I've decided I need to write more.

Today I was thinking about the idea that "time flies". 

I remember when I was in elementary school and how long summer break always seemed. It was as though the summer dragged on forever, and eventually the boredom got so bad that I couldn't wait to go back to school. And of course once the school year started I was counting down the days until the next holiday and trolling radio stations for snow cancellations. Or how about waiting for lunch? The morning seemed to last forever, like lunch time would never come. 

Now I'm twenty-six and it is only fifty-five days (Johnny counted for me yesterday) until I turn 27. I know that the days until then will fly and suddenly I'll blink and I'm thirty. Time as a child and time as an adult are night and day. Just an hour ago I was finished with work and a little lightheaded because I hadn't eaten since lunch at 11-ish  and so I helped make some food for dinner. Later I was texting my husband, waiting for the potatoes to bake, and I realized that it was already 5-o-clock. I got off work at 4-o-clock. 

Holy time warp, batman! 

I wonder why it is that time goes so much slower for children? It really feels as though we're considered children for a very long time when, in reality, you're only a 'child' for eighteen years. You then spend the entire rest of your life, upwards of 60+ more years, as an adult! So perhaps that's the reason. Time goes slow for children so that they can enjoy that blink-of-an-eye moment as a child, while time goes fast for adults because really there isn't a lot about our lives that changes significantly, beyond getting married, having kids, watching those kids grow, reaching an age where you watch people die, and then eventually dying yourself. I know that I personally feel as though I spend most of my days slaving over a job that I've resigned myself to doing for a few more years yet and that most of my life revolves around that. Wake up, work, make food, hang with husband, pay bills, rinse, repeat. 

I know that seems cynical, but for all that my life is relatively boring at the moment, the days disappear faster than Superman (hero reference number two. Bam.)! I get worried that suddenly life will be over and nothing really happened. It's like what Robin Williams character quotes in Dead Poet's Society: "I went to the woods because I wanted to live life deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."

I hope and pray that I, an absolutely all of you, find ways to really live life. As for me, I'm not always sure what 'living' really looks like. 

So anyway, now that everyone is thoroughly depressed, I end with a picture of a squirrel playing the banjo

and the first word that comes to mind.

Bazinga.  

Here's a New Blog Post! Yay!

I've been thinking for a few days now that I should write a blog. The problem is I have no idea what to write about. So let's discuss Christmas!

Every year for awhile now we've added new people to the family and it makes shopping just really difficult. Thankfully Johnny and I have managed to figure out a present for everyone except maybe the new niece. But she's easy, just go to Walmart and grab a toy and Bob's your uncle.

For everyone else we got -

Just kidding. I'm not telling.

I also need to shop for my husband, and let me tell you it's hard. Really hard! Basically every birthday and Christmas since we've been together I've gotten him a DVD of something because, well, that's just easy. But not terribly personal. And a little self-serving, since I'll use it too so who knows if my intentions were honorable. So this year I need to think of something completely fabulous. Something unexpected. Something that doesn't cost too much because let's be honest there's this little thing called a budget...

Hopefully inspiration hits soon. He already bought all of my presents.

And this is a pathetic blog post, haha. But really that's okay because not many people read it anyway and those that do are ones who know me and will probably laugh hysterically at my hidden sarcasm.

Everyone else? I'm not being sarcastic at all.

Happy Christmas, kids!

Turkey-giving

I really need to learn that if I'm going to be reading anything for an extended period of time glasses must needs be involved. I'm so blurry...

Tonight's blog is a mishmash of shtuff (anyone else besides me love the Mutts comic?). I've been trying to keep myself entertained while also being creative. Not an easy mix in this technological age filled with Netflix and iTunes and DVDs and all of those other sources of instant-gratification that have invaded our way of life. To try combating this a little I took a quick trip to Hobby Lobby to obtain some yarn with which I made a hat for my stepmom! Two episodes of NCIS and it was basically done. Amazing what you can do with your hands when your mind is otherwise occupied...

Tonight I went to the community Thanksgiving service and I couldn't help but be dismayed by how few people attended. As the service ticked on I gazed around me at the age-old interior of the building, which is one of the oldest churches in town, and imagined an Anne of Green Gables type scenario. You know, back when nearly everyone attended church and the pews were full. Supposedly the Delta and Kianu sororities from Muskingum (College) University used to take up one full side of the three-sided balcony back in the day. Thinking this way didn't do anything but make me kind of sad and nostalgic, but that's typical so I got over it fairly quickly.

