As most of you know, my job is exceptionally boring, so to alleviate boredom I have various DVDs playing in the background. For awhile it was Gilmore Girls. Then it was NCIS. Once I ran out of those it became various films such as the Pirates trilogy, and often times it has been the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I have found LOTR to be a really wonderful film to have in the background, and today was a LOTR day.
When I watch films like LOTR or the Narnia films I am often overwhelmed by a melancholy feeling, or nostalgia, or even wonderment. J.R.R. Tolkein created a phenomenal world, one which it is easy to believe truly existed. It is easy to think that once upon a fairytale Elves were the dominant life force in the world, sided by dwarves and men and the occasional wizard. It is easy to believe in an ancient world based on valor and crowned in glory. A world where the Age of the Elves ends and the Age of Men begins, where there is a City of Kings, where Horse Lords rule the land, with legends and tales and honor and duty... I just can't find the words to explain what it does to me. When I watch The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe's final scene in Narnia where the four royals are crowned and they crown Peter "King Peter, the Magnificent"... Wow. Just... wow. Magnificent. Just. Gentle. Valiant. Words you rarely hear in today's society. True valor is lost. Justice is replaced by little black books and honor by little white lies. Magnificent ancient memories are made into museums or torn down for condos, people care little about the troubles of others. It's a different world we live in. And how sad for us.
How very, very sad.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I knew it, I KNEW it!
Johnny proposed, just like I thought he would!! He read my last post where I postulated the possibility and proceeded to tell me that he only wanted to dress up because it was Sweetest Day.
So here's how it happened, but to explain I have to go back five years....
Johnny and I met in college, though neither of us remembers a handshake. He ended up taking a break from Muskingum for a short while to go to Kent State, which happened to be around the same time Facebook began to get popular. I joined FB at the request of my then-boyfriend, who was also friends with Johnny, who decided to add me as a friend even though we didn‘t really know each other.
He eventually came back to Muskingum and one day I was walking up the hill through the field across the street from my house just as Johnny was walking up Lakeside Drive to class and he called "Hello Emily Blood!" to me, and I called "Hey Johnny Cross!" back!
So, coming back to the present... We spent the morning getting ready for Muskingum's Homecoming, beginning with the parade. As I am a sorority alumna we met up with the other alumni in front of the president's house to watch.
Every homecoming also includes an alumni/actives sorority meeting, which originally I had intended to skip but as I got to talking to the other alumni I ended up feeling I should probably go. So I did, and Johnny went to the football game against John Carroll, which I joined him for at halftime once the meeting had finished.
I don't understand football, but it was fun just the same.
Afterwards we went right back to my house where my mother decided I needed to do my chores before leaving to go out for dinner. I still needed to shower and put my face on and Johnny needed to fix his hair and I ironed his new dress clothes… Because of this, we didn't leave for dinner until 7:30pm.
Originally we were going to go to a place called Muddy Miser's, but as JC was in dress pants, dress shirt, tie and sweater and I was in a cocktail dress we felt we were just a little overdressed. After driving around looking for somewhere to eat and making a couple illegal U-turns and yelling at each other a little we decided to go to Olive Garden.
Wine, pasta, chicken marsala, salad, breadsticks, and PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE. We both got a piece, and I brought mine home to finish later, and some older man who was sitting at a table down the way told us as he was leaving that it was our fault he had also ordered the Pumpkin Cheesecake. :) You’re welcome!
After all of this we drove back to New Concord for a stroll around the moonlit campus. It was unfortunate that wearing heels and only being two and a half weeks out of surgery had really annoyed my knees, but I brought a pair of casual shoes to wear for the walk. At first I thought he was going to lead me to the spoonholder (a gazebo-like structure that covers the drainage hole in the college's lake) and I was going to roll my eyes at just how cliché that would have been. But instead he kept walking until we were just past it and I began to think we really were just going on a stroll when suddenly he hung back. “What are you doing?” And suddenly he was on one knee, on a random place on the sidewalk, pulled out a box, and said "Emily Diane Blood, I love you. Will you marry me?" It took me a few minutes and his explanation for me to realize he proposed in the exact spot where he said hello to me all of those years ago!
