A Job and Moving and Weddings, Oh my!

It dawned on me the last time I looked at my blog that I haven't posted anything for over three months. Part of the reason for this is that I really have nothing to say and the other part is that I just got out of the habit. Not long after my last post I was laid off from my seasonal work at Hobby Lobby and spent all of January and most of February completely stressed about not having a job or a way to pay my bills and therefore time I would normally have spent updating my blog was instead put toward finding a real job as quickly as possible.

On that topic, thank goodness for friends who tell you about job openings at their company so getting a job is quick and painless. I now work from home processing and adjusting insurance claims for eye doctor visits and eyewear (glasses, contacts, etc) and make a decent amount of money doing it.

I actually spent six weeks in Mason, OH (aka Cincinnati) in training at the main office for this job and lived with my friend's parents who basically decided I should just pretend I was their daughter instead of an unrelated boarder. They were incredibly easy people to live with. I also got involved in a great group of 20-30 yr olds at a Vineyard church and made some really amazing friends and want to move to Cincinnati as soon as I am able.

However. There's a glitch in that plan.

During my last week in Cincinnati I got a call from my dad. He had taken my mom for a checkup with her oncologist. The growth came back. Despite all of the chemo treatments and medication, the cancer came back. Now she's begin her radiation since there's no point in continuing chemo if it isn't doing any good. She began yesterday and will have 25 treatments, one every single week day for the next five weeks. If this doesn't work to kill the cancer... Well, we're just taking it as it comes. Being in Cincinnati helped me to forget, for the most part, though I was on the verge of tears at all times and the smallest thing would set me off. Now that I'm home the reality of it is all around me, there's no escape, but we're trying to live life as normally as possible. Whether or not I move to Cincinnati is entirely dependent on how Mom's treatments go. Since it's semi-likely that I'll be staying here for awhile I'm checking out an apartment on main street in town on Monday morning. It'll be weird living right around the corner from where I grew up, but it'll be easier for everyone involved, especially me.

On a lighter note, the weather has been absolutely gorgeous, I turned 24, one of my best friends got engaged (finally) and my little sister got engaged (even more finally) and I'm in both weddings. Anne even went so far as to make me her maid of honor! So 2011 will be my year for weddings, though people are getting engaged left and right and it's slightly annoying. I posted that on my FB wall and a friend said 2010 could be my year. Had he told me that in person I'd probably have laughed in his face. Were it not for the fact that I made a vow of year-long singleness I could conceivably agree with him, considering the fact that I have a knack for making boys fall in love with me. It would just be nice if I loved them back and felt I could deal with him for the long term. As I haven't found someone like that yet I'm perfectly content to stay single and have absolutely no problem at all with my younger sister getting married first. I'd rather take my time and find the right guy than rush and marry the wrong one.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I will finally get to enjoy a full day of the beautiful weather we've been having. Perhaps I could even sit outside and get some sun! I'm going to Passover at June's church tomorrow night (Saturday) and I was invited to the going away party for J.D. but as I'm not the type to enjoy a kegger I'm not really sure I'll be going. Then Sunday is Easter and the family will be together and oh the fun we'll have.

Ok. That is my update! Except for a tiny bit of loneliness I'm loving life right now, the weather is beautiful and time feels ripe for a huge change...

Christmas Thought

Seven-thirty AM. Christmas morning. Rain washing away the white Christmas Bing dreamed of. For some reason I'm awake. Not because of the excitement. Not because it's Christmas and I'm suddenly not tired... because I am tired. Very, very tired, but for some reason I keep waking up early. And I think it has to do with that scare we had on Monday morning at 6am this past week, the one where my Dad almost didn't make it to Christmas this year.
The ambulance in the drive to pick up Dad Monday morning.

There's a nervous tightness in my stomach, and feeling of "what's next?" in our year of crazy medical problems and hospital stays. This was the first one I was home for, and I rather hope it's the last. I'm glad I was here to see it instead of in CT hearing about it after the fact, but that doesn't change the fact that it's scary to think that my Dad almost died Monday night, and that thought is not a happy one for Christmas morning. I could think about how blessed we are that he did make it, that today my whole family will be together for breakfast and presents, but for some reason my stomach can't think that way. All it can do is tighten up and make me nauseous with worry.