Tomorrow is Turkey Day! That day where the Indians were duped into thinking everything would be fine and dandy with these settlers just before more settlers came and killed off the "savages" with small-pox infested blankets and war. I highly doubt that the day after they broke bread together in peace was followed by a day where people trampled each other to death to get to the Black Friday sales-price iPods first. I, for one, don't understand the madness and avoid it all costs and am of the opinion that everyone else should too. Your five-year old will have broken it by Boxing Day anyway.

As it is, I am very much looking forward to the time off from work that I get to spend with people I like. And then spending three straight days with my beautiful almost six-months old niece! *sigh* What a lovely, stress-free holiday.

Happy Turkey, kids! Have a good one!

Thankful

Words can't really express how I have been feeling so far this month.

Most of my Facebook friends have been posting what they're thankful for everyday of November so far, something my Mom used to do and what I did last year. But this year I'm really only thankful for one big thing so I decided to post it here. I am ever so grateful for my family and friends. They are all more loving and caring and understanding than I have ever felt I deserved. I truly am blessed.

Thank you all for being there during this journey we call life. I never could have made it without you.

I threw my clock out the window...

Is it just me or has this year literally disappeared?

One minute it's my birthday and snowy and I'm working mandatory overtime like a boss.

Next minute it's July and there's a pool of sweat under the chair I melted on in our un-air conditioned house.

Now it's suddenly chilly again, the leaves are changing color, Starbucks is swamped by pumpkin fiends, there are already Christmas trees at Walmart, Johnny and I have been married for a year (a YEAR people! And no one died!) and I'm in two weddings this month.

That's right, two. And I'm wearing orange for both. Go figure.

It is the beginning of bowling season, I made a rather tasty loaf of pumpkin bread, my 'little' sister turns 24 on Friday, and it's about that time to start watching all the seasons of Smallville again.

This is my absolute favorite time of year. I can take or leave spring. I deal with winter by wearing lots of sweaters and scarves and boots and gloves and drive the icy streets with white knuckles. I hate summer. But fall has the perfect amount of chill in the air for a sweater and no coat. You can smell the leaves changing on the trees, listen to them drift to the ground and land with that soft swishing sound. It's the time of year when I usually want to do that deep cleaning everyone seems to equate with spring. I don't want to clean in spring. I want to get out of the house I've been cooped up in since early November and enjoy the warmth. But during the fall it's time to get ready to stay inside and avoid the ice and chill and wind and snow by lighting a fire and drinking tea in a nice, clean, comfortable house. Imagine all the bears out there eating whatever they can in preparation for the hibernation. That's exactly what fall is. Preparing for hibernation.

But on the side also enjoying raking leaves and jumping in them, sitting on the front steps waiting for trick-or-treaters, bundling up in warm clothes and blankets and turning on the space heater for work so that my fingers don't freeze off, making a trip to the pumpkin patch, etc, etc etc. All of the best things in life happen in the fall. So sad it only lasts for two months!

Enjoy the fall, friends. :) That's my gift to you.

Holy Heat, Batman!

It is absolutely amazing to me how easy it is to adapt to hot weather.

I'm sure all of you have experienced this crazy heat we've had so far this year and, let me tell you, for a girl who has spent most of her life in an air conditioned home working in air conditioned offices it was a hard transition. I had completely forgotten just what it feels like to be out and about and sweating just to come home to the same, if not warmer, temperatures than you just spent time in. It fascinates me just how quickly I became accustomed to always sweating just a tiny bit. Even doing the dishes feels like a workout now, due to the amount of sweat and energy I expel. And cooking? I have managed to cook decent meals (or not cook, if we're in the salad or sandwich mood) without creating too much heat. I really surprised myself today when I cooked meat on the stove and then did all the dishes and realized that it was 94 degrees outside and that the fact did not bother me at all. Thankfully we invested in a small air conditioner for our bedroom, which we put in the window in the walk-in closet since it's the only one small enough. Our house has HUGE windows. It cools the room just enough for us to sleep comfortably under light covers before I get up to sit at a table in front of a window, keying claims for eight hours praying for a breeze. I was amazed when I realized that degrees in the 80s felt comfortable to me. 

Thankfully those desperate days are over. Even though we still have days that get up into the 90s, not until it reaches closer to 100 does it really bother me much. Even so, by no means do I ever want to move somewhere further south with temperatures like these year round. I love fall weather and baggy sweaters far too much for that, but it's lovely to know that I am no longer the wimpy woman I once was.

