Playing Catch... Up

Whoa. It's been awhile! And so much has happened!

June is WAY over, and July is quickly shutting down. I taught VBS, got tan, lost a good five pounds, took yet another trip to CT, started dating an old friend from college *grin!*, and a bajillion other things that I can't quite think of at the moment.

Let's start at the beginning: I taught VBS. And it was a blasty-blast. Ok, so, I didn't actually teach, I was a helper, but I did teach the kids old favorite songs of mine like The B-I-B-L-E, Inright Outright Upright Downright, Do Your Ears Hang Low, and Father Abraham. And as I was helping with the Kindergarteners, they loved it. Oddly enough, one of the girls in my class is the daughter of a woman who baby-sat me when I was in K, and my mom baby-sat her. Nice long line of babysitters and teachers. One of the other girls in the class has a form of autism, and she was a handful but could be sweet sometimes. The major upside was it made the week go by faster.

After VBS every day I went down to SunnySide and got myself a bought tan. It was worth it.

In order to make my days a little less boring and a lot less lazy I force myself to do something active. My favorite is The Firm workout videos, either Total Body Toner or Total Body Time-Crunch, both of which are ridiculously hard in their own ways and which have helped me tone and strengthen and lose weight, not that I was trying to. When I'm active but still eating correctly I tend to plateau at 123 lbs. So one morning I hopped on the scale for funsies (I don't like to weigh myself, since it's just a number and how you look and feel is really all that matters) and thought as I waited "Ugh, I'll bet I gained back". Then i looked down and saw the scale flash "121.6" in bright red digital numbers. No complaining here! Of course, then i went on vacation and all I was able to do was run on the boardwalk, but as my bum knee protested loudly, I only went once and am currently feeling very out of shape.

Yes, we did go on vacation! I talked Lux into letting me off the hook for a week (no paycheck this Friday... bugger.) and followed my Dad in my car with my little sister and "Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging" on CD all the way to Old Lyme, CT. No crazy snow, no horrible car accidents, and, most of all, no memoribilia of either hanging around to remind me. I bought a ton of cheap books, we ate a lot of food, went to Rhode Island to watch the Paw Sox, hung out with relatives, met some of my dad's old high school buddies, went swimming, nursed my poor sad knee, got ice cream, went mini golfing where I got a hole-in-one on the last hole and won a free game, and took my little sister with me to a bar to meet up with my old VZW friends. Earlier in the week I'd gotten together with Neal while my fam did... something else, i have no idea where they went... which was a little strange now that I have my new BF and Neal is seeing someone new as well.

Speaking of which! Happy, Happy news! On June 13th I began dating someone I've known all the way through college and still kept in vague touch with afterwards. His name is Johnny, and he's been there the whole time and yet I never thought twice about him. As my tendency is to date brand new people that I haven't known long it's a little strange to be with an old friend. There is picture proof that he and I were at many of the same events but did not interact for some reason. Our friendship was mostly him telling me his girl problems and seeking advice or going out with a group to Bdubs in Zville for wings. Neither of us knows how we got each other's phone numbers or how we became friends. But no matter. Sometime in May he and I met up to see Iron Man 2 and get some food and we ended up having a world-class time and agreed to get together again soon. We did get together, had another amazing time, nicknamed each other Bonnie and Clyde, began texting a lot, got together again a week later, and decided it wasn't worth it to beat around the bush anymore and took the plunge! Now, a month and a bit later, we still believe this was the best decision we ever made. And apparently we're a hot topic because everyone we're both friends with from college has discussed us at length. :D

Like I said, there have been a million other things (most of them having to do with Johnny, the aforementioned new BF) but I won't bore you with those details.



Ciao!!

C'est la Vie

Life has gotten.... complicated.

It doesn't feel as though life should be complicated at this moment, considering every single one of my days is almost identical to the next: sleep, eat, exercise, work, sleep, repeat. Sometimes I'll change it up with a trip to Walmart, or by watching a movie. Lately I've been having video chat sessions with a new friend from Russia. But admist all of that is my whirring brain and broken heart, both carefully and meticulously hidden.

After my mom's final radiation treatment she and my dad took their dream vacation up to Mackinac Island off the coast of Michigan and stayed at The Grand Hotel for their anniversary weekend. 29 years. When they came back they went straight to Mom's oncologist for her CT scan or whatever scan she had. After five months of chemo and twenty-five sessions of radiation you'd think the cancer would be dead, right?

Wrong.