Of course I said yes. :)
Johnny and I wanted a picture taken of us in all our glory (and to show off my new bling) so we went over to the house where some of our mutual college friends live to have them help us out. Three of the four girls weren't home and the other was in the shower so we had one of my newest sorority sisters take the picture while we waited for D to be clean. What really stinks is that I thought I looked pretty darn good last night, but every picture taken of me looks terrible! However, I will post one of those pictures anyway.
And there you have it! We have no idea when, where or how but we’re working on it. We’re both very, very happy and it’s a little hard to fathom (someone at church today referred to JC as my fiance and I did a small double take) but we’re positive that we were made and meant for each other and pray that God uses our relationship and our marriage for His glory.
So here's how it happened, but to explain I have to go back five years....
Johnny and I met in college, though neither of us remembers a handshake. He ended up taking a break from Muskingum for a short while to go to Kent State, which happened to be around the same time Facebook began to get popular. I joined FB at the request of my then-boyfriend, who was also friends with Johnny, who decided to add me as a friend even though we didn‘t really know each other.
He eventually came back to Muskingum and one day I was walking up the hill through the field across the street from my house just as Johnny was walking up Lakeside Drive to class and he called "Hello Emily Blood!" to me, and I called "Hey Johnny Cross!" back!
So, coming back to the present... We spent the morning getting ready for Muskingum's Homecoming, beginning with the parade. As I am a sorority alumna we met up with the other alumni in front of the president's house to watch.
Every homecoming also includes an alumni/actives sorority meeting, which originally I had intended to skip but as I got to talking to the other alumni I ended up feeling I should probably go. So I did, and Johnny went to the football game against John Carroll, which I joined him for at halftime once the meeting had finished.
I don't understand football, but it was fun just the same.
Afterwards we went right back to my house where my mother decided I needed to do my chores before leaving to go out for dinner. I still needed to shower and put my face on and Johnny needed to fix his hair and I ironed his new dress clothes… Because of this, we didn't leave for dinner until 7:30pm.
Originally we were going to go to a place called Muddy Miser's, but as JC was in dress pants, dress shirt, tie and sweater and I was in a cocktail dress we felt we were just a little overdressed. After driving around looking for somewhere to eat and making a couple illegal U-turns and yelling at each other a little we decided to go to Olive Garden.
Wine, pasta, chicken marsala, salad, breadsticks, and PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE. We both got a piece, and I brought mine home to finish later, and some older man who was sitting at a table down the way told us as he was leaving that it was our fault he had also ordered the Pumpkin Cheesecake. :) You’re welcome!
After all of this we drove back to New Concord for a stroll around the moonlit campus. It was unfortunate that wearing heels and only being two and a half weeks out of surgery had really annoyed my knees, but I brought a pair of casual shoes to wear for the walk. At first I thought he was going to lead me to the spoonholder (a gazebo-like structure that covers the drainage hole in the college's lake) and I was going to roll my eyes at just how cliché that would have been. But instead he kept walking until we were just past it and I began to think we really were just going on a stroll when suddenly he hung back. “What are you doing?” And suddenly he was on one knee, on a random place on the sidewalk, pulled out a box, and said "Emily Diane Blood, I love you. Will you marry me?" It took me a few minutes and his explanation for me to realize he proposed in the exact spot where he said hello to me all of those years ago!
Of course I said yes. :)
Johnny and I wanted a picture taken of us in all our glory (and to show off my new bling) so we went over to the house where some of our mutual college friends live to have them help us out. Three of the four girls weren't home and the other was in the shower so we had one of my newest sorority sisters take the picture while we waited for D to be clean. What really stinks is that I thought I looked pretty darn good last night, but every picture taken of me looks terrible! However, I will post one of those pictures anyway.
And there you have it! We have no idea when, where or how but we’re working on it. We’re both very, very happy and it’s a little hard to fathom (someone at church today referred to JC as my fiance and I did a small double take) but we’re positive that we were made and meant for each other and pray that God uses our relationship and our marriage for His glory.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Walk a Mile More
I managed to walk all over town yesterday all my by lonesome for the first time since before my surgery. Other than the pain I was in by the time I got home, it was simply marvelous.