When we aren't discussing the heat, idiots who fire guns at innocent people, and the actions taken against the late Joe Paterno and Penn State, we're watching Merlin on Netflix. That's right, be jealous.

We are also now Aunt and Uncle to the most adorable baby that ever lived, in my completely biased opinion. Little Margot was born late at night on May 31st, 2012 and we got to be there for it! Thank goodness for a very understanding boss who said it was fine if I slept in, due to us not arriving home till around 3am.

Beyond all of this, life has not changed much. Sorry for the lack of enthusiasm I show in this post and for my sporadic postings. I'm sure you'll all forgive me someday. ;-)

Bowling Debacle

Remember that league Johnny and I signed up for that was going to start last Sunday?

We showed up just a little early. I was super nervous because I'm just fine bowling with friends but I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of tons of people who probably can bowl WAY better than I can. However, I had no reason to worry because we get there and the guy at the counter tells us that no one signed up and someone was supposed to call us to tell us the league was cancelled. Figures. They gave us three free games for the inconvenience and told us that a different league would be starting on Wednesday and that people had signed up and we can try for that instead. So we play three games and had a blast and signed up for the Wednesday league.

Wednesday comes and we get to AMF Lanes half an hour early just in case. Same guy behind the counter. Same story. No one had signed up, no one had called us, and if no one showed by the time it was supposed to start we got three more free games. One other group did appear, but you need more than one and a half teams to make a league so we got three more free games.

My best score out of all three free games was a 125, which isn't bad for a first timer!

Sadly there aren't any more leagues we can join so we have to find something else that's fun that allows us to meet people and make friends together. Until then, we leave for Vegas on Wednesday next week!! Looking forward to a mini vacation.

Happy Weekend, friends!

A Recap

Life has been a little crazy over the last three and a half months.

What with working and two months of mandatory overtime and planning baby showers and there being two engagements in my family and buying bridesmaid dresses and hanging out with Johnny and trying to get all three star coins in every single level of Super Mario Bros Wii and cooking and cleaning and laundry and dishes I've been rather busy. I won't bore you with every detail of daily life here over the past few months but I shall give you some highlights.

To start with, I turned 26! Johnny and I both took the day off and had a lovely day of eating out and walking dogs at the humane society. Though we would love to eventually get a dog, my work level and having absolutely no idea how to care for one meant that we decided against it for now. It will, however, be in our future.

The day before I turned 26 my Dad got engaged to a lovely woman he has been seeing since around November. Her name is Elaine and we all like her very much. They'll be getting married in May and I will then have a step sister and two step brothers, plus a step brother and sister in law.

A month or so ago, Johnny qualified for a district bowling tournament in Newark, OH. If he won first place he would go on to Las Vegas for the national tournament. Well, guess what, he won! So he gets an all expense paid trip to Vegas and I am going with him! We only had to pay for my airfare, and we leave on the 26th of this month. We're both very excited, and if he wins first at this tournament we come home with $50,000. It's a HUGE opportunity.

We installed a shower! It's been a few months, of course, but it is just lovely to not have to try to get clean while sitting in your own filth. For all the romanticism of taking a bath, it's just not fun to do on a daily basis.

My oldest sister is very pregnant with her very first child and we threw her a shower a couple of weeks ago. My other two sisters and I did our best to plan long distance, since Anne is in Virginia and I'm up here and Jennie is in New Concord, but we pulled it off and it was great fun. There was a fairly large crowd, and instead of games we made crafts. My friend June and I decorated a onesie and we won second place for creativity!

The Red Queen. She kicks it every time.

This also gave me a chance to be creative and use my new sewing machine to make an adorable stuffed animal.

Little Margot will join the world sometime in June.


On top of all of this, the night before Erin's shower Jennie got engaged! She and Art have been together for I'm not sure how long because she didn't tell anyone she was dating him until a couple of months later, but we've met him and like him and he and Johnny get along quite well. Jennie and Art will be getting married this fall and I get to buy yet another bridesmaid dress. If my daughter is my size when she's seventeen, she will never have to buy a prom dress.

And finally, Johnny and I joined a bowling league together. He was already in a league with some of his guy friends that just ended this past Monday, so this time we're bowling together! We start on Sunday evening, and I am proud to tell you that I own my own bowling ball and have been slowly learning to bowl MUCH better than I used to.

And there you have it! Life in the Cross house. :) Ciao, friends!

One Year

Slowly, very slowly, we come down to it. The final hour. The one year mark of my mom's passing.

