Update 3

I have decided that any posts about my mom will be titled "Update". Just easier that way.

Short post, the doctor is coming by today and will probably up mom's dosages for morphine and ibuprofen. My older sister's band is coming by and giving a little acoustic concert. At 3-ish Derrick, my brother in-law, is coming back from Columbus and before Anne's fiance leaves we're going to take a family photo. My aunt and a family friend helped mom get "showered" and lotioned and dressed so she was presentable, and she'll be coming upstairs for the first time in about four days so we've been cleaning up the living room so she isn't stressed out by a messy house.

This morning we Skyped the church service to my mom and some relatives at home since she couldn't be there. Jarrod, Anne's fiance, helped another family friend hook up the computer to the television so it was a big screen and everyone could see and hear. As Jennie, my older sister, is the worship leader she began to sing Chris Rice's song "Hallelujahs" for the offering and began to cry and couldn't sing anymore. So when i saw she wasn't going to sing again anytime soon I went up there and took over the singing. A moment later Erin, the eldest sister, joined us as well. Jennie just played the piano while I sang and Erin joined in on the chorus. Halfway through i began to cry, and by the time we finished the song there were few females with dry eyes in the congregation. It was a very meaningful, special moment, and I know my dad was holding back tears as well.

Yesterday morning, around 10am, my aunt suggested I create a facebook group for my mom that anyone could join where they could post photos and memories. As of this morning the group has 144 members, in less than 24 hours. The posts just keep on coming, and before I left for church I read them to mom and showed her pictures so she could remember and know just how loved and special she is. My Aunt Polly, the one aunt who is unable to be here right now as her daughter is past due for a baby, called as well and mom talked to her on the phone for a bit. And I took a picture.

This was the first time I had seen her smile like that in days.

When my brother in-law gets here we are going to take a family photo, a photo of EVERYONE. Of Mom, Dad, Derrick and Erin, Jennie, Emily and Johnny, and Anne and Jarrod. The first and last of everyone. I promise I will post it later for everyone to see.

"The pulse of life within my wrist, the falling snow, the rising mist; There is no higher praise than this. And my soul wells up with Hallelujahs."

Update 2

Sorry for the lame titles. I'm creatively spent.

When I came downstairs this morning I found mom sitting up on the side of the bed talking to Dad. It was the healthiest thing I have seen her do since the night I came home. As someone was bringing us breakfast at 9 and it was still 7:45 or so I had time to just sit with her and Dad and look at comments kind people have written about my blog on Facebook. Writing during this time definitely helps me, and I'm thankful that this blesses so many of you.

As I was reading comments my aunt suggested I create a Facebook group so people can write memories and share stories and photos. It took me a bit, since I haven't made a group in five or six years, but I figured it out and now, just two hours later, we have 70+ people in that group and they have already begun to post things. As more memories and stories are added we will be reading them to my mom so she can hear just how much she is loved and will be missed.

A couple of days ago I was working while everyone was eating breakfast around me at the dining room table. At one point it was just me and two of my sisters and my brother in-law so Dad sat down and began discussing funeral and calling hour plans with us. At first I discussed it as though I was talking about a distant acquaintance and not my mother, but the longer we talked the more it sunk in and the less I contributed because I knew if I opened my mouth I would just start crying. And as I was working, crying would have made things very difficult. But the result of this conversation was my sisters and me going through all of the photos we have in our house, sorting them into categories and separating the ones we're going to paste on boards for people to look at during calling hours. Today I sorted out a few to scan and add to the Facebook group, Lynn Sauer Blood, We Love You.

As of yet Mom has not been in the mood to tell stories to my recorder. I'm hoping I'll be able to get some of her stories before she's gone. As she gets weaker talking gets harder and the more she just rests. Her only food is ice chips, still. One of our doctor friends advised her that she's not going to get better so she need not feel that she has to do anything she knows will help her get better, like eat food.

Our house is full of people, and the relatives from Connecticut are on their way. Once my sister is done cleaning the bathroom I'll be showering so I can head over to get ready for the wedding at 1:30. And my wonderful fiance Johnny is coming once he's done with work at 3 so he can join me for the wedding. On Sunday after church the ENTIRE immediate family will be here, brothers in-law and fiances and sisters and dad and we are going to take a family photo with EVERYONE. I wanted to get one at Christmas and it just never happened so this is our last chance before Jarrod (my younger sister's fiance) goes back to school.

We are all very blessed to have each other, that everyone is here to lean on one another and learn from each other and support one another.

To finish, here is a photo of my mom and her twin the day before the hospital bed came, and then a photo of mom with our baby cousin Lydia.

Thank you all, again and again, for your support and prayers. We couldn't do this without you.

Update

I managed I to get here to my parent's house on Wednesday evening to find the family room rearranged and a hospital bed set up where the couch used to be. Mom was lying there, my little sister curled up next to her, my older sister on the couch. She seemed fairly perky and was telling some stories that I managed to record on my phone. I actually bought a digital recorder so I can get her telling stories and just talking. A family friend suggested, after reading my blog, that I chronicle my mom's life. When I mentioned it to another friend he suggested I make that my book, the book I have always wanted to write but never found the right story.