This week is a rather boring one, moreso than usual, but even so I'm SUPER excited for this weekend. Johnny works all week instead of having Wednesday off as he usually does, so he has the full weekend to enjoy for once! And it just happens to be Muskingum University (*cough*College*cough*)'s Homecoming, so we're going to the parade on Saturday morning and then the game Saturday afternoon (I have never, ever, gone to a Muskingum football game in all the years I've lived here) and then we're getting all snazzied up and going out to dinner at Muddy Miser's in Zanesville! I bought a beauteous little black dress for way too much money that I cannot wait to wear. Knowing that he has talked to both of my parents and is already in possession of a ring I like to think Saturday will be a special day... but I'm not counting my chickens. Much. ;)
Today is the most beautiful breezy fall day so I took the opportunity and drove my car on some back roads to places where I know I can see for miles and miles and took pictures. Now, I'm a terrible photographer, I admit it, but I like to take pictures anyway.
I just wish all trees changed color at the same time so that there wouldn't be so much green at first and there would be less bare trees when there IS color. If that made sense.
PLUS Johnny and I took a little trip to Historical Zoar, OH, on Sunday. It's right down the road from his church and houses The Tavern, which has some rather tasty food and is where we had lunch.
Walking around after that was a little tough for me, but I'm stubborn and limped around anyway. In some ways it felt like a mini-vacation, and I love love love historical stuff. Plus we ran into a fellow Muskie and got to catch up!
This week is a rather boring one, moreso than usual, but even so I'm SUPER excited for this weekend. Johnny works all week instead of having Wednesday off as he usually does, so he has the full weekend to enjoy for once! And it just happens to be Muskingum University (*cough*College*cough*)'s Homecoming, so we're going to the parade on Saturday morning and then the game Saturday afternoon (I have never, ever, gone to a Muskingum football game in all the years I've lived here) and then we're getting all snazzied up and going out to dinner at Muddy Miser's in Zanesville! I bought a beauteous little black dress for way too much money that I cannot wait to wear. Knowing that he has talked to both of my parents and is already in possession of a ring I like to think Saturday will be a special day... but I'm not counting my chickens. Much. ;)
Today is the most beautiful breezy fall day so I took the opportunity and drove my car on some back roads to places where I know I can see for miles and miles and took pictures. Now, I'm a terrible photographer, I admit it, but I like to take pictures anyway.
I just wish all trees changed color at the same time so that there wouldn't be so much green at first and there would be less bare trees when there IS color. If that made sense.
PLUS Johnny and I took a little trip to Historical Zoar, OH, on Sunday. It's right down the road from his church and houses The Tavern, which has some rather tasty food and is where we had lunch.
Walking around after that was a little tough for me, but I'm stubborn and limped around anyway. In some ways it felt like a mini-vacation, and I love love love historical stuff. Plus we ran into a fellow Muskie and got to catch up!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Happy 22!!
Today my baby sister turns 22! How insane is that??? And in just a few months she'll be getting married to the guy she's been dating since middle school. Now, how she did that I've no idea, but whatevs they're finally getting married and for aesthetics I am the maid of honor.
We actually celebrated her birthday yesterday with an ice cream cake from DQ that they painted with flames per my request and then we bought an Iron Man cake topper. She was kind of really weirdly excited...
The Iron Man part actually lights up, which totally added to the flames aspect of the thing. Slightly ironic to have a flaming ice cream cake...
Anywho, we ate a lovely dinner that my older sister Jennie cooked while I was upstairs working and freezing to death. There's nothing more cozy than being upstairs in a candle and twinkle light lit room working your butt off while the lovely smells of a delicious dinner fill your nose.
We ate as a family for the third time in two days! This is unheard of at my house anymore, usually we fend for ourselves because we're all on different schedules. As soon as we were done we had to do the cake because Dad and I had to get back to work. In fact, I was ten minutes late due to eating the non-chocolate parts of the cake. Mom and I set it up, lit the candles and then sang Happy Birthday in harmony, our little musical family tradition.
Then she opened her big present. Mom and Dad bought her more of the heavy dishes she registered for at Bed Bath and Beyond so now she has four place settings instead of just two!
Anyway, I'm off to go shower and then bend my leg a lot because apparently if I don't get my left leg back to full motion by tomorrow at 11am my doctor will knock me out and do it for me, and as I'm driving myself that would be really bad news. Wish me luck!
