I care so much about the Super Bowl that I made a point of driving the 2.5 hour trip back to Cincinnati just when it was going on. Yup. It's that big of a deal to me.
I'm "home" now. Most of my stuff is unpacked but I have more clothes than I will ever have room for so tomorrow after work I get to organize my closet. Again. And then repack four days later for a weekend trip back to good ole nc.
Somehow all of this is easier when I'm with my family. Then it feels as though we're just waiting for Mom to come back from vacation. Now I have to deal with the reality of going back to work and paying bills and all of that nonsense without the periodical updates from Dad about when Mom's next treatment is or a text from Mom asking for help creating a group for her contacts on her phone. When I lived in Connecticut sometimes I would call home and have long conversations with my Mom about cooking and coupons and phones and work and life in general.
It's so much easier to pretend she's on vacation.
During my drive, once I got bored of music, I allowed my mind to slowly build, piece by piece, topic by topic, chapter by chapter, the book I am now determined to write. It will be a long haul, involving lots of emails overseas and to my relatives and Mom's friends and outlining and writing and revising and finding someone to publish it for me and whatever else it takes to write a book. Quite honestly, I don't care much if it sells. I just want to share my beautiful mother with the world and also fulfill my lifelong goal of publishing a book. I will need support from all of you, my wonderful readers. Help me keep on writing!
Anyway, I really hope that as time goes on sleeping actually grants me rest. Till then, I get to wake up at 5:30am for work for the first time in three and a half weeks. Wish me luck!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tee Pee
For the past few weeks, during this whole ordeal with my Mom, we have had no less than ten people living in my house. Three of these people were my mom's mother and sisters, all of whom have their own way of doing things and one thing my grandma taught her kids was, when you replace the toilet paper, make sure the lose end comes around the front not the back. So in every bathroom when one of those three women changed the paper the let the loose end hang out the front.
None of these women keep cats who like to play in the bathroom.
Back when I was five years old we got our first cat. To cats, just like with small children, that dangling paper is a temptation that cannot be ignored. We often went into the bathroom to find the entire roll of paper lying in a heap on the floor. Therefore we learned to put the paper on with the loose end coming through the back. This way the cat can bat the front of the roll as much as he or she wants, nothing will unroll.
The moral of the story is, when you have relatives keeping house for you, suck it up and deal with how they do things until they leave. Then you can slowly bring things back to normal. After all, it's only a roll of paper, it will soon be gone and a new roll added in the "correct" way and life goes on.
But till then, it drives me crazy!
None of these women keep cats who like to play in the bathroom.
Back when I was five years old we got our first cat. To cats, just like with small children, that dangling paper is a temptation that cannot be ignored. We often went into the bathroom to find the entire roll of paper lying in a heap on the floor. Therefore we learned to put the paper on with the loose end coming through the back. This way the cat can bat the front of the roll as much as he or she wants, nothing will unroll.
The moral of the story is, when you have relatives keeping house for you, suck it up and deal with how they do things until they leave. Then you can slowly bring things back to normal. After all, it's only a roll of paper, it will soon be gone and a new roll added in the "correct" way and life goes on.
But till then, it drives me crazy!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Welcome!!
Welcome, Everyone, to my 25th Birthday!!!
I am always very, very excited about my birthday, no matter what, though I'm a little annoyed with the snow and intend, at some future birthday, to be somewhere warm or go somewhere snowy that's a sweet place to be (like, idk, Germany. Iceland. etc.). But for now I will content myself with a Bob Evans breakfast with Johnny, a family dinner of my choosing with funfetti cake, and an evening with a good friend at her new house watching movies and just hanging out. A quiet, peaceful birthday, just what is needed after such a week.
We buried my mom yesterday. It was sad. It was surreal. And yet there was and will be rejoicing because our God is alive and she is safe with him and out of pain and, really, that is all that matters. So today, I will cry tears that she isn't with us to see her third daughter turn a quarter century old and yet be filled with joy because she is alive in me, and in my sisters, and in my father and in every single person she ever met or who will ever hear about her. :)
So I hope that everyone has a lovely Emily's birthday!
I am always very, very excited about my birthday, no matter what, though I'm a little annoyed with the snow and intend, at some future birthday, to be somewhere warm or go somewhere snowy that's a sweet place to be (like, idk, Germany. Iceland. etc.). But for now I will content myself with a Bob Evans breakfast with Johnny, a family dinner of my choosing with funfetti cake, and an evening with a good friend at her new house watching movies and just hanging out. A quiet, peaceful birthday, just what is needed after such a week.
We buried my mom yesterday. It was sad. It was surreal. And yet there was and will be rejoicing because our God is alive and she is safe with him and out of pain and, really, that is all that matters. So today, I will cry tears that she isn't with us to see her third daughter turn a quarter century old and yet be filled with joy because she is alive in me, and in my sisters, and in my father and in every single person she ever met or who will ever hear about her. :)
So I hope that everyone has a lovely Emily's birthday!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Oh My....
