose, etc, etc etc. There are also some unexpected entries, like the death of my grandmother and, a couple years later, the death of my cousin. I'll find things I had forgotten and other things that caused me to laugh... I am very glad I have those journals. And what's even better is that my handwriting got worse every year so the only person who can really read it is me. :)

What is the point of these journals, you ask?

I am a verbal processor. I have to dwell on things for a long time and write about them and, sometimes, talk about them before coming to any kind of conclusion. Sometimes I have an epiphany. But because I often had no one to discuss these things in my head with I would write about them at length in my journals. Some of these journals were finished in less than six months, notebooks that were twice as thick as the one I'm currently writing in.

Thankfully I have also come a very long way since the folder/notebook journal. Since I was almost always seen writing it became commonplace for people to give me journals for Christmas, my birthday, just because, and so on. I also bought quite a few... I have lots of journals that haven't even been used yet.

So now, having skimmed through some of those old, confusing and silly journals, I will now go write in my current journal. REALLY write, for as long as I can. My brain is so disorganized, but hopefully it won't be once I'm done!

The Royal Wedding

You know, it's interesting how people only care about the things that directly affect them personally.

In reading through status updates on Facebook today a good number of my friends posted about how little they care about the royal wedding this morning in Britain. Others were over the moon about it. But what I noticed is that no one who was over the moon was bashing anyone who didn't care, but a lot of the people who didn't care were bashing those who did, saying how we won the Revolutionary War and if you like monarchs so much move back. 

Silly opinion, I think, considering world events DO matter to us. People care about the situation in Lybia because we have troops over there and it's affecting our gas prices. People care about Iraq and Afghanistan because of the war against terrorism and the fact that we have troops over there. What if we tried caring about other countries, other people? 

I, personally, watched the royal wedding not to see her dress, not just so I can say I did, but because tomorrow it will be history. Important history. I don't know about you, but I learned about all the wives of Henry the VIII and about Bloody Mary and all of those other British monarchs from legends past when I was in school. The world was devastated when Princess Diana died, and yet look at all of those who could care less about her son's marriage and their efforts to make it in memorium of his mother. 

Prince William in second in line to the British throne after his father. At some point, circumstances permitting, he will be the King of England. While I know the king really has very little power, there is still much he would be in charge of and what he does can and might impact the United States. I guarantee that if/when that happens those people who could care less about the monarchs of England will suddenly care quite a bit. Not to mention that we like the British when they ally with us for the various wars we have fought in, among other things. 

So you know what, naysayers? I don't care if you don't care about the wedding. Kindly keep it to yourself. And if you write any comments bashing the opinions I write here in my personal blog, I will gleefully delete them. 

Happy Weekend!

Surprised Much?

So, I was driving home from Kroger and suddenly there was this overwhelming scent of melted cheese and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why... until I realized I was driving past the Macaroni Grill.

I hadn't been at work for long today when suddenly this girl I had seen around the office but never met appears and hands me this large white gift bag with a card hanging off the side. Confused, I thanked her and she walked away.

Brigette, across the aisle, asked if it was my birthday and I'm like noo... my birthday was in February! So I open the card to find that it's a condolence card. My first thought was, wow. How sweet of her! My second thought was how on earth did she know? As far as I knew the only people who knew were my boss and my two coordinators (at least until I told some other people about it) and they swore they hadn't told anyone.

In either case, it was incredibly sweet of her and the card she wrote to me was even sweeter.

Come to find out later that apparently this girl had overheard my boss discussing my Mom's death with one of my coordinators and so she asked about it and they told her. Then, for awhile now, God has been putting it on her heart to do something kind for me, so she gave me this present.

Inside was a lovely journal, a photo album, an orange-mandarin (? I think?) candle, and the entire bottom was laced with butterscotch candies, which I piled onto my desk with a homemade sign that says "Eat Me". No one did (I had a couple) but I left it there and will continue to leave it there until people do.

Anyway, this is by far the best thing that has happened to me at this job, besides being allowed to work from home for three weeks while my mom was in hospice. It absolutely made my day that much brighter. Thanks so much, Jessica! It meant more to me than you'll ever know. :)

Post-Easter Thought

My Easter was a little different.

For the very first time ever, I did not wake up in the house I grew up in on Easter morning.

And even if I had woken on Easter morning in the house I grew up in, I probably would have been overwhelmed by nostalgia and sadness because it was the very first holiday without my Mom. My mom, who filled Easter baskets for her daughters no matter how old we were.