We actually celebrated her birthday yesterday with an ice cream cake from DQ that they painted with flames per my request and then we bought an Iron Man cake topper. She was kind of really weirdly excited...
The Iron Man part actually lights up, which totally added to the flames aspect of the thing. Slightly ironic to have a flaming ice cream cake...
Anywho, we ate a lovely dinner that my older sister Jennie cooked while I was upstairs working and freezing to death. There's nothing more cozy than being upstairs in a candle and twinkle light lit room working your butt off while the lovely smells of a delicious dinner fill your nose.
We ate as a family for the third time in two days! This is unheard of at my house anymore, usually we fend for ourselves because we're all on different schedules. As soon as we were done we had to do the cake because Dad and I had to get back to work. In fact, I was ten minutes late due to eating the non-chocolate parts of the cake. Mom and I set it up, lit the candles and then sang Happy Birthday in harmony, our little musical family tradition.
Then she opened her big present. Mom and Dad bought her more of the heavy dishes she registered for at Bed Bath and Beyond so now she has four place settings instead of just two!
Anyway, I'm off to go shower and then bend my leg a lot because apparently if I don't get my left leg back to full motion by tomorrow at 11am my doctor will knock me out and do it for me, and as I'm driving myself that would be really bad news. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Joy and Percocet
Well, my surgery was yesterday and I made it through with flying colors!
My dear old buddy Walter (my stuffed elephant) was my companion for my surgery, along with both of my parents. Originally mom had an appointment with her Doctor in Columbus at 3pm but they actually called on Monday to reschedule her, so she was able to come and stay. And boy am I glad she was there!
Prep is the hardest part of surgery. I got there and the room was freezing and I had to change into one of those robes that tie up the back, and wasn't allowed to wear any other clothes. Of course, my panic made my heart race and therefore kept me warmer than I normally would have been. My favorite thing was the amazing green tractioned socks they gave me. I was allowed to keep them and am totes wearing them as we speak!
Not long after I got there and was changed a nurse came in to tell me that I was going to take a Valium and some anti-nausea meds before she stuck in my IV. Now, my doctor had said I would also be given the gas to sedate me due to my fear of needles but apparently the anesthesiologist said "NO!".
That was when the panic started.
However, Valium is pretty great, I won't lie, and once it kicked in I walked my mom through taking pictures with my Blackberry. Dad took pictures to text to dear Johnny.
Yes, the grey thing is Walter. And my arm is bent like that over him not just so I could keep hold but also because it turns out they needed to take blood. In the crook of my arm is a bit of gauze that you can't see that is clotting the tiny hole. Apparently they used what's called a butterfly needle. I guess it's smaller than the usual needles. I asked if they could check my blood type because we have no idea what it is but she said unfortunately they couldn't this time around. Mom told me just to visit a biology teacher, that's how she learned hers!
Anywho, Valium works wonders because there was no fainting at all, not with the IV or with the blood extraction. The IV definitely was uncomfortable and I refused to move my arm because it made it more noticeable, but actually once I came out of surgery and was awake I'd forgotten it was there. Although I do remember when they were moving me at some point that the tube got caught on something and nearly pulled it out.
All of the people who helped with the prep were great, very friendly and understanding.
My dad, due to being buddies with the doctor and being an athletic trainer, was actually allowed to come into the operation room and watch the procedure. I haven't discussed it with him but I'm positive he enjoyed it. We actually have a stack of photos of the inside of my knee that he's going to talk me through later. But because he got to come in he changed into the same scrubs everyone else was wearing and looked surprisingly normal in them.
The last thing I remember is being in the holding room surrounded by my dad, my doctor, the helper anesthesiologist guy and a nurse, all in teal scrubs, and the helper anesth. guy told me he was giving me the happy juice and stuck a needle into the IV tube. I felt the effects almost immediately.
