Update 6

"Pizza time!" - Mom, after taking liquid morphine, which tastes terrible. 

You know, one of my consolations for this situation is that, because Mom was taken off of a lot of her treatments for a short while, her taste buds came back with a bang. I clearly remember overhearing her on the phone one day a month or so ago while she told a friend how food now tastes just wonderful. And after all those months of skewed flavors from those horrible poisons I'm just thankful she was able to really enjoy and savor her food before she was unable to eat anything at all.

This morning began with Dad coming up to the kitchen to get some of his pills and then looking down into the family room to find mom standing on her own trying to cover herself with Dad's comforter to sit on her new potty chair. You know, when you have to go you have to go! Dad got down there quick, especially when we saw her trip over the comforter and stumble against the bed. Otherwise she has been semi-alert all day, talking and actually finishing sentences. When I came downstairs to get my headphones so I could concentrate on my work she said my name and when I looked she waved at me. Brought tears to my eyes. 

Dad said her pain is a little higher today and we've actually been giving her liquid morphine, which we didn't do much of yesterday. But otherwise it's been fun. Our good friend Chelsea, whom we all consider part of the family during this crisis, arrived from Florida today and most of us spent the entire afternoon down in the family room playing Scrabble and reading online pop-culture trivia from the late '70s. I won Scrabble for the first time in a long time, and when Anne was announcing it Mom said "Actually, I won," as Dad helped her back into bed from the bathroom. We have no idea what she meant, but it was funny. 

Over the past few days Jennie has been fixing and restoring an old rocking chair that belonged to my great-great grandfather or something. It's a chair we have had for as long as I can remember. Mom rocked every single one of us to sleep in it, and it has been broken for a very long time. Last night she finally finished it, and during one of the moments when mom was up walking past she decided she wanted to sit in it. And we took a picture. 

We are all aware of the reality of our situation. It's something we can't change, can't escape, and yet we pray continually for a miracle. As I read all of the posts friends and family have posted on Mom's group wall I wish that I had more time to get to know her better. However, it also brings to mind something I heard once in a movie. 

The night before he "departs", Mr. Magorium, of Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, tells Molly Mahoney about how Shakespeare described the death of King Lear. He wrote, "He died."

          "That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.  I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died." "

 My mom has led a beautiful life. And through everything she did, all the people she touched, the plays she was in, her beautiful voice and her amazing testimony she will continue to live, even when she's gone, in our memories and in our hearts. We WILL see her again someday, and we will join her at the breakfast table in paradise. 

Update 5

Today was another full day. Mom has begun to forget things, so when her close friends stopped by she would say things like, "Did we teach together?" and at one point she apologized to her good friend Susan for not returning her chair. None of us has any idea what she meant by that. She slept for most of the day but every time she wakes she guzzles water due to sleeping with her mouth open. We know she's in a deep sleep when she begins to snore.

The day ended with a visit from the eight week old daughter of church friends, and as weak as Mom is she wanted to hold her. And we took pictures.

She was a fussy baby and when Mom took her after the baby ate the baby just squalled at the top of her lungs. Calmly Mom asked for a hot wet washcloth, and we all learned something new as she wiped the baby's face gently and then let her suck on the cloth. Immediately she calmed down and was downright pleasant.

Yesterday they decided to up her meds and as a result she has become very disoriented and she doesn't get up as often. We have a potty chair that she has really only used once as she really prefers to use the actual bathroom. To quote my Dad, she's still fighting. She falls asleep in the middle of doing things, like she'll scratch her arm because the drugs make her itch and in the middle of it suddenly she'll stop and her arm will still be up because she fell asleep and forgot to put it down. Someone usually goes over and helps her.

I'm sitting in the room with her as I write this post and Dad just finished giving her pills. She can only take one at a time. This from the woman who used to take a whole handful all at once. Dad stood there coaxing her. "Put the pill in your mouth, Lynnie. Atsa girl... just two more, here's another..." until she has taken all of her pills. I really admire Dad's strength, I have only seen him have to leave the room, unable to talk, once.

At church yesterday morning, after my sisters and I sang that song that made everyone cry, Dad got up and apologized but said he had to start his sermon with an unrelated story. He told about how when Mom was pregnant with each one of her four daughters she would put on music and dance and sing to each baby. BUT she wouldn't allow him to sing to the baby. "And that," he concluded, "is why they sing like that and not like me!" I now have every intention to do the same with all of my children, and the first daughter I have will be named Ellen after my mom.