The tumors in her pelvis were marginally smaller, but the cancer spread to her lungs. What a low blow. So now she's starting new rounds of a different kind of chemo. We were informed that this type of cancer is incurable, that all we can hope for is remission. Mom has taken it upon herself to go on a strict all organic diet that apparently helped her brother in-law's cousin twelve years back when she had this type of cancer. She and I had a long talk about it yesterday when she came home from visiting her sister and was showing off her new shorts and shoes and she said she was afraid my sisters and I don't understand quite how serious this is.

I know exactly how serious this is.

People with uteran sarcoma tend to only live for 2 - 5 years after diagnosis.

I was aware that it wouldn't be long, but I didn't want to think about it, pushed it out of my head, because I refuse to let my mom die that soon. I REFUSE. She has to be there when I get married to keep me calm, to be there when I have kids to help me when I'm at my wits end! I need her wisdom, her love, and her baby skills! But all I can do is pray, and pray hard, that God see fit to heal her. I don't know if it's harder to watch someone die by inches knowing it's inevitable or for death to come suddenly and without warning. Either way, it's too soon. Much too soon.

I'm sorry I couldn't give a happier, more flippant and carefree post. There have been good things... VERY good things... but for now this is all I have.

Beautiful day :DD

Today has got to be the most gorgeous day, and to celebrate I walked downtown to take myself out for lunch!

I live in the cutest little most boring town to ever exist. However, this is probably the most popular joint in town.




The name is a little dorky, but just go with it.

So I took myself here for lunch and got grilled cheese with their house chips, a chocolate dessert that I couldn't eat and a 3 Berry smoothie, all of which I ate while sitting outside in the absolutely gorgeous weather.



Mmmm Mmmm good...


It really is just the most beautiful day.

I then walked around town taking pictures of its cuteness. John's Barbershop is probably my favorite. He'll be back at 1. ;)



Peace, love and unicorns. :)

Red Umbrellas

It rained today, a lovely spring rain, and when I finally got home and was able to enjoy sitting inside and listen to it fall gently on the roof I looked up pictures of and fell in love with red umbrellas.





It reminds me of that photographer who captures children wearing various different outfits from decades long before they were thought of and the picture is entirely black and white except for a rose. Or her lips. Or his bandana. I don't know what it is, but something about these pictures captures my attention, touches my heart, I'm captivated.





There's just something about today. I feel... Light. Alive. Free. I laughed today, really laughed. And I'm glad, because I haven't felt this way for awhile. For once I don't have to be doing something, to be with somebody... I can just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling and dream big dreams and think deep thoughts and talk face to face with Jesus, the only man in this world who will never let me down or make me feel like I'm less than amazing.

Yesterday I took a trip to Columbus to pick up my bridesmaid dress, and since that only takes about five minutes after the hour long drive it didn't make sense to come straight home so instead I took myself out to the Easton mall for a day with my good friends Barnes and Noble. Ever heard of them? They're kind of a big deal. And we spent a good long time checking out books and I bought one of the best books I have ever read.



This book is about "Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the 'this' and spirituality is the 'that'. To make sense of one, we have to explore the other."

I pored over this book, bought it five minutes after I found it, and sat down in the Starbucks area to read it. It wasn't long before I came to chapter six: worth dying for, and read exactly what I needed to hear:

"Do you realize? You don't need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You're good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it's true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men."

Holy. Crap.

Thank heaven for Sex God and Red Umbrellas.

A Job and Moving and Weddings, Oh my!

It dawned on me the last time I looked at my blog that I haven't posted anything for over three months. Part of the reason for this is that I really have nothing to say and the other part is that I just got out of the habit. Not long after my last post I was laid off from my seasonal work at Hobby Lobby and spent all of January and most of February completely stressed about not having a job or a way to pay my bills and therefore time I would normally have spent updating my blog was instead put toward finding a real job as quickly as possible.

On that topic, thank goodness for friends who tell you about job openings at their company so getting a job is quick and painless. I now work from home processing and adjusting insurance claims for eye doctor visits and eyewear (glasses, contacts, etc) and make a decent amount of money doing it.

I actually spent six weeks in Mason, OH (aka Cincinnati) in training at the main office for this job and lived with my friend's parents who basically decided I should just pretend I was their daughter instead of an unrelated boarder. They were incredibly easy people to live with. I also got involved in a great group of 20-30 yr olds at a Vineyard church and made some really amazing friends and want to move to Cincinnati as soon as I am able.