Next thing I knew I was waking up. I heard all kinds of people around me but opening my eyes was hard. I was aware of my arm still clutching Walter (though he apparently did not go into the O.R. with me), but every time I tried to open my heavy eyelids the room kind of shook and I couldn't focus on anything. My body shook uncontrollably every few minutes. It was a relief to be sleeping, since I barely slept the night before. I remember the nurse asking questions, though I don't remember what they were, but I do remember asking why my tongue hurt. I guess I bit it sometime during the procedure. I also remember being asked if I'd rather have Sprite or water and opting for Sprite.
I don't even remember being wheeled back to my room, really.
They did give me Sprite, and nothing ever tasted so good. It went down easy and I had no nausea at all, though I was still shaking like a spastic colon, to quote Kirk from Gilmore Girls.
They brought mom and dad back in, and also our friend Susan. Susan was originally supposed to be my baby-sitter but was no longer needed since Mom was going to be home. Mom told me that she always shakes when she comes out of anesthesia too, so that was nothing to worry about. And it was really great that she was there because once I had stopped shaking and was more coherent I really had to go to the ladies room, but with ace bandages from mid-calf to mid-thigh that was going to be difficult.
She helped me waddle into the adjacent restroom and held my arm so I didn't fall and then held the IV bag that was still attached to my arm and then helped me get dressed. My knees didn't exactly bend. And I actually carried the IV bag back myself, which my parents thought was a huge accomplishment.
But being able to keep down liquids and using the restroom were the requirements to escaping!
Pretty soon I finished my Sprite and a package of graham crackers and was fully dressed and the IV was FINALLY out of my arm so they put me in a wheelchair where my legs stuck straight out in front of me with nothing to support them and took me out to the front doors where the car was waiting. Johnny had since sent me a text letting me know he was at my house waiting and a friend of the family had made dinner for us (but I ate some of the leftover mashed potatoes my younger sister thoughtfully made for me the night before... shhh, don't tell!).
All in all everything went very well. A million and one people had sent me texts and Facebook well wishes and one of my good friends actually stopped by to give me flowers, Hagen Daas vanilla caramel ice cream, and the first half of my bridesmaid gift! And honestly, I think that now I've been through this going to the Doctor for shots and such will be easier in the future.
But for now I take a generic Percocet every four hours or so to stave off pain, I am able to waddle around a little and can make it up the stairs (down requires some assistance), and I spent the day watching Iron Man 2 and Smallville and chatting with Johnny, who had the day off and spent it here with me. Currently I'm enjoying some chai tea and soon Dad will come down to explain the photos to me. Tomorrow my bandages come off and I'll finally be able to shower! I'm very thankful it's over, and even more thankful that soon, very soon, I will be pain free for the first time in months!
My dear old buddy Walter (my stuffed elephant) was my companion for my surgery, along with both of my parents. Originally mom had an appointment with her Doctor in Columbus at 3pm but they actually called on Monday to reschedule her, so she was able to come and stay. And boy am I glad she was there!
Prep is the hardest part of surgery. I got there and the room was freezing and I had to change into one of those robes that tie up the back, and wasn't allowed to wear any other clothes. Of course, my panic made my heart race and therefore kept me warmer than I normally would have been. My favorite thing was the amazing green tractioned socks they gave me. I was allowed to keep them and am totes wearing them as we speak!
Not long after I got there and was changed a nurse came in to tell me that I was going to take a Valium and some anti-nausea meds before she stuck in my IV. Now, my doctor had said I would also be given the gas to sedate me due to my fear of needles but apparently the anesthesiologist said "NO!".
That was when the panic started.
However, Valium is pretty great, I won't lie, and once it kicked in I walked my mom through taking pictures with my Blackberry. Dad took pictures to text to dear Johnny.
Yes, the grey thing is Walter. And my arm is bent like that over him not just so I could keep hold but also because it turns out they needed to take blood. In the crook of my arm is a bit of gauze that you can't see that is clotting the tiny hole. Apparently they used what's called a butterfly needle. I guess it's smaller than the usual needles. I asked if they could check my blood type because we have no idea what it is but she said unfortunately they couldn't this time around. Mom told me just to visit a biology teacher, that's how she learned hers!
Anywho, Valium works wonders because there was no fainting at all, not with the IV or with the blood extraction. The IV definitely was uncomfortable and I refused to move my arm because it made it more noticeable, but actually once I came out of surgery and was awake I'd forgotten it was there. Although I do remember when they were moving me at some point that the tube got caught on something and nearly pulled it out.