Her stomach is bigger, she gets thinner. Her eyes are sunken and surrounded by dark circles. Her cheekbones stick out from her face. When she smiles the corners of her mouth don't rise. But for all of her fatigue and confusion she still has her sense of humor and when Jennie's friends stopped by, Mom heard them up in the living room and demanded they come down and join her because it was boring down here. I cherish those moments when I see little bits of the woman she really is instead of what drugs and cancer have done to her.

Forgive my language, but I think my friend Jaynell said it best: "Cancer, you are a bastard."

Update 4

Yesterday was a super busy day. We did get our photo taken, as you can see in my previous post, and actually one of Jennie's band members took the photos for us before they played. There were four boys and Jennie, two guitars, a bunch of singers, and a conga drum. Mom's eyes were closed for the whole thing, but she clapped after every song and hugged every member of the band. After they left the leader, Rich, sent Jennie a text to tell her that was the most meaningful thing he has ever done and thanked her so much for letting him be part of it.

Last night my sisters, Johnny and I all camped out in the family room with Dad, grandma, and Aunt Lauri. Anne and I had a major scare when mom suddenly made a gasping sound and stopped breathing for a minute. Due to this grandma and Aunt Lauri stayed up all night watching over her as Dad slept. I actually slept on the floor, something I haven't been able to do in years. None of us slept well, though.

Mom looks a little worse every day. She hasn't eaten anything but ice chips for almost a full week now and all we can do is watch as she slowly starves to death. Today the hospice nurse came to bathe her and brought a bedside commode and bedpan since mom is now too weak to walk to the bathroom alone. My only consolation was when I took mom's hand last night and I felt the strength of her grip.

At one point Dad came to Mom's bedside and she immediately reach out her hand and he took it in both of his. It was such a loving gesture, it held all the evidence of a love deeper than many of us have ever known. All I can ever hope for is that Johnny and I, when we've been married for thirty years, love each other as much.

Update: Family Photo

From L to R: back row: Jarrod, Dad, Derrick, Johnny. Front row: Anne, Jennie, Mom, Erin, Me.

Update 3

I have decided that any posts about my mom will be titled "Update". Just easier that way.

Short post, the doctor is coming by today and will probably up mom's dosages for morphine and ibuprofen. My older sister's band is coming by and giving a little acoustic concert. At 3-ish Derrick, my brother in-law, is coming back from Columbus and before Anne's fiance leaves we're going to take a family photo. My aunt and a family friend helped mom get "showered" and lotioned and dressed so she was presentable, and she'll be coming upstairs for the first time in about four days so we've been cleaning up the living room so she isn't stressed out by a messy house.

This morning we Skyped the church service to my mom and some relatives at home since she couldn't be there. Jarrod, Anne's fiance, helped another family friend hook up the computer to the television so it was a big screen and everyone could see and hear. As Jennie, my older sister, is the worship leader she began to sing Chris Rice's song "Hallelujahs" for the offering and began to cry and couldn't sing anymore. So when i saw she wasn't going to sing again anytime soon I went up there and took over the singing. A moment later Erin, the eldest sister, joined us as well. Jennie just played the piano while I sang and Erin joined in on the chorus. Halfway through i began to cry, and by the time we finished the song there were few females with dry eyes in the congregation. It was a very meaningful, special moment, and I know my dad was holding back tears as well.

Yesterday morning, around 10am, my aunt suggested I create a facebook group for my mom that anyone could join where they could post photos and memories. As of this morning the group has 144 members, in less than 24 hours. The posts just keep on coming, and before I left for church I read them to mom and showed her pictures so she could remember and know just how loved and special she is. My Aunt Polly, the one aunt who is unable to be here right now as her daughter is past due for a baby, called as well and mom talked to her on the phone for a bit. And I took a picture.

This was the first time I had seen her smile like that in days.

When my brother in-law gets here we are going to take a family photo, a photo of EVERYONE. Of Mom, Dad, Derrick and Erin, Jennie, Emily and Johnny, and Anne and Jarrod. The first and last of everyone. I promise I will post it later for everyone to see.