Anyway, she had a good evening but then she could not sleep that night and she was in pain. She hasn't managed to eat anything but ice chips for three and a half days. She's skeletal with a HUGE bloated stomach. Yesterday was a bad day due to some upset stomach and a lot of pain and she didn't feel as though she rested. She went to bed early but couldn't fall asleep, so we all went down to talk to her and she talked to each one of us. I went to bed afraid she wouldn't wake up this morning, so when I got up to start work I went down just to make sure she was still breathing...

The house is full of relatives and the afternoons are packed with friends. My boss was kind enough to let me take a half day today so I could spend time with my family.

And this weekend I'm in a wedding. My whole family is invited, but there's no way mom is going anywhere. She barely leaves the hospital bed. And the whole time I'm standing there I won't be able to enjoy my friend's wedding because my heart will be home with my mom. I don't even know if I'm going to church on Sunday. And I just don't even know what to say. If I don't think about it I'm numb, if I do think about it I cry. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, to watch someone I love die slowly by inches...

Please keep praying for our family. We're all still hoping for a miracle.

Je ne sais pas pourquoi.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go back home as soon as the Time Warner people leave my apartment, and I'll be staying for a few weeks. My mom's condition has rapidly declined and she now has an obstructed bowel. She has decided not to go forward with chemo and the doctor has estimated 2-3 weeks. Therefore, I am going home to be with my family.

We appreciate all of your prayer and support.

Much love from;

Emily

More Snow. *sigh*

Once again Cincinnati is feeling the full wrath of winter before everyone else in Ohio. At the end of work last night I got an IM from my boss telling me to work from home tomorrow (today). I was like, Time Warner is coming today to install my internet, I can work from home!

Alas, Time Warner let me down.

Oh, they came! They came, they just couldn't do anything because they came after the leasing office closed and they couldn't get into the maintenance room to set it up. So here I sit, an hour late for work, waiting for a return phone call to let me know whether anyone is coming to install my internet this morning because if they don't I have to go to work late and stay late and then deal with driving back home in the crappy weather.

On the upside of this, though, I called Time Warner about the pricing for my internet and I was able to downgrade to a slightly slower internet that is a good $15 dollars cheaper! Go me!

Here's a picture of just the beginning... having had so much crappy weather already this year the parking lot was pre-salted last night in preparation.

If you look closely you can see the white streaks... that would be snowflakes falling so fast my camera couldn't capture them.

Time Warner, don't fail me now!

Let's talk about the clothes vs age phenomenon.

For any of you who have ever watched What Not To Wear, the main thing Stacey and Clinton tell everyone is to dress age appropriate. My question is, what is age appropriate when you're nearly twenty-five and right in the middle of still being a student and being an adult?

Though I have to dress business casual for work four of five days out of the week, I tend to be most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie and chucks. In the winter, at least. In summer I have a growing collection of summer dresses. The main problem is that it's hard to dress cute when you're uncomfortable with your body and it's one of those days where everything just looks wrong.

I would like to tell you that the jeans I am wearing in this photo are too big. By kind of a lot.

There are some people who can just put on anything and still look like an adult. Then there are those of us who are 5'3" tall with a family tradition of large hips and thighs, a size that does not work well with today's popular styles. Skinny jeans just enhance the thigh, and those tunic shirts don't do much for the hourglass figure except to make it look thicker than it is. Also, as Kelly Osborne so wisely stated in an article about her weight loss, one pound gained on a short person looks like five so, for a former anorexic, one pound gained really looks and feels like five and suddenly everything tried on does nothing but enhance the excess.

So moving back to the issue of age vs dress, I in my self-conscious world often feel most comfortable in clothes that make me look seven years younger than I am, while dressing more my age makes me feel like a five year old in mommy's clothing. There's no even ground. Sometimes I get very lucky and find something that makes me look older, or I get just the right haircut... Does anyone else experience this?

I really wish I lived in the 50s. Those clothes were MADE for people like me. Cinch the waist, hide the hips with a large swishy skirt and enhance the calves with two inch pumps? Sign me up! If only vintage clothes were cheaper... and more comfortable!

Mirror Mirror

Thanks to everyone who posted about my mom. Quick update, she actually went into the hospital today because of fluid build up and some abdominal pain and her hemoglobin wasn't where it should be. As she was supposed to start chemo tomorrow they wanted to get it under control. However, apparently her protein levels need to come up before it's safe to do chemo so she's being released tomorrow and won't start till next week. Frustrating, but there's really nothing can be done except pray and wait.

On to the regularly scheduled program.

I love to write on my mirror. 

Seriously. With dry erase markers. And I know I'm not the only person who does this because I got it from a mission trip I went on back in 2006. You almost couldn't see your face in the girl's bathroom due to all the writing. Ever since then I've written on my mirror, everything from quotes to Bible verses to reminders. I figure that we as women tend to use our mirrors a lot so what better place? 

As I only put up my mirror a couple of weeks ago after much time without my own mirror (my mom would not take kindly to me writing on her good bathroom mirror) it took me until yesterday to write anything on it.

This was taken with my phone and isn't very clear. Just wait until I've lived here awhile, there'll be all kinds of things scrawled across there. In case you didn't watch the video I posted of Justin Bieber the other day, this is a line from the chorus of a song I just cannot get out of my head. "I close my eyes and I can see a better day." Sounds prosaic enough, but not if you've heard the Biebs sing it. I swear all of heaven sings along. 

What about all of you? Do you write on your mirror? Or is there somewhere else that works for you?