All of the people who helped with the prep were great, very friendly and understanding.
My dad, due to being buddies with the doctor and being an athletic trainer, was actually allowed to come into the operation room and watch the procedure. I haven't discussed it with him but I'm positive he enjoyed it. We actually have a stack of photos of the inside of my knee that he's going to talk me through later. But because he got to come in he changed into the same scrubs everyone else was wearing and looked surprisingly normal in them.
The last thing I remember is being in the holding room surrounded by my dad, my doctor, the helper anesthesiologist guy and a nurse, all in teal scrubs, and the helper anesth. guy told me he was giving me the happy juice and stuck a needle into the IV tube. I felt the effects almost immediately.
Next thing I knew I was waking up. I heard all kinds of people around me but opening my eyes was hard. I was aware of my arm still clutching Walter (though he apparently did not go into the O.R. with me), but every time I tried to open my heavy eyelids the room kind of shook and I couldn't focus on anything. My body shook uncontrollably every few minutes. It was a relief to be sleeping, since I barely slept the night before. I remember the nurse asking questions, though I don't remember what they were, but I do remember asking why my tongue hurt. I guess I bit it sometime during the procedure. I also remember being asked if I'd rather have Sprite or water and opting for Sprite.
I don't even remember being wheeled back to my room, really.
They did give me Sprite, and nothing ever tasted so good. It went down easy and I had no nausea at all, though I was still shaking like a spastic colon, to quote Kirk from Gilmore Girls.
They brought mom and dad back in, and also our friend Susan. Susan was originally supposed to be my baby-sitter but was no longer needed since Mom was going to be home. Mom told me that she always shakes when she comes out of anesthesia too, so that was nothing to worry about. And it was really great that she was there because once I had stopped shaking and was more coherent I really had to go to the ladies room, but with ace bandages from mid-calf to mid-thigh that was going to be difficult.
She helped me waddle into the adjacent restroom and held my arm so I didn't fall and then held the IV bag that was still attached to my arm and then helped me get dressed. My knees didn't exactly bend. And I actually carried the IV bag back myself, which my parents thought was a huge accomplishment.
But being able to keep down liquids and using the restroom were the requirements to escaping!
Pretty soon I finished my Sprite and a package of graham crackers and was fully dressed and the IV was FINALLY out of my arm so they put me in a wheelchair where my legs stuck straight out in front of me with nothing to support them and took me out to the front doors where the car was waiting. Johnny had since sent me a text letting me know he was at my house waiting and a friend of the family had made dinner for us (but I ate some of the leftover mashed potatoes my younger sister thoughtfully made for me the night before... shhh, don't tell!).
All in all everything went very well. A million and one people had sent me texts and Facebook well wishes and one of my good friends actually stopped by to give me flowers, Hagen Daas vanilla caramel ice cream, and the first half of my bridesmaid gift! And honestly, I think that now I've been through this going to the Doctor for shots and such will be easier in the future.
But for now I take a generic Percocet every four hours or so to stave off pain, I am able to waddle around a little and can make it up the stairs (down requires some assistance), and I spent the day watching Iron Man 2 and Smallville and chatting with Johnny, who had the day off and spent it here with me. Currently I'm enjoying some chai tea and soon Dad will come down to explain the photos to me. Tomorrow my bandages come off and I'll finally be able to shower! I'm very thankful it's over, and even more thankful that soon, very soon, I will be pain free for the first time in months!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Up at 2am
I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.
I have my doubts that anyone will even read this, but as I don't really want to sleep right now I figure that writing is the better alternative.
This entire past weekend I've held my panic at bay. I had a few days, and I hoped they would drag. But the time has finally come, and I honestly don't really believe I'll be having surgery in just over nine hours. My alarm is set to go off at 7am so I can shower and do my hair and set things up downstairs for those days during which I am an invalid. My parents will take me to the hospital at 9am so we arrive at 9:30 and then I have a harrowing two hour wait until I actually enter the ER during which they will give me Valium and gas and numb me before putting an IV in my hand in order to knock me out and I will lose an hour of my life.