I absolutely cannot believe it has been a year. Honestly it feels like a lifetime ago while also feeling like yesterday. Or the day before yesterday, a time when Mom was here and healthy and just a phone call away. Even though this month has been rough for me, and probably will be for a long time to come, I keep trying to remember the good times. I remind myself that, even though those 18 days of horror while Mom was in hospice were 18 days I would never, ever wish to relive, there were some moments that have become my favorite memories.

Today I was thinking a lot about my sisters, about how we all live so far apart now and don't see each other as often as we used to, and I suddenly was reminded of that first night spent at my parents house on January 12, 2011. With so many people in the house the sleeping situation was... interesting. It meant that I and all three of my sisters and one brother in-law spent the night all crammed into Anne's little room. Her bed was in there and we managed to squeeze a roll away bed in there and then a ton of blankets and sleeping bags and maybe an air mattress cushioned three people on the floor. It was snowing heavily outside, and it was probably around 11pm and we're all snuggled up in bed laughing hysterically at Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. It was a wonderfully fun time, one that I will always cherish, and it reminds me that no matter what the circumstances, when we're in times of sorrow we band together and hold one another up. The same thing happened at my grandmother's funeral back in 2004. There was a single couch in the viewing area of the funeral home and somehow all four of us squeezed ourselves onto it and we were making each other laugh. No matter what happens we have been able to find the joyful side, the humorous side, of life.

Anyway, there isn't any real plan for Sunday except that Johnny and I are going to head down and visit Mom and hang out with Jennie and her friend at the house and order pizza and play video games and oh, the times we'll have! In the meantime I'll remember my mom, as much as I can, and remind myself every day what made her so special and the ways in which I am very much her daughter. I am determined to be the kind of daughter that would make her proud.

P.S. My birthday is a week from today. Who is excited besides me?!?!?!? ;-)

The "Crafty" One

I like to sew.

It's true.

When I lived at home I sewed all the time, fixing this shirt and that, making letter shirts for my sorority, sewing my Varsity letters onto my Varsity jacket, etc. Since I moved out, however, and have not had a sewing machine all of that has stopped.

UNTIL NOW.

Johnny and I are supposed to inherit an ancient sewing machine, the kind that is set into a table for storage, from his Aunt Nancy and we just haven't really had the time to go pick it up. However, the other day I got an email from Aunt Nancy that was forwarded from Sears; she bought us a brand new sewing machine. A beautiful, blue and white Singer sewing machine.

And Johnny picked it up on Wednesday. Though I haven't used it yet, it will definitely be used for all kinds of reasons and I am SO stoked!

Thank you thank you Aunt Nancy! You made my creativeness come back to life!

2011: A Recap

2011 was quite a year. Looking back on it I honestly didn't do much more than drive so much that I now have more mileage on my car than my husband does on his, and he's had his car for a good year or two longer. What with spending time with Johnny, my mom's death, moving, weddings and showers it seems like a busy year but I'd guess I spent most of it in my car.

Event number one: Mom's death.

It's almost been a year, but it feels like yesterday. I can't believe I made it through this year without her and I really wish I hadn't had to.

Event(s) number two: seeing my extended family a whole lot more. I know this doesn't really seem like an event, but due to Mom's death I got to see my CT relatives and they got to come spend time in Ohio for the very first time I think ever, other than Erin's wedding in 2009. For one of my cousins it was her first time out here and it was kind of fun taking them to places like Chipotle, which for some strange reason they don't have on the East Coast.

Event number three: Anne (finally) got married!

Jarrod's been part of the family since the two of them were in the 7th grade and now, ten years later, they're happily hitched and living far away in Virginia. This even also proved that, no matter how much you fight when you're kids, when you become and adult your sisters sometimes become your best friends. If you had asked me when I was thirteen if Anne would choose me to be her maid of honor I'd probably have laughed in your face.

Event number four: Johnny and I got married!

If you want my advice, never EVER plan a wedding with people who live an hour or more away from you because it is the biggest pain in the you know what and is kind of stressful. I'm just proud that we pulled it off, that my colors didn't look bad together, and that I have heard a number of compliments on our reception. One person said it was the "funnest" wedding reception they'd been to.

Event number five: my sister got knocked up! We're finally going to have a little Blood kid running around. I mean, I technically became a great aunt when I married Johnny because his sister is 20 years his senior and has a daughter who is only four years behind us and she already has a kid and a half. But this is one of my sisters and it means that whenever I get knocked up she can help me out.

Event number six: the holiday season, married, sans my mom.