We are so fortunate to have a God like we do, one who cares, who's present in everything we do and in our lives and who listens to what we have to say and cries with us when we despair. So fortunate. And I wish there were more people who believed this as well. People who didn't take advantage of grace, who pretend to love God and really don't. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and also that I have trouble trusting in God's grace. So many willing mistakes that I regret later and then repeat anyway. Falling into patterns. And yet there God is, waiting to catch me when I throw myself into His arms when I've fallen yet again. And yet there are idiots who think Christianity is a crutch. Psh. Obviously they've never been a Christian because being a Christian is SO much harder than living with the world. It's so easy to fall. I often wonder how the people of the world decide what is right and wrong. I asked a friend that yesterday. He said he always tries to do the right thing, and I asked the right thing in terms of what? On what are you basing "the right thing"? The Bible? Cause if he was he'd be failing, like the rest of us, but he's not the Bible reading type. He defined "the right thing" as putting others before himself. Which is a noble, and Biblical, deed, very chivalrous. But it's not enough. Life would be easier if it were, but if life were easy what fun would it be? How would we learn? How would we grow?

Beauty

It's a wonderful thing when a former anorexic can look at herself in the mirror and think, "You are beautiful", and mean it.

Catch Me If You Can!

Long hiatus for me. Life has been amazingly hectic. A week before Thanksgiving I got a job at Hobby Lobby in Zanesville and ever since then it's been complete insanity. I work at least eight hours every day and when I'm home it's all I can do to get up after I've set myself down. Since I began working there I've lost at least four pounds and Black Friday is the most stressful day ever, even moreso for the workers than for shoppers. Working that day has only cemented the ridiculousness of the day in my mind and it is my solemn vow to never, ever leave the house on Black Friday ever again. All people are doing is hoarding more stuff, stuff they don't need, stuff they can't take with them. I used to go to Hobby Lobby and wander around thinking to myself, "ooh, I want that... that would be pretty above a mirror..." and now I walk around going, "Wow, what a bunch of useless STUFF". Of course, not all of it is useless, but a good portion is merely decoration. So worthless, pointless, and a waste of good money.

Getting down from my soapbox, it's been an interesting month. I've made some new friends, discovered that I apparently look a lot younger than I really am, and have been working, slowly and without much regularity, on a Kay Arthur Bible Study about Spiritual Warfare. Though I'm really bad at remembering to do the study, what I've done so far is really good and very thought provoking and has led me to have some very in depth conversations with an old friend about major spiritual ideas. It's been really good for me, really waking up my sleeping soul. I haven't felt anything in a long while, and the study and conversations helped a lot so that this past Sunday I really felt God in the room with us for the first time in months. It was a beautiful change, a reminder of the reality that I'm part of a spiritual world and fighting one of the hardest battles in all mankind and somehow succeeding. Work makes it difficult to be a Christian, but when I get home I have my family and the Christmas spirit and good, strong friends to keep me going straight. It amazes me every day that God wants me in relationship with him exponentially more than I want to be close to him, and because we're often blind to His advances it's hard to believe or remember that He really wants us, wants to be close to us.

I've been trying to remember to pray. Prayer has never been easy for me, I'm not very good at it and I often fall asleep during it because I wait till I'm lying in bed about to go to sleep. But it's just easier for me to pray when it's dark. Kind of an oxymoron, praying to the light when it's dark... but darkness means no distraction, nothing to take attention from what I'm doing. But there's so much on my mind and in my heart and I have no idea what God has planned for me. Working at Hobby Lobby, much like when I got the job at Verizon, just feels right. I fell right into it, fit in, and it wasn't awkward at all. When that happens I just have to believe it's God's doing, that it's his plan for me to be there at that moment. My goal is to be in Cincinnati just after the first of the year. Jim, my friend who lives down there, told me that there are five temp jobs opening at his company, Luxottica Retail. They're basic desk jobs and would last between 6 months to a year, and if I kick butt and go above and beyond they might just let me stay and I'd have benefits again and all that jazz. Which would be brilliant, because it would mean I could finally get my wisdom teeth out. Plus I have friends down there, Jess lives a mere hour and a half away, and it's close enough to my family while still being far away. Brilliant.