Instead, I woke up at Johnny's house early so I could make myself presentable before the hour long drive to my Dad's church. When I went into the kitchen, I discovered Easter bags, one for me and one for Johnny, from his loving and giving mother. She remembered I can't have chocolate and gave me all of my favorite candy as well as a bag of banana chips, the best dried fruit in existence. It made me smile.

We went to church with my family, and that was weird because a.) we sat in the back next to the sound booth and we usually sit near the front and b.) they almost completely eliminated the church lobby in order to create more seating because c.) there were more people there that I didn't know than ones that I did. BUT. The music was wonderful, showcasing a few of the younger generation's ability to sing and play the violin, and Dad's sermon was the best I have heard in quite some time. It wasn't your usual Easter sermon at all, as he preached about the 1046 pages between Genesis 3:22-24 and Revelation 22:1-5, which is the number of pages between the banishment from the garden of Eden and getting back to the Tree of Life. "Jesus got us the garden back! How did He do it: the 1046 pages in between!" (Dad's facebook status on Sunday). It was wonderful. I wouldn't mind hearing it again.

However, the service was culminated by my younger sister getting up on stage and playing the piano. She was going to sing too, but the song she chose was "How Beautiful", the song my Mom always sang, the song I posted on here back in January. She couldn't even choke out the first line before the tears came. I was sitting with my other sister Jennie, and the two of us were crying as well, but also singing along from our seats until Jennie decided to join Anne on stage and finish out the song. I don't think any of us will ever be able to perform that song without releasing the floodgates.

After church we went back to the house, where I promptly locked my keys in my car and we were a half hour late getting to my sister's in Columbus because it took so long to break in. After getting hanger stuck in a crease in the door, Dad working on the passenger side while Johnny took over for me on the driver's, hangers breaking and a few close misses, Johnny finally scored and got the door unlocked. It put me in an unfortunate bad mood, but I got over it by the time I made deviled eggs at Erin's.

Yes. I am THE family deviled egg maker, and I am proud to say that I made 22 deviled eggs and they were all gone by the time everyone was served.

Dinner was also when Dad went through legal papers and gave each of his daughters a copy of the will he made up after Mom died, along with some other stuff.

We spent the afternoon eating a ridiculous amount of candy and playing Mario Kart on the Wii, which was great fun, while my Dad drove Jennie to the airport. Her two best friends paid for her to take a trip with them to Orlando, FL, to visit not only Disney but also Universal Studios and the new Harry Potter World. I could not be more jealous than I am about this. However, she did find out for me that butterbeer is caffeine free, so when I go someday I'll be able to have it. :)

The nice thing about my Easter was that it meant my trip back to Cincinnati was broken into three. I drove from Canton to New Concord, which is an hour, and then from New Concord to Columbus, another hour, and then from Columbus to Cincinnati, a mere hour and a half. It was glorious, and it meant that I could stick around at my sister's house and play Settlers of Catan and actually finishing the game before I had to leave.

It was all part of the new normal we as a family have to embrace. Traditions will change now that Mom is gone and that most of us are married or nearly married, and while that is the only kind of change I find hard to cope with it's something I'll have to get used to whether I want to or not. Now that we've experienced it once, every time it will get easier and easier until new traditions have been formed and cemented and we are all able to enjoy and appreciate and be thankful for the place this change has brought us to.

So I hope all of you, my wonderful readers, had a blessed Easter Sunday, whether you believe in God or not.

Oh Great Deep Thought...

Lately I have become a little obsessed with movies in which the protagonist does not get what he or she expected/hoped for/deserved. The kind of movie that is so wonderful to watch, and so beautiful, and yet leaves you feeling slightly drained and morose and sad.

Or at least, that's what they do to me. I am kind of tender hearted and it doesn't take much to make me tear up anymore.

What movies, you ask? Well, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Apollo 13, Field of Dreams, and Eight Men Out are the ones I have watched this week. Now, I had seen all of these movies before, and I know the famous one liners ("If you build it, he will come"), and yet I found myself almost bursting with tears of joy as everyone rejoiced the return of the astronauts and their successful landing in the ocean at the conclusion of Apollo 13, shedding tears as Benjamin leaves Daisy so their daughter can live a normal life, and shaking with anger at the injustice of not permitting Buck Weaver and Joe Jackson to play ball ever again when they had nothing to do with throwing the 1919 World Series.

*disclaimer* if you haven't seen any of these films, or some of them... what are you waiting for?? Go watch!