Christmas, though a little different, was great fun. It's always a strange Christmas when it takes place on a Sunday because no matter what Dad will NOT cancel church. If you asked him he'd tell you we're already celebrating the reason for Christmas every Sunday anyway, why take the day off when it's an even better reason to celebrate? Anywho, Johnny and I started the holiday with him working and me at home cranking out Christmas cookies for Jennie because she didn't have time to make them. When he came home we got dolled up and went to see his parent's and exchange presents, etc, and then went to his mom's church in Bolivar to watch her sing. Immediately after we drove to New Concord where we opened all the family presents together. This has never happened before, but since Anne and Jarrod were planning to spend Christmas day with Jarrod's family it was the only chance for the whole group of us to get together.
Not to toot Johnny's and my horn, but from my estimation the presents Johnny and I gave tended to be the favorites. We gave Dad an iPad, which I don't think he has let out of his sight since he opened it. We gave Jennie Tennis Shoes by Noel Streatfield, which apparently she already owns but her copy is missing the last twelve pages. As soon as she unwrapped it she opened it and proceeded to read the last twelve pages before unwrapping anything else. We gave Anne a backpack shaped like Darth Vader. She squealed when she opened it and immediately put it on and didn't take it off for the entire night. We gave Jarrod thick, warm hiking socks and those hand warmer things. As he's a Marine and in training in winter he was very grateful.

After the present opening excitement we played CatchPhrase. Anne insisted I be on her team so that, if necessary, she could reference Gilmore Girls to me to get the right answer, and we all discovered just how intelligent our reticent men are. Since we women are kind of loud and talkative it's hard for the men to be heard. Until we play a game.

Christmas Day was a blur of driving and food and suddenly it was over. Johnny and I are lucky in that his family and mine don't live so far apart that we can't see all of them at holiday time.

Event number seven: New Year's Eve.
Johnny had to work and I spent the entire day cleaning and attempting to do laundry. Our washer has decided rinsing is too difficult so we have a pile of laundry a mile high. We ended up spending the evening together eating hot dogs/brats and sauerkraut and watching season 8 of Smallville until 11:58 when we went down to watch the ball drop. Quiet, uneventful, just the two of us.

Here's hoping that 2012 has just as much love, joy, and friendship, if not more, as this past year has.

If you suffered through this post, congratulations!

Happy New Year, friends. :)

Bang Head Here

My fifth grade teacher did that once. Out of nowhere she got up from her desk, walked to the chalkboard and drew a large circle above which she wrote those three words. She then hit her head on the board in the middle of the circle and walked back to her desk. My most favorite teacher ever, and I was lucky enough to have her again in the 7th grade. Not because I failed fifth grade math and had to take it over but because she was made into a 7th grade teacher. Made my world.

I've been MIA and that is mostly because of the following reasons:
a. I honestly have nothing to write about, unless you want to hear my daily work-related complaint.
b. There are too many things I had to get done on a daily basis and I didn't have time.

But today I have the day off (angel choir sings here)! That is actually the reason for my title, as I got up at the normal work hour and clocked in and started keying my claims at the usual time until around 8:20 when I asked my boss, who happened to be online at that moment, a question and she responded with "You know we're off today, right?"

Um... no....

So I got to feel like a big dumb idiot and also have a little dance party because hey! I don't have to work today!

Since I have the time, I will be posting twice today. This is my random thought post, and I will now proceed to write the somewhat obligatory 2011 recap post.

And btw, if you're my friend on Facebook and you saw that I'm taking the month of January off from that particular social network, it doesn't mean I deactivated and therefore my posts will show up on the news feed, same as usual. It does NOT mean I reneged on my no-Facebook pledge.

See you in a bit!

Lynn's Christmas Cookies

It is my favorite weather up here in Northern Ohio today. It's gloomy and mild and very, very windy, the kind of windy where I feared the giant bushes in the front of our house might be blown down and when I heard the tornado siren test this morning I checked the weather channel to make sure I didn't need to be doing my work in our creepy, dirty basement. Maybe it's weird, but I love these windy days.

Last weekend I made the hour and a bit trip down to my Dad's house to help my sisters and a number of our family and friends make my mom's annual Christmas cookies.

Every single year for as long as I can remember my mom has made dozens and dozens and dozens of cookies and candies, the sort of thing I only ever experienced at Christmastime, separated them all onto plates and then proceed to give them to at least 30 families in our acquaintance. Usually Anne and I spent Christmas Eve driving around New Concord, drawing straws to decide who would knock on each door as we arrived and often coming home laden with some goodies of our own.