However. There's a glitch in that plan.

During my last week in Cincinnati I got a call from my dad. He had taken my mom for a checkup with her oncologist. The growth came back. Despite all of the chemo treatments and medication, the cancer came back. Now she's begin her radiation since there's no point in continuing chemo if it isn't doing any good. She began yesterday and will have 25 treatments, one every single week day for the next five weeks. If this doesn't work to kill the cancer... Well, we're just taking it as it comes. Being in Cincinnati helped me to forget, for the most part, though I was on the verge of tears at all times and the smallest thing would set me off. Now that I'm home the reality of it is all around me, there's no escape, but we're trying to live life as normally as possible. Whether or not I move to Cincinnati is entirely dependent on how Mom's treatments go. Since it's semi-likely that I'll be staying here for awhile I'm checking out an apartment on main street in town on Monday morning. It'll be weird living right around the corner from where I grew up, but it'll be easier for everyone involved, especially me.

On a lighter note, the weather has been absolutely gorgeous, I turned 24, one of my best friends got engaged (finally) and my little sister got engaged (even more finally) and I'm in both weddings. Anne even went so far as to make me her maid of honor! So 2011 will be my year for weddings, though people are getting engaged left and right and it's slightly annoying. I posted that on my FB wall and a friend said 2010 could be my year. Had he told me that in person I'd probably have laughed in his face. Were it not for the fact that I made a vow of year-long singleness I could conceivably agree with him, considering the fact that I have a knack for making boys fall in love with me. It would just be nice if I loved them back and felt I could deal with him for the long term. As I haven't found someone like that yet I'm perfectly content to stay single and have absolutely no problem at all with my younger sister getting married first. I'd rather take my time and find the right guy than rush and marry the wrong one.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I will finally get to enjoy a full day of the beautiful weather we've been having. Perhaps I could even sit outside and get some sun! I'm going to Passover at June's church tomorrow night (Saturday) and I was invited to the going away party for J.D. but as I'm not the type to enjoy a kegger I'm not really sure I'll be going. Then Sunday is Easter and the family will be together and oh the fun we'll have.

Ok. That is my update! Except for a tiny bit of loneliness I'm loving life right now, the weather is beautiful and time feels ripe for a huge change...

Christmas Thought

Seven-thirty AM. Christmas morning. Rain washing away the white Christmas Bing dreamed of. For some reason I'm awake. Not because of the excitement. Not because it's Christmas and I'm suddenly not tired... because I am tired. Very, very tired, but for some reason I keep waking up early. And I think it has to do with that scare we had on Monday morning at 6am this past week, the one where my Dad almost didn't make it to Christmas this year.
The ambulance in the drive to pick up Dad Monday morning.

There's a nervous tightness in my stomach, and feeling of "what's next?" in our year of crazy medical problems and hospital stays. This was the first one I was home for, and I rather hope it's the last. I'm glad I was here to see it instead of in CT hearing about it after the fact, but that doesn't change the fact that it's scary to think that my Dad almost died Monday night, and that thought is not a happy one for Christmas morning. I could think about how blessed we are that he did make it, that today my whole family will be together for breakfast and presents, but for some reason my stomach can't think that way. All it can do is tighten up and make me nauseous with worry.

We are so fortunate to have a God like we do, one who cares, who's present in everything we do and in our lives and who listens to what we have to say and cries with us when we despair. So fortunate. And I wish there were more people who believed this as well. People who didn't take advantage of grace, who pretend to love God and really don't. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and also that I have trouble trusting in God's grace. So many willing mistakes that I regret later and then repeat anyway. Falling into patterns. And yet there God is, waiting to catch me when I throw myself into His arms when I've fallen yet again. And yet there are idiots who think Christianity is a crutch. Psh. Obviously they've never been a Christian because being a Christian is SO much harder than living with the world. It's so easy to fall. I often wonder how the people of the world decide what is right and wrong. I asked a friend that yesterday. He said he always tries to do the right thing, and I asked the right thing in terms of what? On what are you basing "the right thing"? The Bible? Cause if he was he'd be failing, like the rest of us, but he's not the Bible reading type. He defined "the right thing" as putting others before himself. Which is a noble, and Biblical, deed, very chivalrous. But it's not enough. Life would be easier if it were, but if life were easy what fun would it be? How would we learn? How would we grow?

Beauty

It's a wonderful thing when a former anorexic can look at herself in the mirror and think, "You are beautiful", and mean it.