Speaking of family, the day before Thanksgiving mom went to Cleveland and had her hear shaved. She decided she couldn't handle the dramatic hair loss and shaved her head and had them cut and shape her wig. Apparently the stylist wouldn't allow mom to pay her when it was over, which made mom a little emotional. But what an act of kindness. Mom goes for her second round of chemo on Friday, which also happens to be my day off. This means she'll be feeling okay for Christmas, which I'm thankful for.

On a more upbeat and fun note, Jess and I finally got together this past Sunday. We met up in Cincinnati to go ice skating in Fountain Square. Great fun was had by all, especially the little girl with her skates untied and falling off her feet and all the parents carrying small children. We ate at Chipotle and tried on dresses at Macy's and looked at jewelry at Tiffany's... I was disappointed by Tiffany's. It looked like every other jewelry store. But then again, it's Cincinnati not NYC. After we parted ways I went over to Kenny's where we were able to talk for a good three and a half hours, assuaging my desperate need for good conversation. Then I had to drive home, which was the lame part, but it was completely worth it after having such a wonderful day.

Finally, today, after a long over-eight-hours at work, my friend Alison invited me to join her and two of her friends for a movie so nine-o-clock found us getting Chinese takeout and nine-thirty or so found us at her friend Donovan's house. nine-forty-five found us at J.D.'s apartment eating the Chinese food and picking a movie. We ended up watching War of the Worlds, which is a completely ridiculous and semi-intriguing Tom Cruise movie, and after Alison and I left Donovan sent her a text saying J.D. wants my number. Oh, my. Now I get to explain to him, over lunch on Friday, that I'm not looking for a relationship, that I'm happy to get to know him but that it won't go further than friendship. And I will have that conversation this time, since I usually don't and end up finding myself in a position I'm not really interested being in.

Life is complicated. Thank God for fun times.

Worry.

Ever since my senior year of college and that horrible illness I went through I am no longer fearless. Once upon a time I would do just about anything no matter how dangerous without really thinking too much about the consequences. Now, though, I worry about everything. Yesterday I picked up our boarder, Chelsea, from school because she's sick and brought her home. Fifteen minutes in a car, windows closed. I was headed into Zanesville to shop for clothes to wear to today's wedding festivities and on the way I began to worry that I'd get whatever Chelsea has. I went to bed last night, after she came down and I asked if she felt better and she told me she was about to throw up, worried that I'd wake up in the middle of the night feeling ill. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was mental analysis of my stomach to make sure it wasn't queasy. It was, but because I was hungry, not because I was ill. In all honesty this is really a needless worry because I rarely get sick and I've never, ever had the stomach flu so what is there to worry about? That's what I keep telling myself, and my sister said that if I'm still healthy by tomorrow there's no need to worry.

This, however, is not the only thing I worry about. After my accident I worried that something bad might happen later when I was home alone, so I went home with my aunt and uncle. When I go out to eat I worry about possible food poisoning. I rarely go to buffets because I worry about what someone could have done to the food. I hate to fly because I'm worried I might get sick and not be able to do anything about it except for the paper bag in the seat back pocket. I'm afraid to take new medications because I could have a horrible allergic reaction, even though I'm not allergic to anything except the vaccine for whooping cough. All of this is completely ridiculous and most of it is unfounded because I've never had a problem with any of it before except for a bad reaction to a depression medication I was instructed to take to help my anxiety problem after that major illness in '08. Even so, it has become part of who I am. And it drives me nuts. I miss being the daredevilish girl I once was, fearless and plowing through fears with a two-edged sword. I suppose I could get back to being that girl, but it's harder now that I'm older and know the possible ramifications of my actions.

Here's hoping I'm not sick tomorrow. Otherwise everything will get that much harder.

Dreams

I had a really odd, very realistic dream last night that I actually remember still.

There was this guy, named Adam, who was an exceptional dancer. We were at a building, could have been an apartment building or a college dorm, I'm not sure, along with hundreds of other people. We were close, and we were in some kind of performance. As the large group of us were getting ready to perform someone who looked significantly like Sookie from Gilmore Girls rushed up to tell us the town was on fire. Immediately we scattered. I couldn't find Adam, and became terrified. Suddenly I was carrying boxes outside and packing up my car and struggling not to cry. I apparently had found Adam because he was helping. As I packed I saw the town below us flicker with orange light. My stuff was all packed and Adam disappeared again. I wandered across the front lawn of the building toward the town when small animal attacked me and fastened its jaws around my index finger. I couldn't get it off no matter how hard I tried when suddenly my cat, Joey, appeared and scared the creature away. My finger was painful and badly bruised and I lay down on the ground holding back tears. Adam had disappeared, we all had to leave due to the fire and I felt entirely hopeless. Joey came back and I held him to my chest and sobbed brokenly.