Last year Mom did her best, but Jennie ended up making most of the treats (I would have helped but by then I had moved to Cincinnati). It's a huge job, often taking Mom a week or two to accomplish (usually surrounded by her daughters who claimed that the cookie they had just eaten "broke" and practically begged to be eaten) and Jennie does not have that kind of time on her hands. So this year we did something a little different. With the help of our aunt Jennie made an order form so that anyone who wanted to could order Lynn's Special Christmas Cookies for I think $25 per plate depending on the size of the plate and whether or not you wished for it to be nut free. All proceeds would a) pay for supplies and b) be given to the Sarcoma Foundation. Jennie also told her boss (she works at a supermarket) about this and he donated some of the supplies, such as sugar, flour and butter. Then Jennie, two of our aunts, one cousin, and at least six family friends and myself got together last Saturday and spent the entire day, from 8am until I don't know when, making all of Mom's special cookies. We made everything from white chocolate covered pretzels to Buckeyes to pecan tassies to mint chocolate brownies to the extremely popular white chocolate peppermint sugar cookie snowflakes (I know, ridiculous long name, right?). Thousands of cookies, all in one day, all to be delivered following church the next day. It was incredible considering we had a select number of cookie sheets and only one stove to work with, and I wish I could tell you I stayed for the whole thing but unfortunately I was only able to be there for five and a half hours. Living over an hour away has its disadvantages, and having a poor sick husband who left work early means leaving earlier than originally planned. However, everything got done in due time and Jennie decided that next year we'll allow ourselves more than a single day to get it all done.

Even though I wasn't there for long I made sure to bring my camera and will now post for your enjoyment pictures of the day! If I don't post again beforehand, Happy Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever)!!

 

Count Your Blessings.

I feel like I get stupider with every passing day.

This feeling started back in 2008 when I started working at a preschool and was no longer around people with whom I could use words that were more than two syllables (unless I wanted to either impress or confuse them). It stopped for a bit when I worked for Verizon because I had to know SO much and talked to people on a regular basis and was able to write and read more often.

A couple of days ago I pulled out my old flash drives. The ones that only accept, like, 250MB of data that's how old they are. But on these flash drives are old school papers, the ones that I was really proud of like my senior seminar and the one paper I wrote for an advanced writing class, which my teacher decided he wanted to keep as an example for future students. Papers I could be proud of but, quite honestly, also papers I would most likely never ever use again for anything except for my three years later self to reread and think "My goodness was I good writer! What on earth happened?!?"

Just so y'all know, this is absolutely NOT a ploy to get you to compliment my writing. I'm not fishing for compliments here.

Lately I've been putting up with my job. I haven't enjoyed it. At all. It has even stressed me out at times and often makes me a not very nice person when I'm interrupted. And usually, the entire time I'm working, I'm thinking of all the possible jobs I could look for to get me out of it. I'll consider quitting and finding two part time jobs, ones that will allow me to walk around and not just sit at a desk in an uncomfortable chair giving myself major tendonitis and carpal tunnel for eight hours a day. I'll consider going back to school, applying for other clerking jobs that are most likely equally boring, substitute teaching, etc etc etc. However, when I go to look at the jobs I might actually like, I read the job description and immediately think to myself, "Wow. I am SO not qualified for that," or, "I could never get that job," or, "Why would they want me, every other person who applies probably has more experience and more brain power because I'm just stupid", or - enter your excuse of choice here - . Same goes for looking into school for any reason, from grad school to massage therapy school. I'll read the requirements and immediately put myself down, saying I'm not qualified, my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be, I could never do that, etc.

What's so pathetic is that I went to college. I went, and I did well and I graduated successfully with a perfectly respectable grade point average. So where did all of this negativity come from? I know I'm capable, but I don't FEEL capable. I know I have a brain, but it sure doesn't feel like I have a brain.

All I can think of to remedy this is to try harder at my job because, as much as I don't like it, I'm lucky to have such a good job in this economy, and I need to discipline myself to challenge my brain more. Stop watching TV and instead read a book. And not a young adult book that's an easy read or a book I've read before. I need to read a challenging book, like Moby Dick or Ten Thousand Leagues Under the Sea or Huckleberry Finn. Books that make me keep a dictionary on hand so I know exactly what has been said. Because maybe, just maybe, if I challenge my mind and make myself learn something more than an actor's background and trivia on IMBD, I can feel a little more confident.