First round of calling hours. Some tears, but a lot of smiles actually, considering the reason we were gathering. But to me the reason isn't because Mom is dead and we're mourning her, though that is mostly the case. It's more that she's not in pain anymore and she's with Jesus and we'll see her again and really, honestly, I'm comforted by that fact. Last week she was here but she wasn't here, and this week she isn't here but she IS.
One good friend came through the line with caffeine free hot chocolate just for me! A whole box! I am currently drinking some right now and very, very excited about it. One of Mom's coworkers came through with another coworker and she was wearing this lovely grey and purple scarf. I asked if I could see it closer, because it looked a lot like three scarves twirled together somehow and she noticed it matched my outfit and then took it off, put it on me and told me to keep it! I spent five minutes trying to figure out if she was serious. Turns out, she was. The scarf now hangs with my jacket in the upstairs closet.
Many of the guests this evening were people I recognized from past activities or family gatherings and, inevitably, they would ask me about what I was doing now and I'm like, "Oh, I live in Cincinnati and I process insurance claims for a living." And the moment I said "insurance" their eyes glazed over. Yes, everyone. I know it's boring, but until I figure out my path in life it's nice to make money and live out in the world on my own. Well, on my own for the next few months until I get married and Johnny and I decide where we want to be.
Do you ever feel like you're at a bit of a dead end? For a few years now, ever since right before I graduated college, I've had this overwhelming feeling that I'm meant to do something incredible for Jesus. What that is, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not to stay where I am and work insurance for the rest of my life. I am one of those unlucky people who was blessed with incurable wanderlust and yet haven't really gone anywhere. I always want to go, I want to travel, and the few times I've really traveled it was for far too short a time and for a specific reason. Like a wedding, for example.
Johnny and I had a long discussion about this the other day, about how he also wants to travel, though for him it isn't an incessant longing that has lingered for years on end like me. So many times recently have I daydreamed about just selling everything I own except for a small suitcase of clothes and just taking off. Travel the country until I run out of money, find a part time job and a place to crash and work till I save enough to move on to the next place and just get to know people and learn their story and be part of their lives for a short while. The life of a vagabond. I have a friend who did something similar, only he did this to teach SCUBA overseas in such places as Indonesia and New Zealand. I am incredibly jealous of the odyssey he's on.
More than anything I'm terrified of ending up a typical suburban Mom, with three kids and a husband who works 8-5 and soccer practices and carpooling and all of those normal, everyday things. I'm not saying that life isn't great, that's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that I never want my life to be ordinary and I'm terrified that's what it will become.
I don't know, I'm really just rambling. Hope you don't mind. :)
One good friend came through the line with caffeine free hot chocolate just for me! A whole box! I am currently drinking some right now and very, very excited about it. One of Mom's coworkers came through with another coworker and she was wearing this lovely grey and purple scarf. I asked if I could see it closer, because it looked a lot like three scarves twirled together somehow and she noticed it matched my outfit and then took it off, put it on me and told me to keep it! I spent five minutes trying to figure out if she was serious. Turns out, she was. The scarf now hangs with my jacket in the upstairs closet.
Many of the guests this evening were people I recognized from past activities or family gatherings and, inevitably, they would ask me about what I was doing now and I'm like, "Oh, I live in Cincinnati and I process insurance claims for a living." And the moment I said "insurance" their eyes glazed over. Yes, everyone. I know it's boring, but until I figure out my path in life it's nice to make money and live out in the world on my own. Well, on my own for the next few months until I get married and Johnny and I decide where we want to be.
Do you ever feel like you're at a bit of a dead end? For a few years now, ever since right before I graduated college, I've had this overwhelming feeling that I'm meant to do something incredible for Jesus. What that is, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's not to stay where I am and work insurance for the rest of my life. I am one of those unlucky people who was blessed with incurable wanderlust and yet haven't really gone anywhere. I always want to go, I want to travel, and the few times I've really traveled it was for far too short a time and for a specific reason. Like a wedding, for example.
Johnny and I had a long discussion about this the other day, about how he also wants to travel, though for him it isn't an incessant longing that has lingered for years on end like me. So many times recently have I daydreamed about just selling everything I own except for a small suitcase of clothes and just taking off. Travel the country until I run out of money, find a part time job and a place to crash and work till I save enough to move on to the next place and just get to know people and learn their story and be part of their lives for a short while. The life of a vagabond. I have a friend who did something similar, only he did this to teach SCUBA overseas in such places as Indonesia and New Zealand. I am incredibly jealous of the odyssey he's on.
More than anything I'm terrified of ending up a typical suburban Mom, with three kids and a husband who works 8-5 and soccer practices and carpooling and all of those normal, everyday things. I'm not saying that life isn't great, that's not what I mean at all. What I mean is that I never want my life to be ordinary and I'm terrified that's what it will become.