I admit that Benjamin Button is my favorite of that list. If I want to be stuck in deep contemplation and melancholy all I have to do is watch Benjamin Button and I'm there in an instant. The whole film is about being who you are and making the most of every opportunity... but it's also about loss and loneliness. I feel keenly the separation there always seems to be between Daisy and Benjamin, with the exception of a few short years, and it makes me so sad. As I told my best friend the other day when we were discussing it, if only Benjamin had been born normal, then he and Daisy would have had more time! They could have grown old together! But then it wouldn't be such a remarkable and heartbreaking story about how nothing lasts.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. But there are so many thoughts and emotions that flow through me when I watch certain movies, read certain books... I read F. Scott Fitzgerald's short story about Benjamin Button, and I hated it! Daisy doesn't exist in the short story at all, she's a character they invented and then named for the lead female in The Great Gatsby, one of Fitzgerald's most popular works. Instead Benjamin marries some woman who eventually looks too old and he loses interest. Unlike the Benjamin in the film, the one in the book has the maturity of an old person when he looks old, and deals with adolescence when he looks young. So for once I actually appreciated the film significantly more than the original story. I cry every time.

I don't know. That's just what has been on my mind this week. Since the death of my mom and the upcoming marriage of my sister and my own marriage and the eventual children that will come from these marriages and all of these changes that have occurred so suddenly in my own life, the idea that "Nothing lasts" becomes more true every day. Most of the time it's a good thing. It's natural for life to run it's course, for people to fall in love and get married and raise children, and for traditions to change, people to come into our lives and then, eventually, leave just as suddenly. But sometimes the reality of it all, the mortality of it all, the pain and suffering that comes hand in hand with living life overwhelms and just takes over before we can stop it.

However. As for me. Assuming I live to a great old age, I've still got a good 50 years left to enjoy my life, to enjoy my future husband, to make children and a home and really just grasp life by the throat and make the most of every opportunity equipped with the knowledge that nothing lasts, nothing is certain, and nothing will ever be the same as it was yesterday. When I was a kid my sisters and I played the alphabet game and the license plate game in the car to keep us entertained on long trips. We didn't have video games and portable DVD players and iPods to keep us occupied, nor did we need them. Now I got to Applebees with Johnny and I see a family waiting to be seated where all three boys have a portable video game and both parents have their phones. And I think that's sad, but that is how our world has changed. And when those kids are old they'll say "In MY day, we had..." much the way that elderly people today claim to have walked uphill both ways barefoot in three feet of snow to get to school.

Now I really AM rambling, so this is where I'll stop.

Headed to the park for a good long walk. I hope you all enjoy this beautiful evening!

Tornado

I am currently camped out in my bathroom. Was woken up a good forty five minutes ago by the sirens and, until five minutes ago, I was sitting in the hallway unsure what to do. I heard other people out in the corridor, but I don't feel safe going back into my room to get any shoes or anything so I'm just going to stay here unless told something different.

I've never gone through anything like this away from my parent's house. It's times like these where I can say I want my Daddy. He's weather savvy, I wish he were here. I wish I was still sleeping, actually. Work tomorrow will suck because I won't be able to stay awake...

Found a good FM radio station on my phone, but a moment ago it got really fuzzy, probably due to the wind. I'm going to see if I can find their website now, I need to stay informed.

Hope the rest of you are safe as well, wherever you are.

You Know You Live In A Mixed Community When...

You walk in the building and it smells like curry, you hear hardcore R&B wailing from a car pulling in the parking lot and a bunch of guys are playing cricket outside on a nice day.

I admit I thought about taking a picture... but it would have been obvious and a little awkward and yeah. I didn't take one.

So this actually has nothing to do with what I wanted to post today. :)

I've been needing a coffee table for awhile now. A long while. And Johnny has one that he's eventually going to give me, but until that happens I had to improvise. A couple of friends gave me these wire cube things you can put together in whatever shape and I had a few left from the yarn holder I put together (go here for that story!) . Downside is that it's see through and looked a little funny so I grabbed foam board and a few records and this is what came out.

At some point I'll probably use the silver Sharpies I have and doodle on top. We'll have to wait and see. For now I'm only using it to rest things on, I'm afraid to prop my feet on it because it might bend or something.

Anywho, I just wanted to share my random craftiness. Sorry I have posted more, I really haven't had much I wanted to say. I'll work on that and get back to you. ;)

Off to the park for a run!! Loving this beautiful weather, hope you all are too! And I'll be posting later about my weekend, it was full of surprises!