Then I woke up.

What Fun Would Life Be Then?

I am always amazed by how quickly things can change.

I came home to Ohio two weeks ago for a job interview that never happened. While here my car broke down and I ended up staying two extra days and then driving my Dad's car back to CT so I could move home easier. On Sunday this past week (Oct. 25) Neal and I packed up my Dad's car with almost all of my furniture so I could drive down to the cottage and meet my uncle so we could store my furniture there until further notice. Much cheaper than a storage unit. So I'm driving down there and can't remember what exit to take from I-95. I sent my Dad a text asking and he informed me that I'd passed it two exits ago. I exited the 95 with the intent of getting right back on... except that the exit I pulled off didn't have an on ramp for the opposite direction. Instead I kept driving and found myself on a main drag. The longer I drove on it the more I recognized and realized that I could find my way from there if only I could turn around, since I was going the wrong way. I pulled into a gas station and made to turn around on this exceptionally busy street. A very nice silver car stopped to let me out to make a left turn across a four lane road and as I pulled out while looking the other direction a black Mazda came out of nowhere and slammed right into me.

Voila. My first car crash.

While in CT, while my car is broken, while driving my father's 13 yr old still in very good working order SUV Ford Explorer, just one week until I originally intended to move back to Ohio. Using my father's car. As I thought all of this (along with "dang it. Now what?") and called my Dad and my uncle to explain what happened I very unsuccessfully controlled my hysterics and refused to go to the hospital to be checked because 1. I don't really have medical insurance anymore and 2. I hate hospitals and 3. I wanted to stay with the car, to wait for my aunt and uncle, and to find out what was going to happen now. The car was completely totaled, wouldn't even turn on. I was very shaken and my head began aching very quickly due to whiplash but I knew it wasn't worse than that. No blood, nothing broken. Just very, very sore muscles. Still. Four days later.

This fiasco posed a problem. How on earth was I to get home before Nov. 1st? And I'm sure my dad was thinking the exact same thing. I wasn't about to let Neal drive me, he needed to work. I couldn't fly, I had an apartment full of stuff. My dad was busy and really not available to come up. Thankfully, via Facebook, my brother in-law solved the problem by telling me he had Thurs. and Fri. off this week and he'd come get me in his wagon if I needed him to. I told my dad, who then called my brother, why rented a utility van from Enterprise Rent-A-Car and drove the 10 hr stretch in the pouring rain to pick up me and ALL my stuff. This meant driving down to the cottage in the dark and pushing the SUV out far enough from the trees to get into the back so we could remove everything from the car that was either my dad's or mine. Once this was accomplished Derrick, using a flat head screwdriver and a hammer, removed the Ford symbol from the grill and gave it to me as a souvenir of my first car accident ever.

Now I'm home at my parent's house in Ohio. The major job hunt begins tomorrow, even if it's only for a part-time job at Kohl's, and I have a million phone calls to make to remove further charge from CL&P, Comcast, FreeCreditReport.com, and to switch my car insurance from CT to OH. Moving is stressful. And moving back into my parent's house makes me feel just a little bit like a loser, like I've thrown away a beautiful opportunity. And maybe I did. But even financial stability isn't enough to make a person happy and if you're not happy what's the point? So now I'm just moving on to my next big adventure, beginning again where I began the last time: jobless, boyfriendless (yes, friends, Neal and I broke up. We're still on very good terms but we're nothing beyond that now) and wide open to any opportunity that presents itself. I could complain that moving is stressful, which it is. I could whine about making phone calls, because I hate doing it. But without this kind of adventure, this kind of stress (the kind that wakes you up in the middle of the night terrified you forgot something and you're about to puke because of it) life would be extremely boring indeed.

I'll miss my apartment. I'll miss my friends. But life continues, no matter what we do, and I look forward to the challenge.