I don't know, I'm really just rambling. Hope you don't mind. :)
New Perspective
Hey all!
It has been rather strange and a sad sort of relief to know that Mom is gone. Sometimes I feel like in a moment she'll come in the room to ask why I'm still awake. I know that this is natural and, in time, will begin to fade, but for now i'll mourn her death in my own quiet way.
And my birthday is on Thursday. Normally I would make a huge deal out of it, but since it'll be the day after the funeral I'm just going to spend time with friends and let this one quietly pass.
The next few days will be a flurry of activity, as we have final preparations to make and papers to buy with mom's self-written obituary inside and family to wait for and greet and then a grueling three sessions of calling hours, private graveside service and, finally, a joyful memorial to celebrate a beautiful life well lived. And then we'll all sit back and reminisce. Remember when?
Thank you all, from the depths of my heart, for your thoughts, sympathies, prayers, etc. For any who are interested in coming to the calling hours or memorial, the hours will be listed in the Daily Jeffersonian or the Times Recorder or the Plain Dealer. I look forward to meeting many of you over the next few days, and to new friendships made through our bond of sorrow.
Till then, thank you for your faithful readership. :)
It has been rather strange and a sad sort of relief to know that Mom is gone. Sometimes I feel like in a moment she'll come in the room to ask why I'm still awake. I know that this is natural and, in time, will begin to fade, but for now i'll mourn her death in my own quiet way.
And my birthday is on Thursday. Normally I would make a huge deal out of it, but since it'll be the day after the funeral I'm just going to spend time with friends and let this one quietly pass.
The next few days will be a flurry of activity, as we have final preparations to make and papers to buy with mom's self-written obituary inside and family to wait for and greet and then a grueling three sessions of calling hours, private graveside service and, finally, a joyful memorial to celebrate a beautiful life well lived. And then we'll all sit back and reminisce. Remember when?
Thank you all, from the depths of my heart, for your thoughts, sympathies, prayers, etc. For any who are interested in coming to the calling hours or memorial, the hours will be listed in the Daily Jeffersonian or the Times Recorder or the Plain Dealer. I look forward to meeting many of you over the next few days, and to new friendships made through our bond of sorrow.
Till then, thank you for your faithful readership. :)
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Saturday, January 29, 2011
Final Update
At 3:19pm on January 29, 2011 my mother died.
She died with her family around her as we played a game of Scrabble.
We are heartbroken.
But she is free.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Update 17
Apparently a bat got in around 1am last night. And guess who slept through the excitement? This girl. Apparently I was super tired because normally something like four people chasing down a bat would wake me up.
What did wake me up was Mom's groans of pain. Since she can't swallow we have to get up once every couple of hours to give her liquid morphine and in between she was coughing up a lung and groaning in pain and at one point she actually woke, was groaning, struggled to sit up and was calling "Help!" to whoever would listen. Those of us sleeping downstairs are a well-oiled machine. The moment Mom makes a noise or sits up or whatever immediately Dad, Kim and Lauri are up and there and Dad lifts Mom while Kim pulls out the potty chair and Lauri assists from behind as they help Mom sit and then she rubs her back while she sits there and it's pretty incredible to watch. The rest of us are either asleep or watching or, in my case, ducking so I'm not whacked in the head with the leg of a potty chair in Kim's haste to get it to the bedside.
Today was fairly calm. Or, at least, it was for when I was down here. Mom's pain has worsened and she's not able to talk much anymore due to not being able to swallow water. I spent most of the day up in the living room with a book in an attempt to escape the madness but every now and then I'd hear a cry from down here. She spent a good part of the morning in the wing chair propped up by pillows and tied loosely to the chair with a scarf so no one had to hold her up. She's gotten very weak, her legs barely hold her anymore. If she weren't so determined to get up to use the restroom we would probably be using a bedpan. But whenever she needs to go she tries to sit up and push herself out of the bed before Dad, Kim or Lauri stops her so i'm guessing a bedpan isn't really an option. Though we do have one.
For the third time this week I escaped the house. My introverted self can only stand this many people and little privacy for so long before I go crazy so I drove to Zanesville to order a new debit card to replace my poor worn out one. This was an amusing trip since the banker who helped me interrupted himself to admire my engagement ring, explaining he used to work in jewelry and that my ring was very pretty. Afterward I took myself over to Starbucks for a Caramel Apple Spice, the only hot drink I can have. My Lil, Laura, works there and I was hoping she was there today. She was! And she made my drink and told me it was on her. :-D Then, when I came home after a short trip to Walmart (where I only bought the two things I was sent for and nothing else! It's a miracle!) I found that Anne's future mother in-law was buying us Chinese take-out for dinner. What a marvelous way to end this day.
To finish, here is a photo of the Mountain of Comfort that suddenly grew in the foyer last week. Later on I will take a picture of our nightly slumber party so you can join in on the madness.
****me at June's wedding! In love with this pic!****
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