So, in conclusion, today I am thankful that I grew up without internet or a cell phone so that I had to spend time being creative, reading, writing, or using my imagination playing with my next door neighbors deep in the wooded area behind our houses. I'm thankful that my parents wouldn't allow us to watch TV unless it was for something like the Olympics or a movie we'd all watch together so that I didn't fill my mind with worthless knowledge, like who is the hottest star and the weekly Hollywood divorce statistics. I'm thankful that they taught us to love reading and learning, and that my Dad works at a university so I was able to attend a good school and graduate without debt. In short, I'm thankful for my upbringing, a family that challenged me, and parents who made me whom I am today: a perfectly capable, adequately intelligent, occasionally creative imperfect person. :)

Round is a shape...

Okay kids. This is the second time I've had to pause this workout vid from The Firm. I am dripping sweat and exhausted and there's still more to go. I have successfully made it through this thing without stopping many times before. It's time to get pro active, and I don't mean the acne wash...

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If Music Be...

(Is it just me or are the dishes never done? It's like as soon as they're clean more have taken their place...)

Let's have a chat, you and I. 

I'd like to chat about music. As I write this I have some songs floating through my head. Not songs with lyrics, necessarily, but rather pure, simple music, the kind that sweeps you into far off places like Middle Earth, Narnia, Neverland... or, in my case, the middle of a forest in the mountains during fall. All of the trees are changing color and the sun is high overhead keeping me warm on a chilly, sweater-wearing kind of day. 

As I listen to this music I close my eyes and find myself cuddled up on an oversized, comfy couch with a homemade afghan and some hot tea listening to the rain on the roof of my log cabin, thankful for the roof over my head, the warmth of the house and of my family in the house around me, and reveling in the fact that I am surrounded by the beauty of nature instead of the cement-filled, car-laden, inspiration-less world I always seem to find myself in. 

I have never been one for the city life. While I have lived in a city and definitely enjoyed the experience and appreciate being able to get Indian or Thai food or Starbucks whenever I want it, I could never, ever live there long term. So until Johnny and I escape it I allow myself to dream about it and pray that it will someday happen. Odd as it seems, I want the location of my home to be the reason for school snow cancellations, if you get my drift. 

Am I the only one who is affected this way by music? I have no problem with being alone in this, but I've a feeling that I'm not...

Once Upon A Time...

... many, many years ago (2005) I joined The Social Network also known as Facebook at the request of my then boyfriend. I slowly began adding friends from my college, as back then Facebook was only for college students, some of whom I only knew by name and face but not much more than that. One such person was this guy I'd seen around campus who knew my then boyfriend due to their mutual addiction to the Pittsburgh Steelers. This boy's name was Johnny.

I didn't know Johnny very well, but I had seen him around campus and at many of the events I attended. Sometime around my sophomore or junior year I realized I hadn't seen him around in awhile.

But suddenly, one day, as I was crossing the field that separated my house from campus, I spotted him coming down the self same sidewalk I was heading for.

"Hi Emily!"
"Hey Johnny!"

And that was our relationship up until spring of my junior year.

My by-then-ex-boyfriend was turning 22 and a group of our friends was throwing him a palindrome birthday party at one of the houses on campus and both Johnny and I were invited. Some wonderful person who purchased the appetizers for this party had gotten both mild and hot salsa. No one, and I mean NO ONE, was touching the hot salsa unless it was to move it out of the way of the mild salsa. Now personally, I love spicy stuff, so every now and again I would stop at the food table and snag some. One of those pit stops found me shoulder to shoulder with Johnny, who to my surprise was also dipping into the hot salsa! We had a conversation as we stood there stuffing our faces about how much we both like spicy stuff and that we should go to Buffalo Wild Wings together sometime (with a group, of course, as I had a boyfriend at the time) and right then and there a friendship was born.

The years went by and Johnny and I remained BDubs buddies, even after graduation had passed, and I moved to Connecticut, and then moved back, and we never saw each other but we kept in touch.

Then one day Johnny updated his status on that social network we all call Facebook, which by this time had undergone many changes since the day I joined all those many moons ago. It said "Who wants to go see Iron Man 2 with me?" (or something like that...). Some other girl said she'd go, but my comment read "Pick Me! Pick Me!"

Later that day I got a phone call from Johnny asking me if I wanted to meet up with him at a mall roughly halfway between our two towns to see Iron Man. Seeing as how he and I had been saying for years that we needed to get together soon of course I said yes.

Fast forward a year and a half.