All day as I worked a 12 hour shift for my job I held back tears, watching episode after episode of Smallville to keep my mind off of things. I'm hungry, but I'm not allowed to eat. I'm thirsty, but I'm not allowed to drink. I'm exhausted, but if I sleep the next four and a half hours will be over before I know it. I know nothing will stop time from barreling forward, but that doesn't mean I won't try to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. In all my life this is one thing I never wanted to go through.
Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine, the doctor is gorgeous, these people are competent and know how to handle cases like mine, etc etc, and honestly I'm tired of it. I'm not afraid of the pain. I admit the fear of the needles. But more than any of that I'm afraid of that one hour during which I have zero control over what happens to me. I'm forced to sleep by filling my veins with drugs, my knees will be messed with, I'll be bandaged up, and the whole time I'll just be lying there, helpless, and will wake up with no memory of its occurrence. I do not like not being in control of my own body, and I do not like not knowing the outcome. I have no idea how much pain I'll be in, or how the anesthesia will affect me. I don't know if eating food afterwards will make me sick, I don't know how out of it I'll be. And quite honestly I've never wanted to find out, but now I have no choice.
I know, I know, you're thinking "They're your knees, of course you have a choice!" Well, when you spend the entire weekend limping due to the pain in your knees, feeling as though they're stiff and swollen and the pain nearly bringing you to tears... then perhaps you'll understand that no, I did not have a choice. Either I live with the pain or I suck it up and have the surgery and live with temporary pain that means the chronic pain will disappear without a trace. As much as I hate it, I'll take the latter.
Prayer. God is the only thing that will get me through this.
I have my doubts that anyone will even read this, but as I don't really want to sleep right now I figure that writing is the better alternative.
This entire past weekend I've held my panic at bay. I had a few days, and I hoped they would drag. But the time has finally come, and I honestly don't really believe I'll be having surgery in just over nine hours. My alarm is set to go off at 7am so I can shower and do my hair and set things up downstairs for those days during which I am an invalid. My parents will take me to the hospital at 9am so we arrive at 9:30 and then I have a harrowing two hour wait until I actually enter the ER during which they will give me Valium and gas and numb me before putting an IV in my hand in order to knock me out and I will lose an hour of my life.
All day as I worked a 12 hour shift for my job I held back tears, watching episode after episode of Smallville to keep my mind off of things. I'm hungry, but I'm not allowed to eat. I'm thirsty, but I'm not allowed to drink. I'm exhausted, but if I sleep the next four and a half hours will be over before I know it. I know nothing will stop time from barreling forward, but that doesn't mean I won't try to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. In all my life this is one thing I never wanted to go through.
Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine, the doctor is gorgeous, these people are competent and know how to handle cases like mine, etc etc, and honestly I'm tired of it. I'm not afraid of the pain. I admit the fear of the needles. But more than any of that I'm afraid of that one hour during which I have zero control over what happens to me. I'm forced to sleep by filling my veins with drugs, my knees will be messed with, I'll be bandaged up, and the whole time I'll just be lying there, helpless, and will wake up with no memory of its occurrence. I do not like not being in control of my own body, and I do not like not knowing the outcome. I have no idea how much pain I'll be in, or how the anesthesia will affect me. I don't know if eating food afterwards will make me sick, I don't know how out of it I'll be. And quite honestly I've never wanted to find out, but now I have no choice.
I know, I know, you're thinking "They're your knees, of course you have a choice!" Well, when you spend the entire weekend limping due to the pain in your knees, feeling as though they're stiff and swollen and the pain nearly bringing you to tears... then perhaps you'll understand that no, I did not have a choice. Either I live with the pain or I suck it up and have the surgery and live with temporary pain that means the chronic pain will disappear without a trace. As much as I hate it, I'll take the latter.
Prayer. God is the only thing that will get me through this.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Life
I am terrified.
Surgery Tuesday. God help me, please!
My life is boring. I've decided when this is all over, Johnny and I are going spelunking.
I have no idea what spelunking is, but it sounds cool enough to be awesome.
Happy Sunday, y'all!
Surgery Tuesday. God help me, please!
My life is boring. I've decided when this is all over, Johnny and I are going spelunking.
I have no idea what spelunking is, but it sounds cool enough to be awesome.
Happy Sunday, y'all!
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