"The pulse of life within my wrist, the falling snow, the rising mist; There is no higher praise than this. And my soul wells up with Hallelujahs."

Update 2

Sorry for the lame titles. I'm creatively spent.

When I came downstairs this morning I found mom sitting up on the side of the bed talking to Dad. It was the healthiest thing I have seen her do since the night I came home. As someone was bringing us breakfast at 9 and it was still 7:45 or so I had time to just sit with her and Dad and look at comments kind people have written about my blog on Facebook. Writing during this time definitely helps me, and I'm thankful that this blesses so many of you.

As I was reading comments my aunt suggested I create a Facebook group so people can write memories and share stories and photos. It took me a bit, since I haven't made a group in five or six years, but I figured it out and now, just two hours later, we have 70+ people in that group and they have already begun to post things. As more memories and stories are added we will be reading them to my mom so she can hear just how much she is loved and will be missed.

A couple of days ago I was working while everyone was eating breakfast around me at the dining room table. At one point it was just me and two of my sisters and my brother in-law so Dad sat down and began discussing funeral and calling hour plans with us. At first I discussed it as though I was talking about a distant acquaintance and not my mother, but the longer we talked the more it sunk in and the less I contributed because I knew if I opened my mouth I would just start crying. And as I was working, crying would have made things very difficult. But the result of this conversation was my sisters and me going through all of the photos we have in our house, sorting them into categories and separating the ones we're going to paste on boards for people to look at during calling hours. Today I sorted out a few to scan and add to the Facebook group, Lynn Sauer Blood, We Love You.

As of yet Mom has not been in the mood to tell stories to my recorder. I'm hoping I'll be able to get some of her stories before she's gone. As she gets weaker talking gets harder and the more she just rests. Her only food is ice chips, still. One of our doctor friends advised her that she's not going to get better so she need not feel that she has to do anything she knows will help her get better, like eat food.

Our house is full of people, and the relatives from Connecticut are on their way. Once my sister is done cleaning the bathroom I'll be showering so I can head over to get ready for the wedding at 1:30. And my wonderful fiance Johnny is coming once he's done with work at 3 so he can join me for the wedding. On Sunday after church the ENTIRE immediate family will be here, brothers in-law and fiances and sisters and dad and we are going to take a family photo with EVERYONE. I wanted to get one at Christmas and it just never happened so this is our last chance before Jarrod (my younger sister's fiance) goes back to school.

We are all very blessed to have each other, that everyone is here to lean on one another and learn from each other and support one another.

To finish, here is a photo of my mom and her twin the day before the hospital bed came, and then a photo of mom with our baby cousin Lydia.

Thank you all, again and again, for your support and prayers. We couldn't do this without you.

Update

I managed I to get here to my parent's house on Wednesday evening to find the family room rearranged and a hospital bed set up where the couch used to be. Mom was lying there, my little sister curled up next to her, my older sister on the couch. She seemed fairly perky and was telling some stories that I managed to record on my phone. I actually bought a digital recorder so I can get her telling stories and just talking. A family friend suggested, after reading my blog, that I chronicle my mom's life. When I mentioned it to another friend he suggested I make that my book, the book I have always wanted to write but never found the right story.

Anyway, she had a good evening but then she could not sleep that night and she was in pain. She hasn't managed to eat anything but ice chips for three and a half days. She's skeletal with a HUGE bloated stomach. Yesterday was a bad day due to some upset stomach and a lot of pain and she didn't feel as though she rested. She went to bed early but couldn't fall asleep, so we all went down to talk to her and she talked to each one of us. I went to bed afraid she wouldn't wake up this morning, so when I got up to start work I went down just to make sure she was still breathing...

The house is full of relatives and the afternoons are packed with friends. My boss was kind enough to let me take a half day today so I could spend time with my family.

And this weekend I'm in a wedding. My whole family is invited, but there's no way mom is going anywhere. She barely leaves the hospital bed. And the whole time I'm standing there I won't be able to enjoy my friend's wedding because my heart will be home with my mom. I don't even know if I'm going to church on Sunday. And I just don't even know what to say. If I don't think about it I'm numb, if I do think about it I cry. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to watch someone I love die slowly by inches...

Please keep praying for our family. We're all still hoping for a miracle.