Johnny and I had a marvelous time at that movie. A month later we got together again a couple of times and decided to take the plunge and try dating. Four months later we were engaged. And eleven months after that we were married.

And now, after one entire month of marriage, even if we drive each other crazy sometimes and are still getting to understand each other's quirks, we're still madly in love and in it for the long haul. And compared to some people, one month is a long time! ;-)

And they lived happily ever after.

The Beginning.

Why Are There So Many Songs About Rainbows?

I thought a lot about my Mom today.

While I was working today I put in Steel Magnolias on dvd to listen to so I wouldn't get bored. My college put on that play a few years back and Mom and I went to see it together. We had a marvelous time, laughing and comparing/contrasting the movie against the play while watching my sister's mother in-law, my academic adviser, and a few of my peers as they did a wonderful job. As I listened to the film today I thought back to that day and the fun Mom and I had and I admit I teared up a little. There were so few things that mom and I did where it was just the two of us, the most recent being when I drove her to radiation and chemo a few times before moving to Cincinnati. It saddens me when I realize all the chances I had to learn more about her and get to know her that I willingly turned down to do other things that, looking back now, weren't nearly as important as I felt they were at the time. Had I known she wouldn't be around forever...

On the night before my wedding, sometime around 1:25am, I was on Facebook because I couldn't sleep so I hopped on over to the page I created back in January for my mom's friends and family. As I thought about how my wedding was in X number of hours and how my mom wasn't there to coach me and my bridesmaids on how to walk and the groomsmen on how to stand correctly and when to turn and basically be awesome, I wrote this post:
Dear Mommy;
My wedding is TODAY.
True Story.
Can't wait to see you there. :)
Love,
Emily
I knew she would be there with all of us in spirit. Nothing, not even death, would keep her from her daughter's wedding. And after the ceremony was over and the food at the reception had been eaten and Johnny and I had changed clothes and got into our very creatively decorated car (thanks guys!) and drove away, suddenly the evening sky turned into this:

For those of you who follow me who are also my friends on Facebook, maybe you'll remember the incredible, never seen in February before, so amazing that it made the front page above the fold in the Daily Jeffersonian rainbow that happened the day of Mom's memorial just before her graveside service:

What made this rainbow so incredible is the fact that, according to a good friend who loves meteorology, rainbows usually appear in the east because they're created by the light of afternoon sun after the rain has passed. But in this case, it was created by the dawning sun's rays shooting into oncoming rain and therefore appeared in the west. And also because it appeared only an hour before Mom's memorial. 

Rainbows have so much more meaning for me now.

Until today I had forgotten all about that post I wrote so late at night before my wedding. But now, now it all makes sense. My mom was there, she was THERE, with us just as I had said she would be. And here I am, just a little piece of immortality, keeping my mother alive. :) How wonderful life is.

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(source)

Remember this book?

Something about today reminded me of it for some reason.

Blogger Epic Fail

I definitely wrote a post earlier this week (it might have been over the weekend... I forget) and it refused to post for some unknown reason and then deleted itself. Jerkface. So here I am catching all of you up on stuff that you could really care less about! Go me!

Married life, for some reason, really doesn't feel terribly different than pre-married life except now I live with Johnny and I didn't before. All of the house craziness has been slightly stressful but otherwise we're getting into a good rhythm and really starting to understand each other. At least, we are in my opinion.

Being home alone this late in this big house kind of creeps me out a little, even though we have neighbors that would definitely hear me if I screamed and might even come to help me out. I'm a little unsure of that last bit.

In other news, when I failed at posting a blog the other day I began to reread some of the old ones I wrote about my mom and, as usual, the waterworks began ever so slightly. Sometimes I'm still struck by the thought that I'll never see Mom again in this life and suddenly I can't breathe and the tears begin... but it's so much more rare than it used to be. Really I just think it's because right now is the beginning of the season of change. Fall is here, the temperatures are perfection in my humble opinion and I'm getting accustomed to the fact that I will never, ever be alone again (barring a horrible accident, which I prefer to not think about) and therefore nothing will ever be the same. Obviously there's nothing wrong with this, it's just a lot to adjust to while also being the most amazing adventure I have ever been or will ever be on.

So there's my current ramblings. When I have the good pictures I promise to post about the wedding and to introduce my husband (I REFUSE to call him 'hubby'. I personally feel that it's slightly demeaning and puts me in mind of an ice cream flavor, or some kind of marshmallow treat like Peeps, or the name of an oversized dog) and talk about the honeymoon!

Ciao friends!